IHateTheMedia.com presents this exclusive, pre-release excerpt from the eagerly awaited, unauthorized biography of President Obama.
It had been a long day, and it was only mid-afternoon.
Barack settled into the chair behind his desk and slowly exhaled. He was finally alone in the Oval Office, all by himself, with no hangers-on, nothing to sign, no meetings to attend. With luck, he might have a few minutes just to himself. He actually started to relax just a bit.
There was a knock at the door, it opened, and a voice said, “Hey, B! How’s it hangin’?” And Joe Biden walked in.
Oh, God, thought Barack, it’s Ramblin’ Joe. Mentally, he steeled himself against the inevitable, smiled, and said, “Hi, Joe. How’s your day going?”
Without being invited, Joe plopped himself down in a chair facing the Presidential desk. His hair implants were bothering him, and he’d had a tough morning attempting, with no luck, to charm several gaggles of White House reporters.
“Oh, you know, the usual bullshit. Trying to look presidential and all that, even in the face of some people’s overwhelming stupidity. You know what that’s like.”
Barack looked at Joe for a moment, then said, “Yes, Joe, I know exactly what that’s like.”
“Hey, B,” Joe said, “I heard that you were thinking about repealing the ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ rule for the armed forces. Is that true?”
“Yes, Joe, it is. I think it’s time for gay people to serve openly and not feel ashamed of their sexual orientation,” Barack responded.
“You do? Really? But we’re talking about rump rangers here!”
Barack sighed. “Joe, please. They have alternative life styles.”
Joe looked stunned. He appeared to be trying to gather his thoughts, which must have seemed slightly beyond his reach. “Well, maybe you’re right,” he said grudgingly. “Reminds me of when W was going for re-election, though. He didn’t care about an energy policy, the wars, unemployment, nothing. All he cared about was colon cowboys! He seemed to think that if we could just get rid of all the gay banditos, everything else would be just fine. Sharp as a tack, that one,” he added in an attempt at sarcasm. Just then, a stray thought from space penetrated his abnormally dense cranium. “And just as flat-headed!” he guffawed. “Can you imagine dealing with someone like that?”
Barack gave it a beat, then replied, “Yes, Joe. Yes, I can.”
In a losing attempt at explanation, Barack said, “Joe, gay people have just as much to offer our country as do heterosexuals. And many want to serve in the armed forces. It’s their right as Americans, and every American should have equal rights under the law.”
“Except sausage jockeys,” muttered Joe.
“What was that, Joe? I didn’t quite hear you,” said Barack.
“Except homosexuals,” amended Joe, thinking his language was perhaps ill-chosen.
Barack slowly lowered his forehead into the crook of his hand between thumb and forefinger. Then he looked up and said quietly, “Will there be anything else, Joe?”
Joe rose to leave. “No, that was it, B. Gotta go. By the way, I’m working on some great Palin jokes for one of your next press conferences. Want to hear one?”
“Not right now, Joe. Maybe later.” Maybe never, if there really is a Deity.
“Just as well,” he answered. “I haven’t gotten any of the punch lines worked out. I’ll let you know when I do. You’ll be the first!” Joe left and closed the door.
Barack leaned back and exhaled once again. He gazed about the office, as portraits of past Presidents looked back at him in mute consideration.
He closed his eyes and thought about what he’d really like to be doing at this very moment. If he could momentarily shed this crushing mantle of responsibility that mandated his sitting on this throne in this chair.
God, he thought, I’d kill for a cigarette.
IHateTheMedia.com brings you another exclusive excerpt from the unreleased new Obama bio every day this week. Tomorrow’s excerpt will be Chapter VI: “L’Affaire McChrystal.”
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This post was last modified on January 18, 2011
View Comments (9)
I heard that B had made an agreement with the lbgt crowd about this, but decided not to mention it when Joe kept on referring to it as a "fudge pact".
Lol, this is gold!
Dont' get me wrong -- I can't stand Obama and don't know if the country can survive another two years of the idiot. But, seriously -- How can anyone believe what is written here? It has no ring of truth whatever. Does he really call Biden all those silly names? Does Biden really say all those gross things? And then he gives us Obama's thoughts? This is not biography, this is fiction. And badly written fiction at that. Guess I'm just disappointed that there isn't any "there" here.
Nancita, I think you may be missing the entire point. And due to my sincere belief that you would still not understand, even if walked through it step by step, I prefer to leave you dangling, appalled, and having no understanding of the post. Please, by all means, continue posting. Those of us who understand humor are having a good laugh.
Is this a joke? This is pitiful. 100% unbelievable. I was hoping for something solid -- some inside information, some eye-witness reporting. Man, what a disappointment. Utterly lame.
No joke Nancita, you just stumbled upon the other side of the looking glass. How did you guys get the mic in the Oval office?
Hysterical! Colon Cowboys.. LOL!!!
Okay. I'll bite. What happened to Chapters 1 and 2? Are we starting with "on the third day he rose......?"
I think it's supposed to be like the Star Wars movies, where they start on a later chapter and then go backwards. Unfortunately, this also means the chapters to come later are going to have really corny dialogue and probably have a CGI character in them that everyone hates.