I HATE THE MEDIA ™

Woman’s new phobia of bananas is completely justified. “…when I had a closer look [at the bananas] I saw some funny looking spots…and was horrified to see they were spiders. They were hatching out on the table, scurrying around on my carpet.” Deadly venomous spiders, in fact. The moral is when choosing bananas or presidents, it behooves you to look them over closely.

Polling Machine Problems Happening In Swing County In Virginia. Let the voter fraud begin!

Kerry says Saudi Arabia must decide on women drivers. It looks like Secretary of State Ketchup’s view of what is globally important need some catching up on. NSA spying? Terrorist? The global economy? China? North Korea? Pakistan? Afghanistan? Iran? Iraq? No problem! Want fries with those driver’s licences ladies?

IT BEGINS: Major Security Breaches Reported on Healthcare.gov. If you like your privacy, you can’t keep it.

Obama: “What We Said Was You Can Keep It If It Hasn’t Changed Since The Law Passed”: It is unfortunate this man can’t do for lying what he has done for employment.

Affordable Care Act Could Be Further Hamstrung By Shortage Of Doctors: So when exactly can we start saying “We told you so.”?

Feinstein attempts acrobatic triple summersault spin on “If you like your health insurance, you can keep it” lie. “Well, as I understand it, you can keep it up to the time — and I hope this is correct, but this is what I’ve been told — up to the time the bill was enacted, and after that, it’s a different story.” Yep, an acrobatic triple summersault after which she landed right on her face.

Hallmark forced to apologize for miniature sweater Christmas ornament. They changed the word “gay” to “fun” and gay people were offended even though the word gay in “Deck the Halls” originally meant fun and therefore didn’t refer to gay people at all. Got that? So anyway, Hallmark apologized. For something. (We’re as confused as you are.)

White House attacks Stage IV cancer patient. When an unfortunate woman in California had the audacity to complain about Obamacare causing the cancellation of her health insurance, Dan Pfeiffer, senior advisor to President Obama, decided calling her a liar was an appropriate and constructive response. For decades the left has been promising a classless society – now we know what they meant.

The next great idea for Nanny Bloomberg? Desperate to prove that socialism doesn’t suck, the bureaucrats of the European Union decided to limit the amount of power vacuums are allowed to use. (So far no word on limiting their own power.)

Harry Belafonte opens mouth, spews hate, makes giant ass of himself. There, now we have a headline we can use once a week without changing a word.

Another peer-reviewed study suggests climate change is natural, not man-made. The study’s authors say large-scale circulation patterns in the atmosphere and ocean such as is El Niño/La Niña behave in a more predictable way than previously thought… much more predictably than the IPCC’s 138 flagrantly-wrong GIGO-esque computer models.

Atlanta team sets new Cannonball Run record. 28 hours 50 minutes and 30 seconds from New York City to the Portofino Hotel and Marina in Redondo Beach, California. Average speed while moving: 100 mph. Average speed overall: 98 mph. Top speed: 158 mph. Driving aids: two laser jammers, three radar detectors, one police scanner, two GPS units, two extra 22-gallon gas tanks in the trunk, and a bedpan.

Rob Reiner: Hillary would be “most qualified person ever to run for president”. The meathead is right – nobody’s ever failed at a wider variety of public sector jobs than she has.

Maher: Obama had to lie to “stupider” Americans. “Appearing on Piers Morgan’s CNN program on Tuesday night, HBO’s Bill Maher explained that while President Obama did indeed lie to the American people about keeping their insurance, he had to do so in order to help the dumb Americans.” Dumb Americans… like the ones who could think Obama was a “sort of god”…

EPIC FAIL: Now JIMMY CARTER is calling Obama an incompetent loser. Having Jimmy Carter tell you you’re incompetent takes incompetence to a whole new level. Perhaps Jimmy should send Obama his copy of Presidency for Dummies?

Michigan man claims he told the FBI where Bin Laden was in 2003. Eight years later SEALs finally raided the compound and now he wants the $25 million reward. Give him credit: anyone willing to announce to the whole world that he fingered Bin Laden is one gutsy dude.

This Is The Most Embarrassing Plane-Pooping Story Ever. Talk about the shit flying, this is it! (I know, its not political, but I fell out of my chair laughing, which by the way, still hurts)

TENNESSEE STATE SENATOR PRESENTS KATHLEEN SEBELIUS WITH REALLY EMBARRASSING ‘GIFT’ – AND SHE DOESN’T LOOK VERY HAPPY ABOUT IT. Now if someone will only write How Healthcare Works for Dummies! We suggest Chapter 1 be titled “Men don’t get pregnant and don’t need maternity coverage.”

The “know nothing” president. Funny how 5 years ago, Obama was the guy who knew everything – now they’re telling us he’s Sargeant Schultz.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GJ-Xr3sq7YE#t=63

Politico: Hey, it’s really Republican sabotage causing Obamacare’s problems. Sure, and perpetual motion machines really exist but oil companies murder the inventors and destroy the machines to keep you addicted to their filthy oil. A unicorn told us this so we’re certain it’s the 1+1=potato unvarnished truth.

Top hospitals opt out of Obamacare. “There has been an incredible amount of focus on the premium cost and subsidy, and precious little focus on what you get for your money.” It’s amazing how bad one’s luck is when one doesn’t know WTF one is doing. Oh, almost forgot… BOOOOSH!

From the “Do you miss me yet?” category… a photo of George W. Bush trick-or-treating yesterday with tiny astronaut granddaughter.

“Healthy Ho” event in San Francisco registers 40 prostitutes for Obamacare. Siouxsie Q, hostess of a weekly podcast called The WhoreCast, organized the event and “staffed” it with volunteers. Finally, a Healthcare.gov navigator who knows the lay of the land.

Obama hires firm to fix Healthcare.gov. And, guess what, it’s the same campaign donor-crony who built the mess in the first place. The lesson for future American entrepreneurs: in Obama-nation, it’s not what you know, it’s whose campaign got your kickbacks – you can be a big success if you simply kiss the right politician’s ass.