Old Soviet jokes become the new American reality. You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. Then the government sends you to prison.

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hisham November 9, 2012 at 9:39 pm

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I really don’t see any humor in this. I’m way too cynical and these blatant kleptocrats will brag about hanging us with the rope we sell to them, but they can’t see the brick wall they’re barreling towards at top speed…full stupid ahead!

Not so silent November 9, 2012 at 9:45 pm

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F*ck Obama…you may now report me to the appropriate authorities….

wingater November 10, 2012 at 3:16 am

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Me too!

PsychoDad November 9, 2012 at 11:25 pm

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Hey! Any idea how long I’ve been hanging on to this?
Here ya go, the compleate . . . .

The Politically Cow-rect Guide to World-wide Cows

American farmer: You have two cows. You milk them, sell the milk at market price, and make a profit. You buy a third cow with the profit. Repeat.

American corporate farmer: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an initial public offering on the second one. You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses. Your stock goes up.

Florida corporation: You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for
the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for
the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some
people can’t figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from
out-of-state tell you which is the best-looking one.

French farmer: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three
cows. You go to lunch and drink wine. Life is good.

German farmer: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they are all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles
an hour. Unfortunately, they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

Iranian farmer: The imam has two cows, praise Allah. Sometimes you see
some milk. The imam denies that there is secret program for enriching the milk
into high-yield cheese. Imam calls for extermination of goat farm to the west.

Italian farmer: You have two cows but you don’t know where they are. While
ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

Japanese farmer: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth
the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to
travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow cram school.

New York farmer: You have fifteen million cows. You have to choose which
one will be the leader of the herd, so you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.

Polish farmer: You have two bulls. Hired hands are regularly maimed and
killed attempting to milk them.

Israeli kibbutznik: You have two cows. ‘You’ includes 99 other Israelis. It takes
all 100 of you to care for the cows. You wonder how the individual farmer
down the road manages to outperform you with only himself, his wife, and two sons.

Russian farmer: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count them and
learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and
learn you have forty-two cows. You count them again and learn you have twelve
cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your tenth five-year plan in the last three months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

Taliban farmer: You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You
don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts. Then you
kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up while they were in the hospital.

Al-qaida farmer : You have two cows. They go into hiding. They sometimes release
blurry videos of themselves mooing. You occasionally step in a cow pat, so you know they’re still out there.

Democracy

Ideal Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they go
mad. The government doesn’t do anything.

American Democracy — The Plan: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

American Democracy — What Really Happened: The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair “Cowgate.”

Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

US Political Scene

Democrat: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
successful. You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing you
to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take
the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

Republican: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Bureaucracy Everywhere: You have two cows. The FDA regulates what you can
feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After
that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the
drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Ism’s

Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
neighbors shoot you and take the cows.

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a
barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
government gives you as much milk as you need.

Euro-socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts
them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken
farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the
chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.

British Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and raise a herd of cows.

Entrepreneurism: You have two cows. You rent the bull from the capitalist. After
he’s serviced your cows you return the bull so you don’t have to feed him. Your
herd grows twice as fast.

Federalism: The Federal Government prohibits milking fewer than three cows. The
State Government requires anyone owning more than one cow to milk it.

Hong Kong capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly
listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you
get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk
rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman
Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights
to all seven cows’ milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that
the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the fung shui is bad.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they
ever existed. Milk is banned.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Nazism: You have two cows. The Gestapo arrests them in the middle of the night, and they are never seen again. You are under suspicion as a tool of the secret cow conspiracy until you whole-heartedly support the doctrine that cows are responsible for all of the Fatherland’s woes.

Under the Red Flag

Marxism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them,
and you all share the milk.

Leninism: You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows
are also shot as counter-revolutionary. The Proletariat gets the milk, but
refuses to drink such petit bourgeois beverages.

Stalinism: You have two cows. You are shot as a counter-revolutionary. The cows
are put in the Gulag. The milk? What milk? Who are you, and why are you asking
about milk, Comrade?

Cold-War Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

Chinese Communism [Maoist]: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

Chinese Communism [Contemporary]: Two cows belong to the State. For the benefit of Progressive Socialism, you may milk them, as long as you sell one and one-half times their production to the commune for half the cost of production.

Philosophy

Western Religion: All praise and glory to the cow who gives us her milk which
supports our bodies and nourishes our soul.

Eastern Religion: Cows may or may not be. The true cow is inside. Drink the milk.
Chant.

Middle-Eastern Religion: There is no Cow but Cow, and the other Cow is Her Prophet.

Existentialism: Cows are. Milk may or may not be, but it hardly matters, now
does it?

Nihilism: Cow is dead.

Alternative Theories

Counter culture: Wow, dude, there’s like… these two cows, man. You just got to
have some of this milk.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Feminism: You have two cows. They get married and adopt a veal calf.

Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or
killing them.

Political correctness: You are associated with (the concept of “ownership” is a
symbol of the phallocentric, warmongering, intolerant, patriarchal past) two
differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified
gender.

Californian: You have a cow and a bull. The bull is depressed. It has spent its
life living a lie. It goes away for two weeks. It comes back after a
taxpayer-paid sex-change operation. You now have two cows. One gives milk; the
other doesn’t. You try to sell the transgender cow. Its lawyer sues you for
discrimination. You lose in court. You sell the milk-producing cow to pay the
damages. You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow. You change your business to beef. PETA pickets your farm. Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway. Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows.” Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 th of your farm “for the children.” The California General Assembly passes a law giving your farm to Mexico. The LA Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats. You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations. The cow starves to death. The LA Times’ analysis shows your business failure is President Bush’s fault.

And finally:

Fark.com:

Ceiling cow is watching you milk!
IZE IN YR BARN DRNKING YR MLKZ
ORRLY????
Your cow is an a$$hat. DIAF!
[All cows perish in ensuing flamewar.]

hisham November 9, 2012 at 11:59 pm

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LOF***INGL!!!!! And as Guy Fieri would say: “This is Money!” or, “Winner, winner bovine dinner!”

poppajoe49 November 10, 2012 at 4:32 am

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PD, that was almost as long as you know who’s posts, but much easier to read, and makes more sense.

PsychoDad November 10, 2012 at 1:55 pm

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Thanks!

Ruben November 10, 2012 at 8:14 am

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COMEDY PLATINUM!

Fenster314 November 10, 2012 at 3:33 am

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I always thought “The People’s Cube” was just clever satire. Then I realized that the Obama agenda has been wholeheartedly embraced by the Communist Party USA – and has just been elected to a second term.

Ol Tail Gunner Joe McCarthy would need an abacus to count all the communists in the US government these days.

poppajoe49 November 10, 2012 at 4:31 am

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I doubt an abacus would handle it, you would need a Cray supercomputer.

DefHarryMelon November 10, 2012 at 6:25 am

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Oleg Atbashian or however his name is spelled has quite a story. The Cube is quite a satirical entity, but you know how those old USSRians had to keep everything low key to avoid the gulag or lobotomy mill. His book is a read, too. He may have more than the one now. He’s busy fighting our fight with a focus on the reality of the outcome should the enemy be victorious. http://www.shakedownsocialism.com/ Good stuff here.

Progressive Hemrrhoid November 10, 2012 at 6:12 am

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It’s gotten to the point you can’t buy that many bullets to get rid of them.

hisham November 10, 2012 at 7:44 am

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Joe Stalin had no compunctions about offing 50 to 60 million of his own Russian people to insure the success of the Soviet State. Since people like bill Ayers and Bernardine Dorn have said as much themselves, and The One is in their circle of friends, (if people this evil have friends) it’s a good bet they don’t have a lot of trouble with murdering tens of millions of Americans to get their point across. I am leaving as quietly as I can. I will miss you guys. Please be safe. Since the UN has taken over the “oversight” of the internet, we are no longer safe to say what we want. Free speech has flown the coop!

poppajoe49 November 10, 2012 at 7:53 am

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Fuck the UN, Fuck Obama’s administration, Fuck them all.
I and many others will fight these douchebags to the last man.
I know many in the military feel the same way, and if told to kill citizens, they will turn their guns on those giving the orders.
That is one thing they underestimate, our resolve to live on our terms.
This is not the Soviet Union, we haven’t been brainwashed and beaten down to the point that we will just do as we are told.

hisham November 10, 2012 at 8:28 am

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Maybe not yet, but they’ve been playing a slow simmer game with us for the last 100 years. None of this was accidential, none of it. The commies are just now confident enough to come out of the closet. If we were to control this behemoth, we should have done it way back in 1912. We cooked our goose when we elected Woodrow Wilson. Now, if we want our country back, things get a little more complicated. I don’t mean to sound defeatist, I’ve been sobered by this turn of events. We haven’t lost all, but we have lost a lot. God wasn’t there for us because we haven’t earned his being there for us. Until we tackle some of this era’s social and political monsters: abortion, euthenasia, homosexual agendas, fetal stem-cell reasearch, or cloning…all of these things are nails in our national coffin. We bury ourselves until or unless we address them truthfully. One segment of society is only concerned about the here and now and their own gratifications and the other segment of society is being led around by the nose. If you want your country back, you may need to start on your knees.

poppajoe49 November 10, 2012 at 9:01 am

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I agree with you on almost all of what you said. My only caveat is stem cell research. We can do all of that we want as long as we simply use umbilical cord stem cells. It is not required to use aborted babies to do this. There are medical advances that would be wonderful for everyone that we could gain from this.

hisham November 10, 2012 at 2:08 pm

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I understand poppajoe49, but fetal stem cell research is not producing any new advances that the other research is producing. The fetal stem cell stuff comes from a line, or two, or three, or more of unused fetal tissue. Basically the tissue is “not viable” but why do they have to euthenize it to pick apart for its individual genetic material? There is plenty of great progress, that is not talked about, coming from the codal stem cell blood stem cell research, (check if I have these terms right because I’m nowhere near smart enough to understand more than the very basics of this stuff). Why use the material that doesn’t have to come from aborted humans and which, by the way, causes cancerous tumors and lesions in the patients experimented on with it and use the stuff that comes after the natural mother gives birth, or the stuff from adults, and which does not cause horrible cancerous tumors and lesions? That’s my question.

poppajoe49 November 10, 2012 at 5:52 pm

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That’s my point. Collect umbilical cord waste from a maternity ward and use that.

RobertW November 10, 2012 at 11:43 pm

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you may need to start on your knees.

May?

II Chronicles 7:14

here i’ve been citing Isaiah for that, i was wrong. sorry.

hisham November 11, 2012 at 10:50 am

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It was more of a spiritually reflective statement, especially for people who are just beginning to notice a need to do so.

RobertW November 11, 2012 at 12:34 pm

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i can dig it.

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