Author: J.P. Travis

Mayor de Blasio banned from holding groundhogs. Apparently, at last year’s Groundhog Day ceremony, the clumsy oaf dropped Staten Island Chuck’s BFF and the giant rodent died (the groundhog, not the mayor). So Chuck, like New York’s cops, is turning his back on the mayor.

Tragic unintended irony. The reservoir dogs trying to instill terror in the heart of France for the sake of Islam, probably didn’t know the cop they executed in the street yesterday was a Muslim. Oops.

NPR worried about Ebola ruining prostitution in Sierra Leone. It’s the oldest story in the world—hemorrhagic fever wrecking small businesswomen’s livelihood—and NPR has it covered.

UK to allow three-parent children. The age of genetically modified designer children is about to begin.

The Cairo speech Obama was too cowardly to give. From Egyptian President Abdel Fattah al-Sisi on New Year’s Day:

“Is it possible that 1.6 billion people [Muslims] should want to kill the rest of the world’s inhabitants—that is 7 billion—so that they themselves may live? Impossible!”

“It’s inconceivable that the thinking that we hold most sacred should cause the entire Islamic world to be a source of anxiety, danger, killing and destruction for the rest of the world. Impossible!”

“I say and repeat again that we are in need of a religious revolution. You, imams, are responsible before Allah. The entire world, I say it again, the entire world is waiting for your next move… because this umma is being torn, it is being destroyed, it is being lost—and it is being lost by our own hands.”

Will the mainstream media even notice this speech?

Now that Harry Reid is not in control, liberals want Senate abolished. Oddly, they never said a word about this before.

Wikipedia removes all mention of Neil deGrasse Tyson’s quote fabrication. Yet another example showing why the information at Wikipedia cannot be trusted.

Federal government now buys sex change surgery for seniors. Denee Mallon, age 74, who says he’s much happier now, has been surgically modified at taxpayer expense to resemble a woman because when he challenged Medicare’s ban on such surgery, the Obama administration chose not to defend it.

MSNBC’s Al Sharpton asks viewers what they consider “3 top events/news stories of 2014.” Our favorite response:

Obamacare will cover your abortion but not your baby. The Obamacare website still doesn’t have a way for policy holders to add a new baby to their coverage. They “postponed” that feature because so much other shit wasn’t working.

China cracks down on government corruption, Macau casinos suddenly empty. Casino revenue in Macau fell more than 30% in December.

San Francisco’s interactive poop map shows where homeless hang out. And when we say “hang out,” we mean it. The map is based on calls to the police department reporting human excrement on public roads and sidewalks.

Barack and Michelle’s “let them eat cake” new year celebration meal. They dined at Vintage Cave Honolulu, where it costs $500,000 for a charter membership and a basic meal for two runs about $1,000. We assume the restaurant doesn’t serve any of those yucky school lunches Michelle foisted on America’s children.

Harper Collins published an atlas of the Middle East that omits Israel. They defend themselves by saying, “Hey, that’s what our customers wanted.”

Lena Dunham’s Republican rapist not Republican (and probably not a rapist). Turns out her original book proposal told the same rape story with Philip Samuel Ungar, liberal son of an NPR All Things Considered host, as the rapist. (In Mr. Ungar’s defense, there’s no real world evidence that he ever wanted to see her naked, either.)

Global sea ice breaks record high for day. This is how ice ages sneak up on you. First the sea ice slowly covers more of the ocean, then the temperatures start sinking because the ice reflects the sun, then the glaciers start creeping down from the mountain tops… before you know it you’re wearing four pairs of long underwear, eating whale blubber, and there’s a wooly mammoth chasing your Toyota Prius down the street.

Animal rights activists free hippo from circus, hippo gets hit by car, hippo dies. It’s easy to feel bad for the hippo but at least he was free for a couple minutes. How would you like to be the car owner trying to explain this to your insurance company?

Obama announces end of “our combat mission in Afghanistan.” Although 9,800 troops will remain in the country “to conduct counterterrorism operations.” Say what? Apparently the president has re-defined the word “combat”—maybe he sent a memo to Webster’s.

House Majority Whip admits addressing white supremacist group. The way establishment Republicans in the House have pissed away their historic landslide election victory in less than two months is truly amazing. As Winston Churchill would say: “If the Republican Party last for a thousand years, men will still say, ‘This was their stupidest hour.'”

Maryland’s first female Episcopal bishop involved in hit-and-run death of bicyclist. She fled the scene after hitting the poor guy, was chased by another bicyclist, then, no doubt realizing she was caught, returned to the scene 20 minutes later. Meanwhile, the guy she hit was suffering and dying in the street.

Pope Francis to issue edict about Global Warming. Apparently the Pope has decided to ignore the Lord’s proscription on worshipping false idols.

NBC investigates the meaning of Christmas. Unbelievably (and insultingly), the network creates a three-minute-long video that never mentions the birth of Jesus.

Democrats accidentally create hilarious parody. Our favorite comment: “6 times speaking the truth in your lifetime isn’t much to brag about, but I’m sure it beats Obama’s number.”

Los Angeles Kwanzaa parade cancelled after ten minutes for lack of interest. Just because you celebrate a fictional holiday doesn’t mean other people have to be stupid, too.

Merry Christmas to all. God bless each and every visitor to IHTM—even the liberals—and may everyone have a joyful Christmas filled by the Holy Spirit running rampant through the land.