Author: A. Smithee

Florida ‘vampire’ attacks senior citizen at vacant Hooters. This guy obviously didn’t read the Hooters Handbook – RULE #27: Never enter a vacant establishment for a late night bite!

Dear nudists: Please cover up, the seat at least. Supervisor Scott Wiener introduced legislation Tuesday that would require nudists to put something under their bottoms if they take a seat in public and to cover up when they’re in a restaurant. You can’t make this stuff up.

Battle For Weiner’s Seat In Congress Turns Into Referendum On Obama Policies. The Republican contender gets the endorsement of Dem Assemblyman Hikind. His platform? It’s time to “shrink the size of government”. Shrinkage. One thing that would have kept Weiner in office.

Top of Chinese wealthy’s wish list? To leave China. What?! Successful business people in communist China don’t like having everything they own taken away from them? Oh, and they want a second baby? How dare them. Maybe a swap is in order… and let’s start from the top down.

Nathan Mark Hardy Arrested With Live Lobsters In Shorts. Insert crustacean joke here. Oh, and I thought they reserved the use of the middle name for presidential assassination attempts?

UN watchdog says Libyan chemical weapons secure. Rest easy, comrades! The UN has it under control! Of course they will definitely make sure once “conditions will allow us.”

Romney outlines jobs plan before debate, president. Cut taxes, slap China, drill oil. Opponents would rather stay the course – even though we’re out of gas, out of money, and out in the middle of nowhere. Anyone else feel like every time a Dem gets into office it’s suddenly 1977 and they want to try every failed economic policy all over again?

City sewer engineer paid $775k in 2010, more than any NYC employee; thousands of workers get backpay. Six other senior Department of Environmental Protection workers made more than $700,000; 13 made in the $600,000 range, and 47 earned in the $400,000 or $500,000 range. And that doesn’t even include the bribes or kickbacks! Fogettaboutit.

450 days after election, still no govt in Belgium. They might be on to something… and it’s not just waffles. February 2010 – the most productive month in Washington D.C. thanks to 30 inches of snow.

“You Lost the War” 9/11 Demonstration. Jaw, meet floor. Muslims plan a victory celebration in London during the moment of silence for the 9/11 attack.

Libyan rebels round up black Africans. Obama’s done a lot for the black culture both here and around the world! In the US – black unemployment highest in 27 years. In the Middle East – topple several governments without any sort of backup plan, leaving room for ethnic cleansing. He’s got the whole world in his hands…

Jordan woman killed in hospital over pregnancy. Apparently an “Honor Killing”. Ahhh, the religion of oxymorons.

Giant pipe and balloon to pump water into the sky in climate experiment. Grab your hoses and get ready to heal the planet! Or better yet, those who really believe all this pseudoscience can start jumping out of planes… parachute optional.

Road trip! UCLA student goes to Libya to fight with the rebels for a ‘sick’ summer break. Extra credit in stooopid.

Concord Man Killed Over Color Of His Belt Fashion Police go crazy? Nah, just some gang kids blowing off some steam. And the belt was BLUE after all.

New Mexico cop caught having sex on hood of car Officer? Are you sure this is the way a sobriety test is done?

HIV/AIDS group charged with diverting tax dollars to strip club The $330,000 federal tax dollars were intended to be used to renovate a jobs training center… no need to worry, the exotic dancers have started doing table dances for food stamps.

Daryl Hannah arrested in White House oil protest. Who? Seriously, Daryl “Where Did My Career Go” Hannah spent way too much time underwater filming “Splash”.

School official takes 800K pay cut for schools. Wait. This guy made $250,000 per year as a school superintendant? How do we get more back from him? Well, at least he gets his pension… please remove all sharp objects from within your reach when you watch this video.

Perry bills feds $349M for illegal immigrants. Feds quickly write Perry a bad check. Factoid: 90% of the Most Wanted in Los Angeles are illegal aliens from Mexico. ¡Arriba!

Puerto Rican Senator Roberto Arango Caught Posting Nude Pics On Grindr. Roberto claims he was documenting his weight loss. Barney Frank immediately starts to probe.