I HATE THE MEDIA ™

Dems propose ‘Reasonable Profits Board’ to regulate oil company profits. Spaceman Kucinich (D-Uranus) and five co-idiots realized the cost of gas has doubled during the age of hopeless change and conjured this bullspit to deflect the blame to greedy oil companies while making the cause of the problem (the Democrats) seem like they’re trying to help. Political kabuki for the MSNBC crowd.

The owner of a discount store in Brooklyn says the city is holding him up for $30,000 in fines he can’t afford — all because he stocked six toy sheriff sets that included plastic guns. Well, plastic guns are kinda scary to politicians with plastic brains (like Kim Il Bloomberg.) BTW, the owner of the shop is one Khaled Mohamed – at least NYC is an equal opportunity idiocy.

Bain gives more campaign money to Democrats than it does to Republicans. So does that mean the Democrooks are hypocrites for attacking Bain Capital? Of course not! Thru their advanced political gymnastics, they will prove to you that Democrats accepting Bain money is GOOD and Republicans doing the same is BAD. Oh, and they have a bridge for sale, too.

Democrat Gov Cuomo lobs public pension grenade at NY unions. Raising retirement age, increasing worker contributions, offering a 401K option – but only for new hires (if there ever are any.) Guess what, the unions are up in arms over it anyway. What part of “the state’s broke” don’t they understand?

Newt ex-wife to unload: It is funny how these “October Surprise” type bombshells only seem to be directed against the candidates that the MSM hates the most. Of course this should be nothing new to Newt. Remember this little gem?

The National Enquirer says “The mother of JESSE JACKSON’s love child is blasting him as a deadbeat dad for falling behind on child sup­port payments.” In official documents, Karin Stanford claims the 70-year-old famed civil rights leader owes $11,694.50 for their daughter Ashley, now 12. Is the Enquirer raaaaacist for reporting this? Sure, Jesse’s a Democrat. AND an Obama supporter. Double raaaaacist.

Jimmy Carter: Gingrich has “That subtlety of racism”. Jimmy Carter hears the raaaaacism dog whistle wherever he goes (except when he’s kissing butt in North Korea or Venezuela.) We’re curious: is he really that much of a sh*thead or does he just wash his hair in toilets a lot?

Socialized medicine wants your brain. Britain’s National Institutes of Health in Dorset has been caught removing children’s brains and storing them in jars. No word on whether Joe Biden spent time in Britain as a youngster.

President Obama’s Council on Jobs and Competitiveness calls for an “all-in approach” to energy policy that includes expanded oil-and-gas drilling as well as expediting energy projects like pipelines. Guys, get a clue: the Lord of the 19th Hole doesn’t give a crap about your recommendations, you’re mainly there to decorate his “Obama is Awesome 2012!” campaign dog and pony show. Glad we could clear this up for ya.

Justice Alito to EPA: “don’t you think most ordinary homeowners would say this kind of thing can’t happen in the United States?” Justices probe the tyrannical nature and lack of due process afforded the average person by agencies like the EPA. Win, lose or draw, this is gonna leave a mark.

Obama: More jobs in jobless benefits than Keystone. “I would not ask anyone to do something I’m not willing to do myself,” Obama said when asked if he would go on vacation while keeping Congress in Washington D.C. Really? He once did something himself?

Obama Rejects Keystone pipeline, blames GOP. Yeah, the gasbag-in-chief claims it’s the Republicans’ fault because they demanded he make a decision within 60 days instead of dithering until after the election. The 3 words that describe the Obama “leadership” style: Present! Fore! Vacation!

Inconvenient truth: the distribution of income in the U.S. is basically the same as it was a quarter-century ago—and the middle class has gained ground over the last decade. Sure, next you’re gonna tell us there’s no unicorns either.

Ancient Greek sites could soon be available for rent. Speaking of venues suitable for the bestest, smartest president ever to use a teleprompter to speak in, Greek debt problems will make some really cool sites available soon. King Putt could babble in front of some real Greek columns instead of styrofoam ones. BTW, anyone know what the phrase “Achilles’ heel” means?

Carney Dodges Question About Obama’s College Transcripts: “I Would Refer You To The Campaign”. Obviously there is little that could be more racist than expecting the President to be judged on his merits instead of his myths. Stand back . . . the most transparent administration ever has struck again!

So THAT’S why Harry Reid is still in Washington! Turns out the city has a law that protects rats as endangered wildlife. In a weird twist, that means Occupy DC has been good for the environment.

New Obama OMB director a Bain Capital alum. Bain Capital, Mitt Romney’s old firm. “Yeah, Bain Captial types are evil, greedy, Wall St scum, that’s why I hired one as my OMB director.” Smooth.

The Book On Mitt Romney: Here Is John McCain’s Entire Opposition Research File. Want some muck on Mitt? Here it is.

Obama: [Screw you guys]I’m going to Disney World. We hope Barry can schedules some time for the Tower of Terror. It’s about as close as he’ll ever come to experiencing what Obamanomics has done to this nation.

FOREIGN COMPANY BUYS U.S. ELECTION RESULTS REPORTING FIRM. Dead, illegal and multiple voters no longer needed to throw an election.

Experienced at “bank takeovers and capitol occupations”? There’s a place for you with the SEIU! SEIU job posting has interesting requirements like “train and lead members in non-violent civil disobedience” and “plan and execute strategic direct action field plans including banner drops, bank takeovers, and capitol occupations.” It’s not mentioned but we assume experience at beating up political opponents is a plus.

How Calif. redevelopment dies. “Thousands of city workers empty their desks. Offices go dark. Rows of deteriorated buildings may sit untouched. This is how California’s redevelopment program dies.” Aww. $5 BILLION dollars a year – just to clean up buildings left empty by companies forced out by extreme tax rates. Don’t worry! They’ll be plenty of other jobs once the tax rates go up again… right?

10 Surprising Facts about Free Government Cell Phones. You’ve heard about the free government cell phone program, a favorite whipping boy of ours, which this industry site estimates costs taxpayers $2 billion in 2011. Here’s a Top 10 list of things that shows just how crazy it all is. Our favorite is “#6: Illegal aliens are welcome: The program’s rules don’t exclude non-U.S. citizens…” Hold on, another favorite, #8, which says, “the government estimates that 200,000 of Puerto Ricans have fraudulent free phone accounts.” Better just read them all.

The Huffington Post Twitter Account Gets Hacked: Homophobic And Racist Tweets Sent. “The New York Post rules!” exclaimed one of the anarchic tweets. Gosh, Froma Halfwit oughta get five or six columns out of this.

An unpublished report from Duke researchers shows that black undergraduates are disproportionally more likely to switch from tough majors to easier ones. “… switch explains how their grades wind up equaling whites, creating the impression that specially admitted students are improving academically…” We’re kinda wondering when there’s gonna be a program to specially admit more oriental kids into NCAA football and basketball.