Author: J.P. Travis

The next great idea for Nanny Bloomberg? Desperate to prove that socialism doesn’t suck, the bureaucrats of the European Union decided to limit the amount of power vacuums are allowed to use. (So far no word on limiting their own power.)

Harry Belafonte opens mouth, spews hate, makes giant ass of himself. There, now we have a headline we can use once a week without changing a word.

Another peer-reviewed study suggests climate change is natural, not man-made. The study’s authors say large-scale circulation patterns in the atmosphere and ocean such as is El Niño/La Niña behave in a more predictable way than previously thought… much more predictably than the IPCC’s 138 flagrantly-wrong GIGO-esque computer models.

Atlanta team sets new Cannonball Run record. 28 hours 50 minutes and 30 seconds from New York City to the Portofino Hotel and Marina in Redondo Beach, California. Average speed while moving: 100 mph. Average speed overall: 98 mph. Top speed: 158 mph. Driving aids: two laser jammers, three radar detectors, one police scanner, two GPS units, two extra 22-gallon gas tanks in the trunk, and a bedpan.

Michigan man claims he told the FBI where Bin Laden was in 2003. Eight years later SEALs finally raided the compound and now he wants the $25 million reward. Give him credit: anyone willing to announce to the whole world that he fingered Bin Laden is one gutsy dude.

From the “Do you miss me yet?” category… a photo of George W. Bush trick-or-treating yesterday with tiny astronaut granddaughter.

“Healthy Ho” event in San Francisco registers 40 prostitutes for Obamacare. Siouxsie Q, hostess of a weekly podcast called The WhoreCast, organized the event and “staffed” it with volunteers. Finally, a Healthcare.gov navigator who knows the lay of the land.

Obama hires firm to fix Healthcare.gov. And, guess what, it’s the same campaign donor-crony who built the mess in the first place. The lesson for future American entrepreneurs: in Obama-nation, it’s not what you know, it’s whose campaign got your kickbacks – you can be a big success if you simply kiss the right politician’s ass.

Flush with the successful launch of Healthcare.gov… the Obama administration is ready to take over the news media. Much as we hate the media, even we don’t hate them that much. If the history of MSNBC tells us anything, it’s that being run by the government is no path to success.

Rasmussen poll: 37% think zombies could do a better job running the country. Our faith in the intelligence of the American electorate is restored.

Muslim suicide bomber blows himself up on empty beach. Darwin Award shoo-in.

NSA even spied on the Pope! These Keystone Voyeurs couldn’t find Osama bin Laden for ten years but they were all over Pope Francis from day one. Maybe they were afraid he belonged to the Tea Party and needed an IRS audit.

PETA upset about cruelty to… cockroaches. What’s next for PETA after this? Lobbying for minimum wages for dung beetles? Protests against the solitary confinement of smallpox viruses?

Obamacare website sending people to Brooklyn Cupcake shop. Hey, maybe this is a sign things are improving. “Go buy a cupcake” is certainly more useful than “404 Error.”

MSNBC host Ronan Farrow is nostalgic for the Clintons. Specifically, he misses their honesty:

“I think they represent a style of honesty that the public craves right now.”

Being professional media analysts here at IHTM, we can read between the lines and ascertain the subtle meaning underlying this statement: MSNBC is smoking some powerful weed, man.

RNC’s new videos mocking Obamacare. Remember those old “I’m a Mac, I’m a PC” commercials Apple used to mock Microsoft? Perfect format.

Hoover? You mean like the vacuum cleaner? The brilliant Face the Nation crew at CBS doesn’t know the difference between former President Herbert Hoover and former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover – they displayed a quote by the latter next to a photo of the former. Both guys are probably rolling over in their graves.

The president did not know the NSA was spying on foreign leaders… honest. So relax everybody, the buck doesn’t stop with Sergeant Obama this time, either.

Post Office honoring pederast Harvey Milk with commemorative postage stamp. Gee, if honoring homosexual sexual predators is the goal, how about a Jeffrey Dahmer stamp?

When America achieved. Watch all thirteen Saturn V launches at the same time and remember when Americans strived to be the biggest possible numerator, instead of the lowest common denominator.

What if they had a solar auction and nobody showed up? Obama finally had his first federal solar auction, with the BLM opening up millions of acres to installation of solar panels. The auction was Thursday. There were no bids. As in zero. Zip. None.

What does “CGI” stand for? Comically Gruesomely Incompetent? Turns out CGI Federal Inc., the company that screwed up Healthcare.gov, was also tasked with distributing federal Hurricane Sandy relief. So far, in the one year since the disaster, only $700 million of the $60 billion aid package has reached actual victims… 1.2 percent.

Now that he’s nothing but a joke in his own country… Al Gore is taking his act on the road by saving Australia from Global Warming. Good luck with that, mates! You’re welcome! (Caution: if you’re a masseuse named Barbara, watch yourself. We’re not sure the Goracle completely understands the whole “shrimp on the barbie” expression.)

Obama trying to replace Marine hats with unisex French-looking ones. Current uniform caps on the left, girly-looking proposed new ones on the right. Next logical step: change the Marine motto from Semper Fidelis to Semper Fidelia.

Sebelius has a history of failing with new websites. So who’s the guy that put her in charge of the biggest most-expensive website failure of all time? Whoever that guy is, he has some splainin to do.