Author: J.P. Travis

Okay, NOW we REALLY have it deciphered. Hillary Simpson for president?

IHTM called it! We said two years ago that CBS would probably promote the guy who told Obama to “go for the throat,” “pulverize,” “declare war on,” and “destroy” the GOP. As of yesterday he’s the new host of Face the Nation.

Embarrassing Freudian slip typo in Hillary’s presidential announcement:

“…she’s fought children and families all her career.”

Game changer in South Carolina shooting. Look at the photo. See the Taser wire? Turns out Walter Scott had wrestled Officer Slager’s Taser away from him, had shot the officer in the chest with it, and when he turned to run away the officer—Taser dart implanted in his chest—had to assume he could be incapacitated at any moment… all of which agrees with Officer Slager’s recorded statement.

Garry Trudeau blames Charlie Hebdo cartoonists for their own death… while accepting lifetime achievement award as cartoonist. We have a new frontrunner for the title of Biggest Liberal Asshole on Planet Earth.

Kim Jong-un was a child prodigy. Teachers in North Korea have been issued a new manual that says the dictator was driving at age 3 and winning yacht races at age 9. Fine, but could he stop the seas from rising and shoot rainbows out of his hand?

Science journalism: as bad as regular journalism. The Lancet just published a study saying obese people are 30% less likely to develop dementia—the journal Neurology just published a study saying obese people are four times more likely to develop dementia. Sounds like the scientists have dementia.

White House admits lying about the deal with Iran. Just as we all suspected, even crazy duplicitous Iranians are more trustworthy than Obama.

Don’t worry, Al Sharpton has a solution for police shootings. And coincidentally it’s the same thing Obama advocates: federalizing the nation’s police forces. What are the odds?

White House now has a gender neutral restroom. We think it’s fabulous that President Obama finally has a bathroom where he feels comfortable.

Some animals are more equal than others. A University of Wisconsin-Milwaukee TA is offering his students extra credit if they’re bisexual.

Good news for rest of us. Turkey’s Directorate of Religious Affairs issued a fatwa allowing Muslims to use toilet paper. You do not want to know what they’ve been doing prior to this (i.e., rule number 9).

Washington’s communist governor flies Red Chinese flag outside capitol. Patriots aided by state trooper promptly lower it.

Mindy’s brother got into med school by pretending to be African-American. The same undergraduate transcript that was considered too low for an Asian Indian-American had Ivy League universities recruiting him when they thought he was black.

Gay 2014 “Teacher of the Year” recognized by Obama has been fired. The president with the reverse-Midas touch strikes again.

Why not Reid too? The Holder Justice Dept. charged Obama-critic Menendez with corruption but Obama-sycophant Reid did exactly the same thing. Exactly. In fact, the quid-pro-quo money Menendez supposedly took went into a Super PAC controlled by Reid.

Amidst drought and water rationing, California city building $35 million water park. From a distance, it seems like everybody in that state is stark raving mad.

White House announces deal with Iran, Iran immediately calls them liars. This is like having Hitler and Satan try to sell you a snake: you know everybody is lying and you know you don’t want a snake but for some reason you keep listening.

You can never make peace with your mother-in-law. Stephen Woytack was decorating his mother-in-law’s grave Monday when her 400-pound tombstone fell on him and killed him.

Contact? Bursts of mathematically patterned radio waves from deep space have scientists placing odds of “5 in 10,000” that they are not artificially produced by an intelligent species.

Bald’s Leechbook. British researchers tested a 1,000-year-old Anglo Saxon recipe for a compound that fights infection and discovered it fights Staphylococcus aureus—also known as MRSA or golden staph—better than modern antibiotics.

Mystery solved for why MSNBC is still on the air. The economics of a network that nobody watches has long puzzled people. Now we have an answer.

Load of hot heir. On Friday, Prince Charles told Brits to turn off their lights to save energy, then on Monday he boarded his helicopter to go 80 miles so he could watch “sheep fence jumping.”

Iran nuclear talks deadline today: NO DEAL. Should be fun watching Kerry and the rest of the Obama administration spin this into a success.

Most of the money for the Ted Kennedy memorial came from you. The Edward M. Kennedy Institute was supposed to be paid for with private donations but private donors were uninspired so Congress passed a special $38 million earmark—$18 million of which came out of the defense budget—and the state of Massachusetts chipped in another $5 million. Even when he’s dead this crook manages to rape us.