Everything the DNC did not want you to know and was afraid you would ask

While cleaning out some dumpsters hoping to find the rumored Al Franken doodles of Elena Kagan naked, we instead uncovered some documents wrapped around three day old sushi and purported to be Democratic talking points suitable for town halls meetings and campaign appearances.

If questioned, we are sure the DNC would deny all knowledge or blame it on either George Bush or global warming, so we didn’t bother to ask. So here it is:

If someone at your town hall meeting starts to talk about lower taxes – RIDICULE HIM/HER immediately. Call them names like smart ass. If they persist, toss in “un-American” or “astro turf” and, of course, the biggie, scream “raaaaacism”.

When questioned about job numbers, it can become quite tricky to counter your constituent, especially if he or she is armed with pesky facts that you, unfortunately, cannot disprove, most likely because facts are, after all, facts. In this case, resort to the unexpected to throw your opponents off balance. Say something like, “Is it just me or do Sarah Palin’s breasts look unnaturally large?” Sometimes distraction is almost as good as winning.

Should someone at your town hall bring up the Blago corruption trial and the glorious leader’s president’s involvement, go on the offensive. Make fun of Boehner’s tan by calling him a “person of color”. Not only is this distracting, it’s downright hilarious!

If someone mentions unemployment numbers, remind them it could be worse – 30%, 50% or even 100%. They could be a living in a communist nation and no one would get paid. Ummm, on second thought, don’t say that.

If a Republican or, God forbid, a Tea Party member should sneak into your Town Hall past your Union provided security personnel and they dare to ask about the oil spill, remind them that it is George Bush’s fault. Then question their patriotism for questioning the Great and Powerful Obama. Since no one knows exactly how the oil spill started, accuse them of begin responsible. Who knows? Maybe your accusations can gain some traction.

Should someone bring up the old news about Sestak or Romanoff being offered jobs for dropping out of their campaigns, look at them with utter disgust and disdain. You may wish to watch clips of Robert Gibbs to get the look down just right. Then say something like, “Are you honestly accusing this great man, the most intellectual and sexiest president of all time, of stooping so low?” Then sneer and say, “How could you? I’m not even going to dignify that question with a response.”

If your state borders Mexico – unlike Arizona – and someone questions border security in your state, jump up on your chair as if you have seen a large rat and yell, “Racist, racist, racist” while pointing at the offender. Don’t fall into the trap of letting a constituent ask if you’ve actually read the 20-page Arizona bill. This sort of bill is often both complicated and arcane and can be terribly confusing. Just assure your audience that the bill is racist and encourages profiling.

We are sure that we have left out some scandal problem that may give rise to a question or two, but if all else fails use the Nancy Pelosi defense. Talk about God’s will and tell everyone how great unemployment is.