Tell us your jokes.

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This post was last modified on January 10, 2021

Jokes
CO2Insanity: Tired of the CO2 BS and all the other BS in the US and the world.

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  • Remember John and Lorena Bobbitt?

    Little known is that two guys were behind her car when she tossed his penis out of the window. It bounced off the windshield of their car first.

    The driver said, "Damn Vern, did you see the size of that bug?"

    Vern said, "Yea Bob, but did you see the size of the dick on that sucker?"

  • The Pfizer Corporation announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and this new product will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.

    It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs and just a good old-fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

    Thought for the day...There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs, huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

  • Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen, the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
    What did she think I had an elephant?
    So because I’m retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete,(certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
    Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me? I told her, no, I was sitting in my driveway licking my balls when my wife came home and hit me with the car.
    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won’t let me shop there anymore. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

  • A COMPANY ANNOUNCEMENT
    Dear Employees:
    As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Joe Biden is our President and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way.
    To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about 10%.
    But, since we cannot increase our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off sixty of our employees instead.
    This has really been bothering me since I believe we are family here and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go. So, this is what I did.
    I walked through our parking lots and found sixty ‘Biden Harris’ bumper stickers on our employees’ cars and have decided these folks will be the ones to let go.
    I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem. They voted for change……I gave it to them. I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
    The Boss

  • The Mother Superior at a church is going on a two-week vacation.

    She calls in a novice Nun and tells her "OK Sister Sally, I'm going on vacation for 2 weeks. Your job is to do what I do and take care of Father Flaherty. You will cook, wash his clothes and help him with whatever he needs. I'll be checking on how it went when I return."

    Two weeks later Mother Superior returns. She immediately finds Sister Sally and asked how it went.

    Sister Sally said, "all was OK. She cooked, washed, cleaned and took care of Father Flannery."

    She said, "I even gave him a massage every morning. When I did this thing rose in the bed. I asked Father what it was and he said it was the "Key to Heaven and he needed to put it in my lock so we'd go to Heaven every day." We did this every morning."

    Mother Superior got a scowl on her face and said, "Key? Lock? Why that old bastard told me that was Gabriel's Horn."

  • I've posted this joke on IHTM before. It's my favorite.

    Bronze Rat

    A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?"

    "Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.

    The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

    As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

    A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

    Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay .

    Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

    Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

    Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

    The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown .

    "Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story ?"

    "No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat."

    • It's borderline absurd, isn't it? But now that we have these women on video doing this, why can't the cops arrest them, put them in separate rooms, sweat them, and wait for one of them to crack? What is it that law enforcement finds so difficult about going after election fraud?

      • Shining a light on these black precincts is racist. Nobody wants to do it. That is until Rudy Giuliani. He has presented mountains of evidence in these state hearings. I've watched most of them. Rudy is going to be a National Hero.

        Georgia Gov. Kemp Calls For Signature Audit Following CCTV Footage Of Late-Night Ballot Malarkey
        https://www.theburningplatform.com/2020/12/04/georgia-gov-kemp-calls-for-signature-audit-following-cctv-footage-of-late-night-ballot-malarkey/

        Overturning this election fraud will mean prison terms for hundreds of poll workers. No doubt!

        • The governor calling for an audit with only days left until the Electoral College meets is not the same thing as someone taking these four women on a perp walk. I'm sick and tired of politicians calling for this and calling for that while nothing ever changes.

          • And so I repeat my question: why is the Internet doing this and not the police? I mean, good grief, the woman is on video stealing a presidential election (we assume) and nobody is tracking her down and arresting her? I JUST DO NOT GET IT.

          • On Friday morning, the Fulton County Elections Director, Rick Barron, addressed the State Farm Arena video in a hearing and argued his agency saw no irregularities.

          • They invented a fake water leak, told all the witnesses to leave because they would not be doing anymore counting till morning, then as soon as they were gone pulled suitcases of ballots out from under a table and starting running them through the counting machine... and he sees nothing wrong? Somebody should ask him what WOULD rise to the level of being something wrong.

          • Kelly Ann Conway has said that Biden has the electoral votes needed to win. If Biden is sworn in, the United States has officially joined the ranks of banana republics. The world is now ripe for the one world government the Bible warned would come in the last days.

          • We go through this every time. If you show the Deep State judges proven election fraud related to specific votes, they say it's not enough votes to change the result. If you show them examples of mass election fraud on a scale that affects the result of the election, they say you can't prove which specific votes were fraudulent. It's impossible to do both at the same time with Democrat election officials erasing voting machines and shredding ballots as fast as they can to destroy evidence. Remember, this is what Lyndon Johnson did in Texas about three quarters of a century ago: he was losing until suddenly they came up with a round 50,000 votes for Johnson. Afterward, when Republicans asked to see those 50,000 ballots, election officials had already shredded them, so the judge of course ruled that Republicans couldn't prove the ballots were fraudulent... no punishment whatsoever for the election officials who shredded the ballots. Which is why I think the only answer is to start putting election officials in prison, with harsh sentences, to send a message across the land.

          • Turns out Kelly Ann Conway was taken out of context. Should have known. The Fulton County Elections Director, Rick Barron when questioned by reporters admitted he had not seen the video. WTH! I feel like we're in that episode of Seinfeld. Bizarro World!

          • Had not seen the video? Are you kidding me? What in the world does he do during his workday that could be more important than looking at video of election fraud committed on his watch?

          • That's a good question, that needs to be answered. The left gets away with so much more than the right. I read the other day that it's like we're in a caste system.
            Trump has done a lot. Maybe we need 4 more years for him to be able to clean up our INjustice system along with the FBI, CIA, and such. The clowns we've had in office since Reagan has done extensive damage to our government. God help us if this election isn't set right.

  • THE SENATOR & HIS PORSCHE
    A Washington Senator (and lawyer) parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the Senate office building, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too close to the car and completely tore off the driver’s door.
    Fortunately, a policeman was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, his lights flashing. But, before the policeman had a chance to ask any questions, the politician started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same no matter how hard the body shop tried to make it new again.
    After the honorable Senator finally wound down from his rant, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
    “I can’t believe how materialistic you politicians are”, he said. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life.”
    “How can you say such a thing?” asked the Senator.
    The officer replied, “Don’t you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!”
    “OH, MY GOD!”‘ screamed the Senator.
    “MY ROLEX!!!”

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