13 new sandwiches on the Congressional cafeteria menu

by editor on January 31, 2011

The Los Angeles Times reports, “After making headlines this week for accusing a congressional cafeteria of selling him a ‘dangerous’ sandwich, Congressman Dennis Kucinich, D-Ohio, released a statement today announcing his lawsuit seeking $150,000 in damages had been settled.”

Surely, that sandwich will forever more be known in the Congressional cafeteria as the Kucinich Special. We’re pretty sure customers are already lining up and saying, “Gimme that Dennis Kucinich sandwich.”

biden-pork-sandwich

Mmmmm. A huge f'ing joe Biden sandwich sounds good right now.

With that in mind, it seems to us that the Congressional cafeteria should introduce a whole line of sandwiches named after Washington, DC political and media types.

Please allow us to make some suggestions:

The Obama Surprise: Some days it’s all baloney and no bread. Other days it’s de-boned and spineless chicken on dark rye (You never really know what you’ll get. That’s why it’s called a surprise.)

The Barney Frank: Rump roast with an extra helping of salami.

The Harry Reid: Cold, aged beef with no seasoning on white bread.

The Ed Schultz: Beef tongue with an extra serving of fat. Always served hot.

The Keith Olbermann: This item has been removed from the menu.

The Joe Biden: This is a huge f’ing sandwich. It contains a lot of f’ing pork. It’s a f’ing fork-ready project. (NOTE: The Joe Biden Combo comes one fry short of a happy meal.)

The Nancy Pelosi: Cold, crusty chicken, hold the pickle, on old rye.

The Helen Thomas: Non-Kosher meats and cheeses that have been aged beyond recognition. It’s all served on Halal-friendly breads (all profits from this sandwich will be donated back to Palestinian freedom fighters seeking the destruction of Israel a peaceful two-state alternative.

The Tim Geitner: Lean, greasy turkey. Tax-free through April 15.

The Michelle Obama: You don’t order the Michelle Obama. The Michelle Obama orders you!

The Al Sharpton: A delightful low carb alternative featuring dark meat turkey wrapped in a thin skin of pure cheese.

The Ben Nelson: Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, The Ben Nelson has sold out.

The Ted Kennedy: Dry, aged liver patty. Ask for the Kennedy Combo and get a free Bloody Mary.

{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }

ocmadam January 31, 2011 at 10:20 am

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My personal favorite — The Bill and Hillary special. Free range turkey with a sour pickle on a toasted campaign baguette.

The recipe for the famous Navy bean soup has been altered. In addition to navy beans, the soup now contains sweet peas.

JustAl January 31, 2011 at 10:28 am

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The Scott Brown: Looks like beef, smells like beef, but it’s rally rancid soy on wheat. . . and good luck getting your money back!

The John Kerry: Grilled cheese with horseface radish, flipped many, many times. . . served with sour grapes.

The John McCain: stringy corned beef on a crumbly stale roll. . . with a note in it that reads, “don’t forget to chew.”

Big Al January 31, 2011 at 10:30 am

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You know what they call a sandwich in Kenya? ……….Foreign Aid.

tommy January 31, 2011 at 10:32 am

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NO ! B. Frank likes tube steak

Necron_99 January 31, 2011 at 10:45 am

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The Al Franken: Potted meat on stale moldy bread, malt vinegar au jus, with a side of creamed corn.

Paden January 31, 2011 at 12:20 pm

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And of course Dan Quayle’s famous potatoe soup.

Paden January 31, 2011 at 12:36 pm

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The Maxine Waters special: Ugly on a stick.

The Helen Thomas special: World War Two Surplus Spam on unleavened bread.

John Kerry’s swift-boat ice cream float.

Bill Clinton’s Monica Blewhimski all beef franks.

The Nancy Pelosi Happy Meal (clown included)

RockingHorseGuy January 31, 2011 at 2:28 pm

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Do we have someone with no sense of humor? Yes, one person, giving thumbs down. Must be a liberal.

CO2 Insanity January 31, 2011 at 1:11 pm

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The Bill Clinton Special: Served under the desk.

The Gibbs: Served with unparalleled amounts of BS.

The John Holdren: Strychnine Mayo so it kills the person eating it and reduces the population.

Gregory Tart January 31, 2011 at 1:48 pm

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A very inspired posting! But the editor forgot the Barbara Boxer ” Call Me Senator” Special- While A diminutive Sandwich- like the 4’11 Senator- this green friendly wheat germ sandwich filled with crushed dandelion, real Kenyan grassland, and Chilean bark will save both your waist line and the environment.

CurtisHx January 31, 2011 at 3:35 pm

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All this talk about sandwiches is making me hungry…..let’s what’s down in the cafeteria….woops. Looks like the only thing there is rabbit food. Thanks, Michelle.

whatabeanr January 31, 2011 at 3:41 pm

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The Janet Napolitano: Features old carpet, fish and clams. Sorry YUK!

YT January 31, 2011 at 7:50 pm

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LOL!

J.P. Travis January 31, 2011 at 8:01 pm

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The Speaker of the House has a private dining room with better fare. He can order the Palin Special: grilled caribou on fresh bun with a touch of hot mustard.

neo bonbon January 31, 2011 at 10:06 pm

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Dam! I can’t even PRONOUNCE the word CAFETERIA without cracking a molar.

I swear, either I’m chewing too ‘good’. Or every cafeteria is run out the back of San Quentin’s back entry. I have 2 f’d Molars from bad food. Kuss’in’bitch’s got my vote on this one.

Chalupa February 1, 2011 at 7:42 pm

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The Joe Biden – peanut butter and jelly on white bread with animal crackers and a juice box.

Bfpa61 February 1, 2011 at 7:51 pm

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How about for desert The Hank Johnson Quam Upside Down Cake? It’s big enough to feed an Army!

Chalupa February 1, 2011 at 11:19 pm

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The Nancy Pelosi – baloney and turkey with limberger and aged cheddar and mustard in a pita pocket wrapped in really tight plastic – you have to bite into it to see what’s inside it.

Chalupa February 1, 2011 at 11:22 pm

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The Alan Grayson – Brontosaurus patty with a fried pterodactyl egg in dinosaur sauce on a stone ground wheat bun – served with club soda.

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