Author: J.P. Travis

Ass rape sparks riot in Yemen. A donkey mounted an ass and the two owners came from different tribes, so everybody started killing each other. (Naturally.) Two questions occur. One, why are Muslims so ass-backward all the time? And two, what’s the difference between an ass and a donkey?

Former CNN exec still spreading crap. Bob Furnad, executive at CNN and CNN Headline News from 1984-2001, was caught on video depositing his dog’s poop in his neighbors’ mailbox. No word on whether he raised the flag signifying “Pickup” or left it down signifying “Delivery.”

Mark Zuckerberg has good timing. He married Priscilla Chan on Saturday, one day after Facebook went public and made him a 19-billionaire. California being a community property state, if he married her one day earlier it would cost him $9.5 billion to divorce her. Good move financially, Mark, but you better sleep with one eye open… she looks a wee bit miffed.

Bill Maher wishes he had a son who acted like Trayvon Martin. “I just want to say if I had a son he would not look like Trayvon Martin, but I hope he would act like him,” said Maher… apparently admiring the way Trayvon stole jewelry, smoked pot, slapped bus drivers, got suspended from school repeatedly, and tried to kill a neighborhood watchman.

What’s missing from this picture? This is a photo of the PGA Minority Collegiate Golf Champions, from historically black college Bethune-Cookman… only there isn’t anybody black on the team. They recruit white golfers so they can win. Only in America can a bunch of white kids win a golf tournament for minorities.

Muslims finally win a battle in the culture wars. The largest Muslim nation in the world, Indonesia, has denied Lady Gaga a permit for her sold-out June 3 concert in Gelora Bung Karno stadium. Islamic leaders said the suggestive nature of her show would undermine the moral fiber of the nation. Yes, believe it or not, the Muslims might be right for once. Hey, even a blind pig finds an acorn once in a while.

Brian Williams feels ‘unmitigated joy’ when daughter masturbates. The NBC anchor is estatic that his daughter, Allison, has a starring role in HBO’s trashy new show, “Girls.” Her scenes include planning an abortion (including celebratory snacks) for a friend and a masturbation scene in a bathroom. For liberals, it doesn’t get more heartwarming than this.

Which of these two Harvard law professors is Native American? Answer: both of these blue-eyed palefaces claim to be Native American. That’s Robert C. Clark on the left, who was listed as “part Choctaw” in a 1999 Harvard Magazine article, and that’s Elizabeth Warren on the right, who claimed to be 1/32 Cherokee in order to get minority status for affirmative action purposes. That sound you hear is Sitting Bull spinning in his grave.

Possibly the funniest climate photo ever. British climate alarmists said drought was “inevitable” this spring – so inevitable that they put announcements on the sides of buses. Almost immediately it started raining and wouldn’t stop.

Canadian auto bailout cost $474,000 per GM employee. It wasn’t just the U.S. government that wasted money on auto bailouts in 2009. The Canadians also jumped in with both feet.

James Hansen to block Warren Buffet’s coal trains. Who do we root for in this one? The leftwing nutjob Global Warming alarmist, or the leftwing nutjob billionaire who supports Obama and lobbies for higher taxes while refusing to pay his own?

What’s up with women lately? We just finished talking about the Chinese woman who killed a man by squeezing his testicles – now we hear about a Polish dentist who removed all her ex-boyfriend’s teeth while he was unconscious. Listen guys, to be on the safe side, maybe we better start treating our women better.

Believe it or not, Dan Rather still thinks the Bush memos are real. Never mind that they were printed in a Microsoft Word font that didn’t exist yet, and never mind that all experts (even the CBS ones) say they’re fake, Dan Rather thinks they’re real. And Dan Rather is a legendary journalist, right?

Royal Society publishes new “People and the planet report.” Surprise, surprise, they want developed countries to consume less, they want us to have fewer babies, they want those of who live in the suburbs to move into the cities, and they want to reduce wealth inequality. In other words, they like North Korea.

TSA screener asks 79-year-old if she’s wearing a sanitary napkin. When she answered no, he announced loudly, “There’s an anomaly in the crotch area!” It’s probably rude to generalize, but there also seems to be an anomaly in the average TSA screener’s brain area.

Obama’s EPA experimented on human guinea pigs. This story is a microcosm of what happens to government under liberals. The EPA treated human beings like guinea pigs, making them breathe what they thought were deadly doses of particulates, and then lied about the results when nobody died. Moral of the story: human lives and scientific integrity are worth nothing – political goals are worth everything.

The naked judge of Detroit. Meet Wayne County 3rd Circuit Court Judge Wade McCree, who Weinerized himself in a naked picture to his female bailiff. Listen to the interview. He’s proud of himself. Watch the way he acts. This is what the collapse of civilization looks like.

What if they held an Earth Day and nobody showed up? In Washington, D.C., they were expecting tens of thousands of people, but Momma Gaia spoiled her own party. Because of the dreary wet weather there were about 40 people waiting to hear Jesse Jackson give his Earth Day speech. And two of those 40 were playing catch with a Frisbee.

This is knot funny. A 27-year-old actor in Brazil accidentally hung himself for real while re-enacting the suicide of Judas. Somebody used the wrong knot. Tip for aspiring actors: audition for the Jesus role – you get top billing and they don’t really nail you to the cross.

Starbucks gets the bugs out. To please vegetarian customers who objected to having crushed cochineal beetles used as food dye in their strawberry frappuccinos, Starbucks has decided to use a tomato-based dye instead. This is what passes for adulthood in Seattle.

Obama campaign paying for ads on Brietbart.com? This might be a sign that Obama is getting desperate. Andrew Breitbart was the president’s arch-enemy but now his re-election campaign is spending money at Breitbart’s news site.

Palin beats Couric in head-to-head ratings contest. On Tuesday, Sarah Palin was guest-hosting the Today show at the same time Katie Couric was guest-hosting Good Morning America. 5.497 million viewers watched Palin, while 5.141 watched Couric. Even more revealing, 397,000 more people watched the Today show with Palin on Tuesday than watched it without Palin on Monday. Game, set, match.

Polar bear survey says bears are doing fine. So much for the global warming doomsayers. Once again they’re wrong. Their predictions are always wrong, aren’t they?

Victim of scrotum attack taken to Ball Memorial Hospital. Now why isn’t THIS considered a hate crime? Stop laughing at the name of the hospital and answer the question.

Russian spy was close to member of Obama inner circle. A British television series titled “Modern Spies” will reveal that Anna Chapman, the Russian spy arrested and deported by the FBI in 2010, was close to compromising a member of the Obama inner circle. Since they don’t mention the name of the official dilly-dallying with Anna, one wonders. And now that pictures of Anna Chapman are all over the Internet, one also wonders what he was waiting for.