Author: Bonfire of the Absurdities

Independent review panel declares California high-speed rail project “not financially feasible.” So what’s Gov. Moonbeam’s reaction to this? Just what you’d expect: “la, la, la, la, I can’t hear you, la, la, la, la…”

Woman sues dead teen whose severed body parts struck her after he was killed by speeding train. The train that hit the decedant was only doing 70 mph – we foresee a boon to the lawsuit industry if hi-speed rail ever becomes a reality.

Former President Jimmy Carter has some advice for Barack Obama as he gears up for the 2012 election: Don’t alienate voters with controversial positions. Jimmy, try and follow this: the ship is well out to sea, the bridges are smoking cinders and the horse is too far away to even sense your cluelessness as you close the barn door.

Rep. Hank Johnson (D-GA) revives his “Guam could tip over” claim after a mag 5.2 earthquake struck the island. But Congressman Gilligan’s spokesman claims the tweet was “just a joke.” Yeah, right.

Too late for Christmas (thankfully) – the Barack Obama personal hot air machine. Barack Obama renders wind redundant. But frankly, we’d be more inclined to take him seriously if he’d said “I will not golf….”

Rep. John Dingell (D-MI): “(Mitt) Romney is the only fellow in the US who appears to think that the Volt is an idea whose time has not come. Clearly it has not come to him. The Volt is selling like hotcakes.” We agree. The Volt is clearly selling like hotcakes that cost 40 grand apiece and burst into flames unexpectedly.

Has a major party ever had a weaker field of presidential candidates than the 2012 GOP in a year when its prospects for victory seemed so great? Michael Barone says, “Yeah, the 1932 Democrats!” He makes the case that Obama is the new Herbert Hoover rather than the new FDR. Well, not totally: Hoover played volleyball with a medicine ball. Let’s see King Putt try that one.

Debbie Does Des Moines – Politico’s livestream Iowa caucus coverage features Debbie Wassamatterwityourepublicans Schultz. Politico’s braintrust has got a fever, and the only prescription is more cowbell!”

Egyptian party’s deputy leader tells Arabic paper “al-Hayat” that they won’t negotiate with Israel, will seek to cancel 1979 peace treaty. The 1979 Egyptian-Israeli peace treaty brokered by then-president Jimmy Carter was one of his administration’s few accomplishments. Now, it may be blown up thanks to one of Barack Obama’s foreign policy “accomplishments.” Good job, Barry, take another vacation to celebrate.

Probe reveals feds pressuring agents to rush immigrant visas – even if fraud is feared. High-ranking USCIS officials said the pressure has heightened after the Obama administration appointed Alejandro Mayorkas as director in August 2009 during an effort to pass comprehensive immigration reform, bringing with him a mantra of “get to yes.” In other words, “Vote Obama or we’ll find someone who will!”

Haim Saban, an Egyptian-born Israeli-American and chairman of the Hispanic television station Univision, says Sen. Marco Rubio (R-FL) is “anti-hispanic.” Apparently because Rubio opposes the DREAM Act and “amnesty”. Just like raaaaacism, being “anti-hispanic” now is about whether one sucks up to the Democrat agenda or not.

NY Times increases daily price from $2 to $2.50. A 25% increase. It’s justified – nowadays the 1% no longer can dispose of excess cash by lighting cigars with it.

Rachel Madcow: Fox News is all about electing Republicans but MSNBC has no political objective! Guess she forgot about the coffee klatch she and fellow useful idiot Ed Schultz had with the Duffer-In-Chief recently. And the tingling down Matthews’ pants leg is pee, right?

That’s no tunnel, the NY Times’ nose is in the air: “[Opponents] want to know why we’re up here drilling. I say, because you like to heat your home.” The NY Times ventures out to PA fracking country to sneer at folks who like crystal necklaces and fake fur, but those people are making lotsa money producing stuff the country needs, which is more than we can say about the NY Times.

Columbia University offers “Occupy 101.” Or, why did a bunch of fools with useless college degrees and mountains of student loan debt poop in the streets and camp out in parks? Well, how about taking a useless college course and adding to your student loan debt in order to poop in the street and camp out in a park and find out?

EEOC: requiring high school diploma from job applicants might violate Americans with Disabilities Act. Your federal gubbermint is always busy thinking up ways to convince US businesses to go overseas.

North Korea tells its people to protect Kim Jong-un as “human shields” in New Year message. They tell us psycho junior is “working to solve the ‘burning issue’ of food shortages by upholding the policies of his late father, Kim Jong-il” (whose policies are the reason for the food shortages.) Not that you would know there are food shortages in utopia from looking at Kim Young-un, probably the only potential Weight Watchers customer in the whole country.

“Meet the Press” moderator David Gregory defends pal Obama against Santorum appeasement charge. David Gregory ain’t biased… he hates everybody who ain’t Barack Obama equally.

The parking space, assessed at nearly $300,000, is attached to his condo with an amazing view of downtown Pittsburgh just upstairs. The newly assessed value of his condo is less than $230,000. Well, cities have gotta get the dough to make good on those pensions from somewhere. In post-Obama America, parking will be a luxury. Transformative!

Christopher Dodd, Sen. Lieberman’s former colleague, left office a pariah, statewide and countrywide, but quickly landed on his feet by becoming chairman and CEO of the Motion Picture Association of America. The Sweetheart of Countrywide, part of that large segment of the one percent OWS didn’t see fit to harass.

Norman Lear: The Occupy Wall Street movement has unleashed patriotic outrage or something. Still bloviating after all these years – the meathead who gave the world “meathead” decides pooping in the streets is the highest form of patriotism. Somehow, he fails to notice the Wall St. bankers he hates are big supporters of his Democrat pals, and like any good egomaniac manages to spend a few paragraphs talking about his favorite subject: himself.

Cocaine found on nine out of 10 public baby changing tables in UK. Ummm, poop and pee mixed with cocaine… and no telling what the dealer might have put in it. Oh, and congratulations are in order: the UK has now been named “cocaine capital of Europe.”

The Obama Admin picked a Brazilian company with Iranian ties over an American outfit to produce a new military light attack aircraft. Now the Kansas company is going to court to find out why. Having a company controlled by the Brazillian govt and with connections to Iran produce US military equipment? What’re they, stupid? Well, that may be the best case scenario.

Occupy Wall Street: The Lego Set. Wonder if Elizabeth Warren is getting royalties.

Where’s Waldo Keith? Has Olbermann already worn out his welcome with Al Gore’s Current TV? The NY Times said KO will be conspicuously missing from Current TV’s upcoming election coverage. Apparently the network didn’t even bother to tell Keith his show is being pre-empted Tuesday by its Iowa caucus specials. Sounds like he’s gone from Murrow to burrow.