January 2009

Fox News loves Obama. In a manly sort of way.

by editor on January 31, 2009

When the most recent ratings came out, they probably popped a bottle of champagne at Fox News and toasted our new Fearless Leader. The number one news network’s ratings have soared since Obama was inaugurated.

Here’s a look at the top ten cable TV shows for January 28, 2009

Network    Program         Total Audience

Fox News    O’Reilly             3,891,000

Fox News    Hannity            3,034,000

Fox News    Beck                 2,306,000

Fox News    Shep Smith       2,299,000

Fox News    Greta                2,155,000

MSNBC        Olbermann       1,581,000

CNN            Cooper              1,559,000

CNN            Blitzer               1,490,000

CNNHN        Grace               1,435,000

CNN            King                 1,420,000

While they were celebrating at Fox, Keith Olbermann was put on suicide watch over at MSNBC.

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The skier siting next to Rachel Maddow on the ski lift in the Duabi snow park reports she told him, "See, see! Global warming even works indoors."

The skier siting next to Rachel Maddow on the ski lift in the Duabi snow park reports she told him, "See, global warming even effects the indoors."

Here at I Hate The Media, we’re pretty well known for our sensitivity. So we want to make sure we say this delicately, so as not to offend.

Aw, the hell with it.

Rachel Maddow is out of her mind. It snowed in Dubai this week and the queen of MSNBC blamed it on global warming.

“Some big global warming news today. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton named a special envoy today for climate change…And if that’s not big enough news on climate change, how about this. It snowed in Dubai. Yeah, in the United Arab Emirates. And it’s not the fake, fluffy stuff they make for an indoor ski resort neither. These were big, chunky snowflakes falling on a mountain in the United Arab Emirates for only the second time in recorded history. The occurrence this weekend was so rare that local residents say they do not have a word for snow in their local dialect.”

Our correspondent in Abu Dhabi, which is right next door to Dubai, reports that local residents do have words for “Nuttier than a fruitcake.”

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Stimulus package “unstimulating”

by editor on January 31, 2009

We’ve got trouble in River City. And the river is the Potomac. And the city is Washington, DC.

Looks like even leftwing puppets Jim Cramer and Chris Matthews are questioning the stimulus bill’s meager infrastructure spending.

“Take the infrastructure number. Do you know that it’s $30 billion for infrastructure for bridges?” Cramer queried. “The ‘Big Dig’ cost $22 billion…and it only put 5,000 to work…It’s not gonna put a lot of people to work.”

“Why in the world aren’t we doing what they said they were going to do – build bridges, factory jobs, replace the smell of decay with the smell of construction?” Matthews said.

Matthews went on to say other things — many other things, in fact — interrupting Cramer and other guests and complete strangers, but it was all so incoherent that we won’t bother quoting it here.

Hell, we’re still wondering what “the smell of construction” might be.

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 The fans at this game couldn't be any more excited than the ones who gave President Bush a standing ovation.

The fans at this game couldn't be any more excited than the ones who gave President Bush a standing ovation.

After bashing former President Bush for the last eight years, this isn’t a story you’re likely to see on the evening news.

The former President and his wife Laura attended the big women’s basketball game between No. 2 Oklahoma and No. 4 Baylor.

As they entered the arena with Lady Bears coach Kim Mulkey, they received a long, loud standing ovation from the fans. They were lost in a sea of photographers and camera crews.

Later in the game, the former president was introduced during a TV timeout, and was greeted with another hearty round of applause.

Democrat operatives immediately accused Karl Rove of orchestrating the entire event.

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The recession and plummeting ad sales have claimed another 200 victims as the Walt Disney Co announced layoffs.

The media and entertainment conglomerate expects to freeze 200 vacant jobs, resulting in a 5% reduction in ABC-TV’s workforce of about 6,500 to 7,000.

“After months of making hard decisions across our businesses to help us adjust to a weakening economy, we’re now faced with the harsh reality of having to eliminate jobs in some areas,” said Disney spokesperson Anne Sweeney.

Sadly, even Disneyland has not been spared the pain of the recession. Grumpy has been given his walking papers and one of the park’s most famous attractions will been renamed Snow White and the Six Dwarfs.

Not everyone is buying the media’s message

by Administrator on January 31, 2009


Apparently, not everyone out there is buying the media spin. This sign was recently posted in a field in Shafer, Minnosota.

For you city folks, that piece of equipment is a manure spreader.

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Daschle, Richardson, Clinton and Blogojevich seen fleeing from ethics charges.

Daschle, Richardson, Clinton and Blogojevich seen fleeing from ethics charges.

When the new Obama administration said it would act with lightning speed in its first hundred days, no one knew they were talking the speed with which their friends would pile up ethics violations.

First, Illinois governor Rod Blogojevich was busted for attempting to sell Obama’s senate seat the highest bidder.

Then, New Mexico governor Bill Richardson had to withdraw from consideration as Commerce Secretary due to similar “pay to play” accusations.

Then, Hilary Clinton was named Secretary of State despite the obvious conflicts presented by her husband’s acceptance of millions of dollars from foreign governments.

Then, Timothy Geithner was confirmed as Secretary of the Treasury despite cheating on his taxes.

And yesterday Tom Daschle, Obama’s nominee for head of Health & Human Services, had to pay $140,000 in back taxes and interest for limousine and chauffeur services given to him by a wealthy donor.

Doesn’t this Obama guy have any honest friends?

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Dennis Miller says Al Gore is a doofus

by editor on January 31, 2009

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAc4H7JTzW8While Senators of both parties bowed and curtsied to Al Gore, Dennis Miller used his sharply-honed analytical skills to determine that the man is a doofus, not a genius.

“He’s a bit of a doofus,” Miller observed. “He’s got too much of his personal salvation tied up in this for me to just take him at face value and think, well, it must be so. Al Gore said it.”

“Since the people of Tennessee essentially kept him from getting the White House, the people who knew him the best,” Miller continued, “I think that crushed his soul. I think he’s looking for something to brace himself up…I think at the core of it he’s a guy who’s guessing and must have some trepidation deep within that he’s clumsily overplayed this hand.”

There’s only one person in the world funnier than Dennis Miller. That person is, of course, Al Gore. He just doesn’t know he’s being funny.

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Weather Channel van experiencing global warming first hand in Times Square. Photo by Flickr's condour

Weather Channel van experiencing global warming first hand in Times Square. Photo by Flickr's condour

John Coleman, founder of the Weather Channel says global warming is a “hoax” and “bad science” and that Al Gore refuses to admit his cause is based on bad research.

“I am totally convinced there is no scientific basis for any of it,” Coleman said. “Global Warming. It is the hoax. It is bad science. It is a high-jacking of public policy. It is no joke. It is the greatest scam in history.”

Al Gore reportedly responding by saying, “The Weather Channel? Hah. Everyone knows you can’t trust a TV weatherman.”

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Couric wonders “What more can Obama do?”

by editor on January 31, 2009

question_markThe economy may be in a recession, but the network news anchors were thrown into full scale depression when House Republicans unanimously rejected Obama’s stimulus bill.

“The President went up to the Hill to personally appeal to Republicans already,” Katie Couric sighed. “What more can he do?”

“Republicans relentlessly attacked the bill,” wailed CBS reporter Chip Reid, “despite the President’s extraordinary efforts to get bipartisan support.”

“Not one Republican voted for it,” whimpered ABC anchor Charles Gibson, “turning a cold shoulder to the President’s appeal for bipartisan support.”

So much for the President’s charm offensive,” said reporter Jonathan Karl. “Today it was all partisan rancor and name-calling.”

We hope the president’s universal healthcare plan calls for universal Valium prescriptions. Looks like the news anchors are going to need it.

Brilliant anti-abortion commercial banned by NBC

by editor on January 31, 2009

Here at I Hate The Media, we know a thing or two about advertising. Like, for example, we know a great commercial when we see it.

NBC has rejected a Super Bowl commercial created by a Catholic advocacy group. The ad, which can be seen here (to the left) is simple, riveting, and features a surprise twist. Consider it proof that a great commercial doesn’t have to cost millions of dollars.

No matter what position you take on the abortion issue, this commercial is a simple, powerful piece of communication.

Watch it.

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The final score: Limbaugh 188, Olbermaniac 0

by editor on January 30, 2009

rushlimbaugh_cigarThe voices in Keith Olbermaniac’s head must be angrier than usual this morning.

“In his inaugural address,” Olbermann crowed two days ago, “the President essentially tried to create a wedge between those who are reasonable and those who are not. Of course, he was talking about the Muslim world. Is it possible in this different context that he’s trying to do the same as he seeks bipartisanship with the Republicans. Sort of, you know, separate Mullah Limbaugh from the herd?”

The smirk on Olbermann’s face revealed just how clever he thought he was for making this observation.

Then two things happened.

First, Rep Phil Gingrey (R-GA) appeared as a guest on Limbaugh’s program yesterday, and humbly apologized for telling Rush to “back off” congressional Republican leaders.

Then, instead of separating themselves from Limbaugh, House Republicans unanimously voted against Obama’s economic “stimulus” package. And in what must have been even more frustrating for Olbermaniac, 11 Democrats crossed the aisle to vote against it.

It appears that Mullah Limbaugh has issued the symbolic equivalent of a fatwah against infidel Olbermann.

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new_yorker_magAs if attempting to prove the truth of that old New Yorker cartoon that shows nothing of any consequence beyond the friendly confines of Manhattan, the New York Times has condemned liberal Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand for being too conservative.

Apparently, Gillibrand hasn’t toed the party line quite as strictly as they would like. Can you imagine the gnashing of teeth at the DNC when they found out she has a 100% lifetime rating from the National Rifle Association, voted against TARP, supports the death penalty, and is pro-life? Yet despite those “conservative” positions, Gillibrand considers herself a liberal.

We’re sure the Times has nothing to worry about, because Gillibrand’s liberal re-education has already begun. She announced that she is going to visit Harlem with Rev. Al Sharpton “to become more enlightened about gun control.”

Our opinion: the terms “Al Sharpton” and “enlightenment” are mutually exclusive.

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Networks ignore 300,000 pro-life march

by editor on January 30, 2009

march_for_lifeYou’ve seen it happen a thousand times. Half a dozen nitwits show up for a liberal protest and the evening news makes it look as if they numbered in the thousands.

Yet last week, when 300,000 people showed up at the annual March for Life in Washington, DC, the nets were able to make it look as if the attendance was zero. Because ABC, CBS, NBC, and PBS completely ignored the event. So did the print editions of Time and Newsweek.

“If 50,000 feminists had gathered on the Mall in D.C., to demand passage of the so-called Freedom of Choice Act,” a spokesman said, “it would have been above-the-page-one-fold coverage in The Times, accompanied by an aerial photo of the crowd.”

Look for it right next to the story about how much Michelle Obama’s dress cost. And right above the story about how conservatives want to starve old people.

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Washington Post mocks deification of Gore

by editor on January 30, 2009

magic_8_ballTemperatures may have been freezing in Washington, DC yesterday, but the reception Al Gore got from the Washington Post was even chiller.

They dubbed him The Goracle, poked fun at his pompous predictions, laughed at his tortured phraseology, and cackled about kowtowing interrogators. They said:

“Mostly, however, the lawmakers took turns asking the Goracle for advice, as if playing with a Magic 8 Ball.”

“Prospects for regulating a future carbon emissions market? ‘There’s a high degree of confidence.’ The future of automobiles in China and India? ‘I wouldn’t give up on electric vehicles.’ The potential of solar power in those countries? “’I have no question about it at all.’”

We got out our Magic 8-Ball and asked it a few questions. This thing’s good.

Is Al Gore a pompous ass? “Signs point to yes.” Is global warming some kind of scam? “It is decidedly so.” Is this article about finished? “Without a doubt.”

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Gays Ga-Ga Over Andrea Mitchell. No, seriously.

by editor on January 30, 2009

Andrea Mitchell feeling gay!

Andrea Mitchell feeling witty, oh so witty, oh so witty and pretty and gay

Believe it or not, veteran NBC News reporter Andrea Mitchell is an icon within the gay community.

(We’ll pause here for a moment to let you reflect upon that last sentence. Perhaps you may even want to re-read it for fear that you misread it the first time).

To repeat, veteran NBC News reporter Andrea Mitchell is an icon within the gay community.

“She’s the Golden Girls rolled into one,” one gay reporter noted. “The body of Sophia, the sassiness of Dorothy and probably a sex kitten like Blanche, and most likely from the Midwest like Rose.”

Pick whatever icons you want. But for god’s sake, guys, this woman is a thousand years old, has a grating voice, and her face looks like a pillow case that was left in the dryer too long.

Isn’t one Barbara Streisand enough for the gay community?

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Rahm uses his secure phone to call his media buddies

Rahm Emanuel cleverly uses his secure phone to make secret calls to his media pals

As the sun comes up each morning, Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s chief of staff, calls his pals in the media – CNN’s James Carville and Paul Begala, ABC’s George Stephanopoulos, and pollster Stan Greenberg.

That was no problem last month, but Emanuel is now President Obama’s Chief of Staff, and the calls have now taken on an air of conspiracy. Where’s the shock and outrage and the suggestion that Emanuel is coordinating media coverage?

From our perspective, two things surprise us about this story.

First, that no one has objected to this “cozy” relationship between the president’s chief of staff and members of the media.

And second, that Emanuel has four friends.

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NBC News anchor Brian Williams is very pleased that Barack Obama is our new chief executive. But not so pleased, mind you, that it influences his work.

Just as we were beginning to worry about Williams’ impartiality, he reassured us that “none” of his personal enthusiasm about Obama’s presidency “is about a party” since “none of us have a party in my line of work. We all try to call balls and strikes down the center.”

Then Williams impartially noted that “we have a dazzling family in the White House” and stated that Obama “has an enormous brain.”

If brain size is now a reason to vote for a presidential candidate, let us be the first to say, “Brainiac 2012.”

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Where’s that internet kid who became famous for crying his eyes out and screeching, “Just leave Britney alone.” Jessica Simpson is looking for him.

The photo on the left was taken this week as Jessica opened for Rascal Flatts in Greenville, South Carolina. The photo on the right was taken in another galaxy long ago and far away.

We refuse to be drawn into this sordid controversy. Here at I Hate The Media, we like to keep ourselves above the tawdry, everyday issues that concern small-minded people.

But we sure would enjoy the hell out of it if you’d add a funny photo caption to our comment section.

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Party with a prostitute, prostitute with a party

by editor on January 29, 2009

photo by David Paul Ohmer

photo by David Paul Ohmer

Media bias is alive and well in Chicago.

In a recent story about Windy City prostitution, the Chicago Sun-Times ignored Democratic New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s party affiliation (he’s a Democrat), but felt it was important to point out that the hooker is a Republican.

Although the article noted that Spitzer was forced out of office “after it became public that he met for over two hours with a $1,000-an-hour prostitute,” his party affiliation was unmentioned.

But when it came to the hooker, the article said, “Public records show she is a registered Republican and holds a hunting license in Nevada.”

Considering the massive debt with which Spitzer left as his legacy, the case can easily be made that he screwed the people of New York for far more than $1000 an hour.

Cold water thrown on global warming alarmist

by editor on January 29, 2009

photo by Flickr's Rick

photo by Flickr's Rick

James Hansen, one of Al Gore’s closest allies, has given thousands of speeches and written enough papers to kill a medium-sized forest. Yet he repeatedly says he was muzzled by the Bush administration.

Oops. Hansen’s former boss, retired senior NASA atmospheric scientist, Dr. John Theon, says Hansen’s claims are nonsense.

“Hansen was never muzzled even though he violated NASA’s official agency position on climate forecasting (i.e., we did not know enough to forecast climate change or mankind’s effect on it). Hansen thus embarrassed NASA by coming out with his claims of global warming in 1988 in his testimony before Congress,” Theon said.

Damn those inconvenient truths! Damn them to hell!

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Angry film director Spike Lee has a simple plan for restoring America to the glory that was Clinton. Bill, that is. It boils down to this: if Bush did it, don’t do it.

Lee shared his wisdom at the Creative Coalition’s pre-inaugural ball dinner.

“Look, I’m not an economist,” Lee admitted. “He has people with him, and they are gonna do it…Everything (Bush) did, don’t do!”

Does anyone have an Oslo phone book handy? We need to call the folks at the Nobel Prize headquarters and nominate this guy for something. How about Nobel Prize for Stupid?

chinatownRemember that scene in “Chinatown” where Jack Nicholson roughs up Faye Dunaway until she reveals the identity of the mysterious young girl?

He slaps her and she says, “She’s my sister.” He slaps her again and she says, “My daughter.” They ping pong back and forth until Dunaway breaks down and admits the girl is daughter and her sister, the result of an incestuous relationship with her father.

Looks we have another incestuous Chinatown situation on our hands in Washington, DC. Turns out Callie Shell, a Time Magazine photographer, has been working simultaneously for Team Obama, snapping official White House photos.

We wish someone would slap Callie around a little just to see if she’ll crack as easily as Faye Dunaway did.

Slap. “I’m a completely impartial journalist.”

Slap. “I’m a biased hack.”

Slap. “I’m a completely impartial journalist.”

Slap. “I’m a biased hack.”

Slap. “Stop slapping me, wimpy boy. I already told you I was a biased hack.”

Is Obama first truly American president?

by editor on January 29, 2009

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XUveqFZRgwWe were pretty sure Barack Obama was our forty-fourth president. We thought we read that somewhere. But it looks like we were wrong.

Emmy Award-winning commentator John Ridley said Obama’s the first. And this guy works for PBS, so he’s obviously smarter than the rest of us.

“Quite simply, quite plainly, just by virtue of his being,” Ridley idiotically opined, “Obama is America, and the first true American to lead our nation.”

Hey, don’t our taxes support PBS? We want our money back.

Obama campaign celeb says, “F— tha Police”

by editor on January 29, 2009

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ro08bILEvqcWe’re into deep introspection here at I Hate the Media. Every once in a while we look at our lives and think, “Perhaps we should show the media a little more love.”

Then we’re jolted back to reality when we find a quote from some bonehead like Russell Simmons.

Simmons, co-founder of Def Jam Records, who campaigned extensively for President Obama, recently told reporters that his favorite song is “F— tha Police.”

When asked if Obama’s election would inspire rappers to be less explicit in their lyrics, Simmons said he does not see a problem with their vulgarities.

Thank you, Russell. It’s stupidity like yours that makes our lives worth living.

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