Author: Bonfire of the Absurdities

Suzanne Basham dialed police in Springfield, Missouri to report that she had paid $40 for crack cocaine that turned out to be sugar. Forty bucks? What a rip-off. Most crack dealers only charge $30 for sugar.

Six Iranians were rescued from an Iranian cargo ship, fed halal meals in accordance with Islamic law, and later taken to shore by American Coast Guard patrol boat in the north Persian Gulf. Second rescue of Iranians in two weeks. In the meantime, the Iranians sentence an American ex-Marine to death for “spying.” You’re welcome.

Montana farmers file a class action suit against Jon Corzine, charging that MF Global stole millions from their accounts to pay off its spiraling debts… Plaintiffs’ attorney says that if the farmers lose their money and crops are affected, consumers will feel it at the grocery store. Hey, Corzine’s doing for food what Obama did for energy!

Obama’s NEW Chief of Staff Jack Lew is a former Citigroup hedge fund exec who made money off mortgage defaults. Lew’s Citibank division made billions betting “U.S. homeowners would not be able to make their mortgage payments.” Not to mention a big bonus after the taxpayers rescued his bank. The optics here are not so good. Good thing the MSM has its “See no Obama evil” dark glasses on. Occupy WHAT street?????

According to new research, the next ice age could set in any time this millennium were it not for increases in anthropogenic CO2 emissions that are preventing such a global disaster from occurring. Al Gore and Prince Chuckles warn either we stop emitting as much CO2 as they do or we won’t freeze to death.

When a poll asked which potential 2012 news event is most feared, Obama’s reelection finished 1st with 33%. Obama losing finished tied for 3rd with 16%. Other answers: Taxes will increase – 31%, Iran will get a nuclear weapon – 16%, North Korea will attack South Korea – 4%. Frankly, number 2, 3b and 5 are all consequences of number 1, so that score should be 84%.

Gwinnett Cty (GA) 3rd-grade math word problems involve slavery. To wit: “Each tree had 56 oranges. If eight slaves pick them equally, then how much would each slave pick?” The work of a hardcore retrograde fascist, over-the-top progressive or someone with a very very odd creative style? No matter, it’s a gubbermint school so you pay for it regardless.

Are you zeroing in on a target or are you just happy to see me? Your NoKo comedy relief of the day, courtesy of Kim Young-un.

White House threw secret “Alice in Wonderland” bash during recession. A new book revealed the Obamunists threw a lavish 2009 Halloween party staged by Hollywood one-percenters, but kept it secret due to “bad optics.” Now we know why the LAT decided to fabricate that “Moochelle-as-Marie-Antoinette parody is raaaaacist” bullshit, don’t we? The best defense is a “You’re a raaaaacist!” offense.

The Chump Effect – the eagerness of laymen and journalists to swallow whole the claims made by social scientists. Entire journalistic enterprises, whole books from cover to cover, would simply collapse into dust if even a smidgen of skepticism were summoned whenever we read that “scientists say” or “a new study finds” or “research shows” or “data suggest.” You can throw “climate science” into that dung pile also.

Maldivian President Mohamed Nasheed is considering Australia as a possible new home if the achipelago disappears beneath rising seas. Why not Al Gore’s house? It’s big enough. BTW, Preacher William Miller was sure the world was going to end October 22, 1844 – an obviously wrong prediction. But that was religion, the Maldavian Obama is talking about settled science….

LA Times: satirical image of Michelle Obama based on Versailles painting is raaaaacist!. The LA Times, in panic mode, plays the highest race card in its apparently crappy hand. Turns out to be a joker. Pathetic.

President Barack Obama broke bread Friday with four winners of a contest for people who give to his campaign in small amounts. “Yeah, me an’ Michelle are havin’ grub with some penny-ante small donors: Chuck Wagon, Ann Onymous and Dick Hertz. Just ignore those guys from Goldman Sachs and the UAW behind the curtain, folks.”

That’s not a basketball, it’s a winning Illinois State Lottery check he’s dribbling! Yep, hard to believe but 85 Illinois Lottery winners’ checks bounced. “Not bounced … returned,” says Mike Lang, spokesman for the Illinois Lottery. Yeah, less filling, tastes great, whatever.

Microsoft patents “avoid ghetto” feature for GPS devices. Microsoft’s patent states that a route can be plotted for pedestrians to avoid an “unsafe neighborhood or being in an open area that is subject to harsh temperatures.” The monkey-feces media attached the term “avoid ghetto” to the device – are they suggesting the only unsafe neighborhoods are “ghettos”? Too bad there ain’t an app for “avoid drooling media idiots.”

Need a job? Surprise, the gubbermint is hiring! Why not become an “Invitations Coordinator” for the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau at 103k a year! What does an “invitations coordinator” do? Probably invites money to jump into politicians’ pockets. But it’s not as hazardous as being a Chevy Volt Fire Story Suppressor or a Fast n’ Furious Excuse Fabricator at the DOJ.

DOJ steers Countrywide settlement cash to Leftist groups with Dem ties. DOJ recently “settled” a “discrimination” complaint with Countrywide Financial Corp. (now part of Bank of America) for $335 million and a chunk of the money won’t go to the “victims” but rather leftist groups not connected to the lawsuit. Hey, if the raaaaacist Republicans won’t fund ACORN, former Sen. Chris Dodd’s favorite mortgage lender will!

Lawsuit says Skokie Ill. teachers made 6-yr-old boy with broken leg and concussion crawl across playground after falling on ice. If it’s true, these people should not be allowed anywhere near kids; dogs maybe… rabid ones.

Everything you always wanted to know about North Korea – but you had more important things to do (like scratching your butt) so you didn’t ask. The official NoKo FAQ. Short version: NoKo is utopia, whatever you heard about them is wrong (unless it’s good stuff) and everything is fine there but if it weren’t, it’s the US’s fault. And BTW, it’s not a one-party dictatorship, it’s just that all the voters are crazy about the same guy. Just like here.

Students laugh when Obama tells them “You inspire me”. Probably nervous laughter – they’re worried folks will blame them for giving this bozo the idea to run for the office: “Hey, he said you kids inspired him! What the hell didja go an’ do that for?????”

Hey, besides being unconstitutional, Obama’s CFPB recess appointment is meaningless! “The Dodd-Frank Act is very clear, even a law professor can probably understand this section, that authorities under the Act remain with the Treasury Secretary until the Director is ‘confirmed by the Senate’. A recess appointment is not a Senate confirmation.” So either he’s really stupid or he’s just fabricating another campaign issue. Or both.

Young Mother Defends Self and Baby, Kills Intruder. ABC saw fit to throw in “pistol-packin’ mama” jibes and a gratuitous Dirty Harry reference, but it sounds to us like she showed calm and restraint and only killed because she was presented with no other choice. Vaya con dios, amigo. We salute your bravery.

Obama’s DOJ last year told Chief Justice John Roberts “the [congressional] recess has to be longer than 3 days” to allow the president to make a recess appointment. So according to what his Dep. Solicitor Gen. Neal Katyal argued last year, what the president has just done is illegal. But, as Nixon once told David Frost, “If the president does it, that means it’s not illegal.’’ Hey, Obama’s the new Nixon – Hillary oughta love that!

France to increase Value Added Tax – to “protect” jobs. Sarkozy wants to lower costs for French companies to slow the rate at they’re sending jobs elsewhere, and raise consumer taxes to make up the lost revenue! But won’t less money in consumer pockets mean fewer sales for businesses, higher wage demands and hence, more pressure on jobs? [Insert chirping crickets here.]

Fed says expand Fannie, Freddie role to aid housing. What was the line… something about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. What could go wrong? Same things as last time, only with a bigger “boom!”