We’ve seen video of those union goons roughing up conservatives in Madison. And we’ve had our own fair share of death threats lately.
So to follow the outstanding example set by Libyan strongman Muammar Gaddafi, we’ve decided it would be wise to hire our own squad of IHateTheMedia.com Virgin Bodyguards.
We don’t know what it’s like in Libya, but finding virgins in a college town like San Luis Obispo, California is a lot more difficult than we expected. So, unfortunately, we’ve fallen considerably short of our original hiring goals.
Since we’ve already given you 15 little known facts about Muammar Gaddafis’ Virgin Bodyguard Squad, here are top 12 little known facts about the IHTM Virgin Bodyguard Squad.
12. All virgins who are martyred in the line of duty are guaranteed IHTM t-shirts in the afterlife.
11. To ensure maximum proficiency, hand-to-hand combat is practiced in a vat of oil.
10. Since IHTM is strictly halal, squad members are always expected to hide the salami.
9. Sexual harassment seminars are conducted 24/7 at IHTM headquarters.
8. To assure that they’re not hiding any weapons, the Administrator and the Editor insist on being frisked at least twice a day.
7. Some sneaky devil keeps pulling the Cavity Search Alarm.
6. 78% of the IHTM Virgin Bodyguards dated Keith Olbermann immediately prior to making the decision to remain virgins.
5. We had to kick one virgin off the squad when we found out she was majoring in Journalism.
4. None of our Virgin Bodyguards are allowed to fly or engage in any activities that could bring them into contact with the TSA. For obvious reasons.
3. Interestingly, two of the IHTM Virgin Bodyguards had to resign for violating the terms of their employment. On the same day. And they roomed together. Like we said, interesting.
2. Charlie Sheen has already offered the virgins more money than we can afford. Bastard!
1. Since we began hiring our Virgin Bodyguards, the biggest threats we’ve received have come from Mrs. Editor and Mrs. Administrator.
View Comments (21)
APP is an Oklahoma based, privately owned, security and risk management company operating in all 50 states and with partners in Germany. We offer comprehensive services and advice on every aspect of security – ranging from corporate operations, commercial and retail security risk aversion to close protection and high commodity transport.
Are the wives getting hunky well built sexy "virgin" males to uhm.... protect them? :-D
They have us. We've told them to think of us as renovated virgins. Or, perhaps more appropriately, retooled virgins.
Well... a woman can't ever have too much "security". :-)
Proof of virginity required?
That's gonna cut WAY down on your applicant pool, bud.
Unless you'll accept 12-year-old applicants.
Guys you need to have a try out on national tv and make all kinds of $$$$$. Both your wives would be so happy with the $$$$$ rolling in that they would not mind how many virgins you have around.
Great idea. Mrs. Editor says she's in.
Mrs. Editor just told me she feels like Norm's wife on Cheers. Always talked about, never seen.
I sit at this barstool night after night wondering why my wife left me.
How is Vera doing these days anyway?
11. To ensure maximum proficiency, hand-to-hand combat is practiced in a vat of oil.
See Little Known Fact #11
Hmm interesting, close quarter combat drills in a vat of oil...are you a hands on trainer. If not, I volunteer!
Excuse me while I grab my tissue box.
My now ex-wife decided I needed to leave just because I passed a little gas at the dinner table? And you two are still married? Who'da thunk it!!
First law of being a good husband: blame any fart-like noise on the barking spiders that live in the walls. Unless you have a dog.
I seem to be forever looking behind me, wondering what made that odd noise.
I feed her dog chili for exactly that reason.
Must have been one helluva fart!
Reminds me of a very old joke.
What's the difference between an elephant fart and a cocktail lounge?
One's a bar room, the other is a baroooooom!!!!!
Hey! That's the first mention of Olbermann I've heard in over a week! Is he still living?
Define living.
Hah! You wish! Mrs. Editor and Mrs. Administrator would get their Lorenna Bobbit signature knives out!