Author: A. Smithee

Hundreds of plants, animals up for new protections. Economic melt down, high unemployment, distrust of government – this calls for more protected land! You can hear the conversation now: “How do we push this damn green thing even more?” “Hey Bob, go out and find some damn rats or fish where people might think about drilling for oil.” One rare species left off the list? Politicius Commonsensium.

Full bladders, wasabi alarm earn Ig Nobels. The amazing study proving that having to pee really really bad can reduce your attention span, won the Nobel Prize. Other prizes went to a fire alarm that smells like wasabi, research into why people ‘sigh’, and a study of the bad math that failed to predict the end of the world. The next winner should be the person who predicts the end of the Nobel Prize.

Kings County shrink claimed to work 141 hours in one week. Yup. $515,700 in overtime taxpayer money. Anyone who doesn’t catch this kind of fraud ought to have their head examined. But don’t worry, comrade. He paid back $21,600 of it, so it’s all squared away.

Obama calls his wife “Michael”. This may explain many, many things…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cgk732vfGQ&feature=player_embedded

Wall St. protestors shut down Brooklyn Bridge. One irate driver, a Ground Zero construction worker, blasted the pedestrians. “I work my ass off all day, and these g**damned hippies close down the Brooklyn Bridge so I can’t get home?” he said. “This ain’t right!” Embattled Congressman Charlie Rangel tried to lend his support was chased away by a heckler. Sometimes the news is fun.

The hardship of not having your mum around to make your bed and bring you cookies and milk.

Company will load loved ones’ ashes into ammunition. You had to see this one coming… now you can have a “Shotgun Funeral”. Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust, I hope they left me the shotgun when they drew up their trust.

Obama’s former campaign funders on Wall Street turn against him. Romney raised $4.9 million before June 30 of this year, nearly twice what Obama gathered. Huh? You mean those evil rich guys aren’t funding your campaign? Too bad most of your supporters don’t pay taxes, they could have checked that $3 for the Presidential campaign box…

GEORGIA SCHOOL PROMOTES POLYGAMY IN ISLAM. “Islam liberated women over 1400 years ago” – they just forgot to tell them. And by “liberate” they mean the freedom to do anything they want – at the risk of stoning or beheading, of course.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=LifIG6C4Dgk

‘I am a girl’: The plight of Tammy, the adopted son of two lesbians who started sex change aged 8 because he has always maintained he is a girl. It’s always nice to post a story with a happy ending, unless, of course, at age 12 he decides he really DOES want to be a boy. Not to worry, I’m sure (s)he’ll be a well-adjusted citizen of… wait for it… Berkeley, California.

Chris Christie. His Question & Answer period after Reagan Library speech. Hard for anyone to deny the logic of this man’s views. We need more common sense and less communism.

Republican presidential hopeful Rick Perry shares a few poignant thoughts via some very Bad Lip Reading.

Thousands Line Up In Philadelphia For Food Stamps. Please note the prominence of the Free Obama Phones! Oh, and Gucci purses.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pezJsSkON7Y

Creator of Bye Bye Mosque Game Faces up to 2 Years in Prison. Personally, a “Shoot a Missile up Mohammad’s Butt” sounds like a better game… but we’re not allowed to even say that. And our apologies to the actual Mohammad Butt.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uYq15OjSWic&feature=player_embedded#!

Obama. The AntiChrist. We’re not sure about AntiChrist, but Anti-Christ sounds about right. In fact, he’s the hyphenated President – Anti-jobs, Anti-economy, Anti-common sense, Anti-business, Anti-freedom, Anti-quated.

Too hot for politics? Canadian MP at centre of Photoshopping controversy after cleavage is mysteriously retouched. She should have seen the Uni-Boob surgeon and saved all that photoshop work!

Woman left with ‘uniboob’ after botched surgery leaves her breasts joined together. That is ONE nice puppy!

U.S. Hikers Leave Iran Prison Fitter With Sean Penn to Thank. Ladies and Gentlemen, we are truly blessed. Introducing the NEW Sean Penn Diet! It’s simple if you follow these easy rules. 1. Innocently get caught within the poorly marked border of Iran – Easy! 2. Get ready for the real weight loss as you’re starved and kept in a dark basement – sure you might get rickets from the lack of vitamin D, but think of how you’ll look in that new SPEEDO! WOW! and 3. Hope to hell you get out alive! But hey, that’s the fun right? This is where you learn to workout with water bottles and make shoe laces out of your blindfolds. Aw, thanks Sean!!

Saudi king allows women to vote in local elections. Unfortuantely, there are a few conditions: 1. They must be allowed to actually leave their home. 2. Once allowed to leave, they still cannot drive. 3. They can’t run for office. 4. If the voting booth is on the male side of the street, they’re SOL. But other than that, Let Freedom Ring!

The Last of the Pork-Gobblers. That’s what the last 3 German children are called by the rest of the muslim majority in their German elementary school of 313 students. The parents of 285 of them are financially supported by the state. There is a serious rise in violence on non-muslim students AND teachers. Coming to a school near you?? The following subtitled video is just a taste (contains some violence).

Mayor Emanuel: Crack down on absentee abuse in sanitation crews. Apparently, 33% of the sanitation employees don’t even show up for work. Yeah, sure they don’t really have to since they’re union workers, but this has led to an increase in… rats in Chicago.

Obama rolling back Bush-era education law. It just isn’t ‘fair’ to make kids actually prove they learned something! That would be, uh, like, having to grade a President’s performance. What’s good for the goose…

Twin Towers made of Korans: Artists spread message of peace using Islam holy books. One of the verses on that yellow tape? Qur’an 8:59: “The infidels should not think that they can get away from us. Prepare against them whatever arms and weaponry you can muster so that you may terrorize them.” More of the verses here.

Dems face woes after campaign treasurer’s arrest. Officials are unsure what Kinde Durkee did with the $700,000, but they’re pretty damn certain it wasn’t spent on personal grooming.

Long-Lost Moon Rock Turns Up In Clinton Papers. “A long-lost, highly valuable Moon rock brought back from the Apollo 17 mission has turned up in the files of Bill Clinton.” The timeless Bill Clinton response, “Uh, how did THAT get in THERE!?”

I’m Warren Buffett’s Secretary. It’s amazing people still fall for this kind of advertising. But then again, all it took was a four letter word to get them to vote for a nincompoop. Let’s hope it doesn’t happen again…