British scientists make major discovery: Gwyneth Paltrow is nuts

British scientists have called Gwyneth Paltrow ‘loopy’ after she issued a warning that shampoo causes cancer.

The semi-American actress admits she was “seized with fear” after learning about “environmental toxins” (you would call them “chemicals found in everyday items.”) Paltrow said the number of children getting cancer and autism was growing ‘exponentially’ as a result of those chemicals.

“It annoys me when celebrities use their position to spout nonsense,” said Hugh Pennington, Emeritus Professor of bacteriology at Aberdeen University and a leading bacteriologist. “They have a perfect right to their views, even if they are loopy. But shampoo is perfectly safe – unless you drink it in large quantities.”

Paltrow promulgated her wacky claims on goop.com, her personal website, where she often gives fans information about her favourite restaurants and tasty organic recipes.

Paltrow’s children, Apple and Moses, are being raised on a macrobiotic diet. That means no cheese and no white flour. But as long as mom’s around, it means plenty of nuts.