We’ve seen video of those union goons roughing up conservatives in Madison. And we’ve had our own fair share of death threats lately.
So to follow the outstanding example set by Libyan strongman Muammar Gaddafi, we’ve decided it would be wise to hire our own squad of IHateTheMedia.com Virgin Bodyguards.
We don’t know what it’s like in Libya, but finding virgins in a college town like San Luis Obispo, California is a lot more difficult than we expected. So, unfortunately, we’ve fallen considerably short of our original hiring goals.
Since we’ve already given you 15 little known facts about Muammar Gaddafis’ Virgin Bodyguard Squad, here are top 12 little known facts about the IHTM Virgin Bodyguard Squad.
12. All virgins who are martyred in the line of duty are guaranteed IHTM t-shirts in the afterlife.
11. To ensure maximum proficiency, hand-to-hand combat is practiced in a vat of oil.
10. Since IHTM is strictly halal, squad members are always expected to hide the salami.
9. Sexual harassment seminars are conducted 24/7 at IHTM headquarters.
8. To assure that they’re not hiding any weapons, the Administrator and the Editor insist on being frisked at least twice a day.
7. Some sneaky devil keeps pulling the Cavity Search Alarm.
6. 78% of the IHTM Virgin Bodyguards dated Keith Olbermann immediately prior to making the decision to remain virgins.
5. We had to kick one virgin off the squad when we found out she was majoring in Journalism.
4. None of our Virgin Bodyguards are allowed to fly or engage in any activities that could bring them into contact with the TSA. For obvious reasons.
3. Interestingly, two of the IHTM Virgin Bodyguards had to resign for violating the terms of their employment. On the same day. And they roomed together. Like we said, interesting.
2. Charlie Sheen has already offered the virgins more money than we can afford. Bastard!
1. Since we began hiring our Virgin Bodyguards, the biggest threats we’ve received have come from Mrs. Editor and Mrs. Administrator.
