All Pope, All the Time

photo by Waka Jawaka
photo by Waka Jawaka

If the Vatican were Hollywood, we’d say Pope Benedict XVI just landed a development deal with the Google channel. The Vatican’s press office has announced that His Holiness and Google will make texts and video of the pope’s speeches a new all-Pope-all-the-time channel.

Our source inside the Vatican has revealed some of the programs that will premiere during the channel’s new season: CSI: Rome, Vatican 90210, Dirty Sexy Lira, America’s Next Top Pontiff, Hell or No Hell, Survivor: Purgatory, Are You Smarter Than Pope Sixtus V, and The Amazing Grace.

Palm reader gets hands on Obama

photo by Mark Resch
photo by Mark Resch

Lori Reid, a palm-reading expert, has examined the lines on the Barack Obama’s palm and believes she has him figured out. Obama’s hand shape, she said, fits into a category common in artists, writers and thinkers.

“The middle section of his fingers are very long which shows he is a good manager – he has excellent psychology and listens to what people say, although he prefers to come to his own conclusions,” she says.

‘The little finger is particularly long in comparison to the other fingers and this reveals his exceptional talents as an orator.

Reid had no comment on the meaning of Obama’s middle finger extended toward taxpayers, the coal industry, the military, gun owners, and conservatives.

Maddow channels Fox News Channel

photo by Paul Schultz
photo by Paul Schultz

Do not compare MSNBC to Fox News when MSNBC newbie Rachel Maddow is in the room. She rejects “…the idea that there’s any equivalency between us and Fox News….”

“Fox is a political experiment,” she told a roomful of TV critics. “Imagine them having somebody as liberal as Joe Scarborough is conservative doing their whole morning? It doesn’t make sense.”

Then Maddow revealed to reporters reporters she doesn’t own a TV and has never seen a show on Fox at any time ever.

She concluded by saying she hates monkey brains although she’s never eaten one, and loves men although she’s never had one.

And the hits shit just keeps on comin’

Here we go again. The new owners of the Clear Channel Communications conglomerate are set to begin a massive restructuring expected to cut $400,000,000 in costs. Insiders expect layoffs in the company’s radio, outdoor advertising and international divisions and cuts to programming budgets and consolidation of back-office operations.

Industry observers say all 1200 Clear Channel-owned radio stations will switch to the KISS format and Ryan Seacrest will be their only remaining employee.

Disney CEO scrapes by on 51 million in ’08

Robert IgerRobert Iger, CEO of Disney, received a pay package worth $51.1 million in fiscal 2008. That was up a whopping 85 percent from a year earlier. Unfortunately, most of it came in stock options that are currently worthless.

The Magic Kingdom has also announced several new attractions in their amusement park division — The Haunted Soup Kitchen, Pirates of Wall Street, and Dumbo the Flying Stockholder.

ABC pres blames Nielsen for low ratings

ABC logoABC entertainment president Steve McPherson blamed decaying TV ratings on Nielsen Media Research, saying the ratings measurement firm doesn’t count enough forms of audience viewing.

In related news, Japan blamed Pearl Harbor on the United States, Hilary Clinton blamed Bill’s problems on a vast right wing conspiracy, and the pot called the kettle black.

I HATE THE MEDIA ™
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