Proof that leftists never get laid: Ten green sins that can ruin your love life

No wonder the left doesn’t believe in abstinence. When you actually spend time worrying about whether your sex life is ecologically-correct, you’re never getting laid.

Stefanie Iris Weiss, author of Eco-Sex: Go Green Between the Sheets and Make Your Love Life Sustainable, warns that nothing can ruin your love life faster than committing these green sins.

Sin #1: Courting by car. Size does matter, especially when you’re talking about Big Oil. What woman in her right mind would want to go out with a guy who drives a sporty, luxurious, gas guzzling car?

Sin #2: Poison perfume. What? Big oil again? Weiss points out that, “Most perfumes are derived from petroleum, and some contain potential neurotoxins.” So she recommends that you wear organic essential oils. Does anyone know if whale oil qualifies as an organic essential oil?

Sin#3: Eating unsustainable chocolate. Don’t trifle with truffles unless they’re organic and fair trade certified. It’s been our experience that nothing turns a woman off faster than the thought of exploited field workers.

Sin #4: Ditching birth control. “Babies are adorable,” Weiss says, “but all those gurgling genetic replicas can be major carbon sins…So wrap it up with a natural latex, fair-trade condom from Sir Richards or French Letter Condoms, and toss it in the garbage post-coitus. Flushing pollutes waterways and kills marine life.” Damn it! There goes the whale oil we referred to in Sin #2.

Sin #5: Aphrodisiacs courtesy of Big Agra. 
Our food system is making us all sick and obese, damn it, so choose organic, local and fair-trade products. Weiss says, “You’ll go further if you get it fresh.” Our advice: Farmers markets are great places to pick up chicks.

Sin #6: Sleeping with the enemy.
 As if we didn’t have enough to worry about, Weiss warns that, “Conventional mattresses are made from polyurethane and dipped in a bath of frightening chemicals that should be nowhere near your body’s mucous membranes.” But she saves the day (and perhaps the night) by informing us that natural latex alternatives are available.

Sin #7: Inviting Big Pharma into your boudoir. 
Forget Viagra. According to Weiss, “Most ‘sexual dysfunction’ can be traced back to diet, lack of exercise, or toxic environmental conditions…If you must use a sexual aide, try horny goat weed, an herb that’s thought to help with erectile dysfunction.” Horny goat weed. We’re getting excited just saying it.

Sin #8: Toxic sex toys. Sex toys made before 2000 are likely to contain carcinogenic chemical plasticizers. Weiss recommends a new line of sex toys designed “with a small environmental footprint but a huge, ahem, impact.” Ahem, indeed, Ms. Weiss.

Sin #9: Tainted lube. 
Sad to say that most personal lubricants are chock full of nasty petroleum products. “Coming out after Earth Day 2010,” Weiss breathlessly reports, “is a new brand of lube called Intimate Ecology. This brilliant product from HERBOLOGIE contains yogurt bioferment, so say buh-bye to yeast infections, ladies.” Mmmmmmm. Yogurt bioferment. Talk dirty to us, Ms.Weiss.

Sin #10: Talking about toxins instead of talking dirty.
 Weiss actually ends her list with a fleeting moment of sanity when she advises you not to talk about your green obsession when you’re naked and your partner is ready. “Do all your research, DIY projects, and shopping beforehand so you can be totally spontaneous, like every good little eco-sexual should be.”

If all this talk about sustainable sex has you all hot and bothered, check out Weiss’ website, which is seductively named Eco-Sex.

One final note: The wife of IHateTheMedia.com’s editor says she is 100% behind this sustainable sex movement. She’s always wished my performance were a little more sustainable.

H/T: Andrew Bolt