Author: J.P. Travis

Parents at progressive school in a panic. At the Blue School, a $32,000-per-year private charter school in Manhattan founded by the Blue Man Group, where kids of progressive parents can decide their own curriculum and their own daily attendance schedule, parents are in a lather because their kids aren’t learning to read. Gee, who would’ve guessed that would happen?

Guess who’s been overspending. The Nobel Foundation, which awarded Peace Prizes to Al Gore and Barack Obama and an Economics Prize to Paul Krugman, has been running a deficit for ten years. Now the prizes will have to be cut 20%. Put that in your Keynesian crack pipe and smoke it you leftwing Scandanavian wankers.

Krugman speaks, nobody listens. The NY Times columnist was scheduled to speak at Netroots 2012 in San Jose on Saturday… but apparently even progressives don’t listen to the guy anymore. The room was empty.

HBO’s new season of True Blood will target conservatives. HBO targeting conservatives is nothing new, but this time the network is portraying conservatives as vampire theocrats who want to farm humans for their blood. Starting tomorrow. In an odd coincidence, President Obama recently debuted a new campaign ad that called Romney a vampire. Shortly before that, Obama was calling for a “new era of civility in politics.”

Today is World Naked Bike Day in San Francisco. Liberals never run out of stupid ideas and bicycling naked in one of the coldest cities on the planet is a perfect example. One thing for sure: there will be some nasty bicycle seats by the end of the day.

Obama, super fundraiser. President Obama has now held 150 fundraisers for his re-election, which is more than the previous five presidents combined. And we still have five months until the election.

Head of CBS admits to partisanship. First, Les Moonves admitted that “…partisanship is very much a part of journalism now.” To which we reply, “No shit, Sherlock, if by ‘now’ you mean the whole history of CBS.” Then he said, “I run a news division. I’ve given no money to any candidate,” while standing in line for Obama’s $25,000-per-head Beverly Hills fundraiser.

Obama jokes about oral sex to gay backers. (No puns about the word “backers,” okay?) It’s not just that our president was heedless of any danger to his own dignity – the joke he told was about his wife. This guy is either the Rodney Dangerfield of presidents (no respect) or the Henny Youngman of presidents. (“Take my wife—please.”)

Obama makes Thunderbirds wait so he can attend fundraiser. Class, all class. After giving a commencement speech to Air Force Academy graduates, the president made the Thunderbirds stop their show midstream so he could leave and get to a Denver fundraiser. God knows how much fuel it wasted having F-16s buzzing around aimlessly for a half hour.

Seat belt law for cats! Just when you thought those East Coast whackos and their police states couldn’t get any weirder…

The chart that proves Obama is not a budget cutter. The president is traveling around the country claiming to be fiscally responsible – that’s his new campaign theme – but this chart proves that he’s the most irresponsible president in history. By a wide margin.

Navy counting on new stealth ship. At $3 billion per ship it’s a hard sell in Congress, but the U.S. Navy is hoping its fancy new boat can sneak up on China and shoot electromagnetic “railguns” at them. Don’t we already have a fleet of stealth ships… called “submarines?”

Death during threesome nets $3 million. Who says the American tort system doesn’t work? Not the lawyers, that’s for sure! This man complained of chest pains, visited a cardiologist, was scheduled for tests 8 days later, but decided to participate in a threesome in the meantime… and died during sex. Clearly, this was the doctor’s fault.

Illinois fails at pension reform… but approves guide horses for Muslims. As the state slides toward bankruptcy because of out-of-control public pensions, it’s nice that lawmakers found the time to cater to a tiny religious minority stuck in a 7th-century time warp where dogs are considered unclean but horses are welcome inside.

Desperate investment bank entertains novel suggestion. How bad is the worldwide financial crisis? Japanese investment bank Nomura, its share price languishing, might replace company sit-down toilets with Japanese-style toilets… which require squatting. “The company can surely avoid failure if they straddle over a Japanese-style toilet every day and strengthen their lower body,” says one shareholder. Hey, it’s a better idea than anything Barack Obama has suggested.

DC Comics decides Green Lantern is gay. Remember when comic books were just comic books? When a boy could read his comic and dream about being a hero? And a girl could decide whether she wanted to be Betty or Veronica? No political agenda being shoved down your throat? Those days are gone. Comics are part of the liberal spin machine now.

According to the CBO, Obama’s stimulus may have cost $4.1 million per job. Sure, that sounds expensive but hey, the good news is that all that stimulus money raised from the blood and sweat of hardworking Americans increased GDP by at least 0.1 percent, and lowered unemployment by at least 0.1 percent. Whoopee!

Take this, Elizabeth Warren! Warren bragged about nursing during her bar exams, but how about these two soldiers nursing in uniform? And one of them has twins! The only question is, with all the strict rules about what you can and cannot do in a uniform of the United States military, how is that bureaucrats forgot to say, “You may not whip out a breast and feed an infant while sitting on a park bench wearing your uniform?”

North Carolina orders blogger to stop giving dietary advice. According to the state, you can’t talk about diet unless you’re a licensed dietitian. Yes, it sounds tyrannical and yes, it sounds like a violation of free speech rights, but wait: turns out there’s a bright side! This means that Michelle Obama is a criminal and can be arrested at the Democrat National Convention in Charlotte in September.

Michelle Obama sponsors a submarine. What does that mean? According to Secretary of the Navy Ray Mabus, “Naval tradition holds that a sponsor’s spirit and presence guide the ship and her crew throughout the life of the ship.” So the food on the USS Illinois is going to suck.

Oh great, now he’s pissed off the Poles. While awarding a posthumous Medal of Freedom to Polish professor Jan Karski, a hero of the anti-Nazi resistance, President Obama referred to “Polish death camps.” The Poles are understandably miffed and many of them are wondering how the president got through college without reading a history book. We’ve been wondering the same thing, Poland, trust us.

U.N. appoints dictator thug Robert Mugabe as ambassador for tourism. Never mind that his ethnic cleansing, rigged elections, terrorising of his own citizens, and destruction of Zimbabwe’s economy resulted in international sanctions which prevent him from traveling to other countries. Never mind that. The U.N. thinks he has hidden talents in the field of tourism.

MSNBC host doesn’t like calling fallen military “heroes.” Chris Hayes, intellectualizing on the topic of military casualties this morning: “I think it’s interesting because I think it is very difficult to talk about the war dead and the fallen without invoking valor, without invoking the words ‘heroes.’ Um, and, ah, ah, why do I feel so comfortable [sic] about the word ‘hero?’ I feel comfortable, ah, uncomfortable, about the word because it seems to me that it is so rhetorically proximate to justifications for more war.”

Paul Krugman has another brilliant idea. He wants more government spending SO BAD, he’s asking scientists to fake an invasion by space aliens and then tell the government we need high speed rail to defend ourselves. To you and me it sounds stupid, but to Norwegians and Swedes it probably sounds like another Nobel Prize for Krugman.

Maybe the greatest American hero of all time dies. Meet Eugene Polley, who invented the TV remote control back in 1955. He died of natural causes on Sunday, at age 96. Here’s to you, Eugene. All men salute you, and especially those of us who like to watch two NFL games at the same time.