Author: J.P. Travis

After a month of hype, Discovery Channel’s Eaten Alive victim isn’t. Con man Adventurer Paul Rosolie tapped out before the snake even started swallowing him. The genius was apparently surprised when the 18-foot anaconda squeezed his arm. Yes, Paul, they do that.

Feel-good story of the day: A Swiss photographer held hostage for more than two years by Muslims in the Philippines, wrestled the machete away from a captor, slit the thug’s throat, and escaped in a hail of bullets.

American hostage Luke Somers killed during rescue attempt. At this point in Barack Obama’s third term of the Jimmy Carter presidency, is there a shred of doubt in anyone’s mind that the Commander-in-chief is personally responsible for screwing this up somehow?

Brooklyn stairwell victim’s family tells Al Sharpton to stay away from funeral. Sharpton says he’s coming to give a eulogy whether they want him there or not. ‘Cause that’s how MSNBC people roll, dog—they don’t cover the story, they make the story.

Obama on Garner: “My tradition is not to remark on cases where there may still be an investigation.” Huh? Since when?

Lena Dunham’s rape story falls apart under close examination. Liberals have a weird habit of writing autobiographies while still young that include incidents that are fictional. (In fact, our current president did it twice.)

“Miss BumBum” runner-up hospitalized after butt lift goes bad. She tried to enhance her background so she wouldn’t finish behind next time.

Chinese authorities: “No more puns!” Fear not this bald-faced attack on IHTM: though they build a Great Wall against our puns and though they will surely be Peking at us to monitor compliance, our humor will not be Shanghaied.

Welcome to $18 trillion. In spite of a record $341.5 billion in tax revenues for fiscal year 2014, the public debt of the federal government now stands at $18,005,549,328,561.45. A new milestone—or is it millstone?

Global Warming will stop planes from getting off the ground. Because warmer air is less dense and therefore provides less lift, a new study out of Columbia claims that by 2060 the warmer climate will make airlines reduce loads in order to take off. No word so far on whether “environmental scientists” will also be less dense by 2060—we can only hope.

National Education Association spent $35 million on politics in 2014. Every penny of it to promote leftwing causes and politicians. It’s all about the kids, right?

Farrakhan says black parents should teach kids to throw Molotov cocktails. Ranting about Ferguson, he says violence is justified by the “law of retaliation” which is in the Bible. And furthermore, if protesters’ demands aren’t met, “we’ll tear this goddamn country apart!”

Ah! those feminist trend setters! Seattle feminists have taken to dyeing their armpit hair.

Federal government suing companies for complying with Obamacare. Somebody stick a fork in it, this crappy piece of legislation is done. The federal government itself is against it.

Ah! well a-day! what evil looks
Had I from old and young!
Instead of the cross, the Albatross
About my neck was hung.

When pigs fly. This week’s sign of the collapse of civilization: Wednesday, an “emotional support pig” was kicked off a U.S. Airways flight for being disruptive.

Yet another reason to eschew a college education. Her name is Anthea Butler, she’s an associate professor at the University of Pennsylvania, and she doesn’t let her inability to express herself with accuracy, objectivity, or proper grammar stop her from spewing hatred of America and white people. (The word “impunity,” Ms. Butler, does not mean what you think it does.)

Black Friday brawls in the UK… over cheap panties. How is this possible? They don’t celebrate Thanksgiving so how can they have Black Friday?

Top contender for Defense Secretary is a lawyer. Other than as hired legal help, Jeh Johnson has never served in the military but he is the guy who pushed through the Pentagon’s repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” so that gays can openly serve. So we know what Obama’s priority is.

Israeli Arabs prefer Israel. 77% of Israeli Arabs said “Hell no!” to the concept of living under the Palestinian Authority’s purview.

President publicly admits he violated the Constitution. Addressing immigration hecklers last night, Obama stopped reading the teleprompter for a minute and that’s never a good thing with this guy:

“And I understand you may disagree, I understand you may disagree. But we have got to be able to talk honestly about these issues, all right? Now, you’re absolutely right that there have been significant numbers of deportations. That’s true. But what you are not paying attention to is the fact that I just took an action to change the law.“

Obamamnesty gives employers $3,000 incentive to hire illegals instead of citizens. The president with the reverse-Midas touch—everything he touches turns to shit.

Atlanta fire chief suspended without pay for being a Christian. On a positive note, this former member of the Obama administration is no doubt reconsidering his loyalty to the Democrat Party. If he’s not, he’s too dumb to worry about.

Earliest ice cover on Great Lakes in recorded history. The more the IPCC talks about Global Warming, the colder we get.