Author: Bonfire of the Absurdities

Sen. Chuck Schumer (D-NY) on the State of the Union: “We are in great shape.” That’s odd, last fall Chuckie Cheesehead was supporting the OWSers who seemed to have a different opinion. Guess it’s just a matter of which “we” he’s alluding to; undoubtedly Chuck and the other crony capitalist one percenters in Washington are doing just fine.

Chris Tingles Really SHOCKED to hear congressional insider trading exists. Matthews says he’s never heard of such a thing. Must be hard to hear stuff when one’s head is so far up one’s butt. This is the silliest thing anyone’s said on MSNBC in, well, minutes!

Obama’s campaign is preparing an effort to cast him as the most impressive Democratic president on national security in decades, perhaps since JFK. Huh??? Well, Jimmy Carter did set the bar really LOW in this regard, but Obama has still managed to fail to clear it. Tripped over it, in fact.

Obama’s 2012 SOTU address rated at an 8th grade comprehension level on the Flesch-Kincaid readability test, the 3rd lowest score of any SOTU since 1934. SURPRISE, Politico suggests the reason is the audience is so simpleminded, not their boyfriend. They may have a point, likely the only folks who still bother listening to Obabbler are 8th graders and journ0lists. Thanks to Politico for pointing that out.

AP: Obama pushes plans that flopped before. Well, Obama is big on recycling, but what we need is less con and more jobs. No matter, Barry, give yourself an A+ for this and have the staff start packing for your next trip.

CalPERS earns 1.1% on investments in 2011. Only 6.65% below the average annual return of 7.75% that the actuaries say will be needed to meet its obligations. At some point California public union retirees are gonna hafta take a cut and/or members of the 99% like Robert Redford are gonna hafta pony up a LOT more dough. Good times.

Al Gore is taking his fight against climate change to Antarctica next week as part of a cruise organized by his Climate Reality Project. Going on a cruise with a bunch of celebutards and bureaucrats to Antartica, trying to raise awareness in the locals of the link between their farting and greenhouse gases or something. Well, if anyone can enjoy a Chicken Little gag, it’s penguins.

Oil companies pay $6.8 million in fines for not meeting federal quotas for blending in cellulosic biofuels even though there weren’t enough of those biofuels available for use. Yeah, ’cause we gotta reduce our dependency on foriegn oil (that’s why no Keystone pipeline?) Oh, and the oil companies ain’t paying those fines… you are.

Filmmaker Oliver Stone would vote for Ron Paul over Obama. Gotta wonder if an endorsement from a pal of Castro and Chavez is more bug than feature.

Buffett’s Burlington Northern RR among winners from Keystone denial. The State Dept (yes, the same one that nixed the pipeline) says “With modest expansion, railroads can handle all new oil produced in western Canada through 2030.” Lord TaxMeMore is rewarded by the King for his loyal service.

Sen. Charles Grassley (R-IA) says LightSquared offered him a political “win” in exchange for backing down on FCC probe. Says two separate incidents implied a desire to have him “pull punches” in his investigation. More of those Chicago-style ethics, we surmise.

11 stunning revelations from Larry Summers’s secret economics memo to Barack Obama. James Pethokoukis wades thru a 57-page “Sensitive & Confidential” memo written by economist Larry Summers (later head of the presidents’s National Economic Council) to president-elect Obama in December 2008 and finds it contains more than a few inconvenient truths which they hid from the public.

Sen. John Kerry (D-Ketchup) showed up at a White House ceremony with 2 black eyes and a broken nose. Spokewoman said it was from playing hockey. Uhhh, sure… The consensus of the commenters deems plastic surgery to be the more likely cause, though quite a few think the missus clocked him. We’re sure he really was playing hockey, he just didn’t mention he was the puck.

Biden on Newt’s Marriage: “Character” matters. Times have changed from the Clinton years when the song went “Hey, it’s only sex!” Or from 2008 when it was raaaaacist to ask anything about Obama’s character other than what color one perceived his halo to be. How convenient.

Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) detained by TSA in Nashville, TSA denies. Sen. Rand Paul’s chief of staff said the Senator “was detained by the TSA after their scanner had an ‘anomaly’ on the first scan.” The TSA says Sen. Rand Paul “was not detained at any point” but “triggered an alarm during routine airport screening and refused to complete the screening process in order to resolve the issue.” Well, OK then.

Doctors removed a 3-inch nail from a man’s brain after he accidentally fired it into his head. “Dante Autullo remained conscious after the self-inflicted injury and initially believed he had only brushed his nail gun against his head.” Stop right there – why the hell would anybody put his nail gun up close to his head???? We’re happy he’s OK but perhaps he should look for another line of work.

Davos elites to seek reforms of “outdated and crumbling” capitalism. Hey, capitalism wasn’t “outdated and crumbling” until pompous dicks started “fixing” it. The only thing that’s outdated and crumbling is the notion that a handful of self-styled experts is smarter than the free market. But these clowns never learn, do they?

Dowd on the Obamas: “We disappointed them.” Maureen Dowd embraces her inner raaaaacist: “A presidency with all the joy of a root canal.” We agree, America is just not up to the task of having Barack Obama lead it. It would serve us right if he foresook us and never came back. In fact, we insist on it. (Link is to Don Surber’s article for those who don’t deserve the NY Times.)

U.S. Rep. Gabrielle Giffords will step down from Congress this week to focus on her recovery, her staff announced Sunday. Weather forecast: expect a storm system of bullspit-laden bluster to blow in from the ocean of liberal propagandists as they sieze one last opportunity to use this tragedy to manipulate folks into voting for their incompetent boyfriend Barack.

Cops: Man battered spouse, tried to blame “ghost”. And for some unknown reason, the police arrested him anyway. Maybe it was the booze on his breath and his fingerprints on her neck. Go figure.

Consumer group Public Knowledge accused Motion Picture Association of America head, former Sen. Chris Dodd, of trying to intimidate lawmakers into supporting two controversial anti-piracy bills. Ya know, it’s long past time someone investigated the Sweetheart of Countrywide’s role in the mortgage bubble of the last decade. Just a suggestion.

Arizona’s state legislature will open its own investigation into the Obama administration’s disgraced gun-running program, known as “Fast and Furious,” the speaker of the state House said Friday. Wait’ll Hitler finds out about this.

In turning down Keystone, the President has uncovered an ugly little secret that has always lurked beneath the surface of environmentalism. Its basic appeal is to the affluent. “As the Forest Service used to say, the person who built his mountain cabin last year is an environmentalist. The person who wants to build one this year is a developer.” Obama is for the one percent!

Companies plot their way around Obama’s Keystone decision. TransCanada may opt for building a pipeline to carry shale oil from Montana’s Bakken formation to the Gulf Coast. An all-US pipeline doesn’t require federal approval. When complete, Obama will either be a full-time golfer or a lame(r) duck – the company could then seek the permit to build the segment connecting the Canadian oil sands.

Probe of Volt fires ends: “Based on the available data, NHTSA does not believe that Chevy Volts or other electric vehicles pose a greater risk of fire than gasoline-powered vehicles.” And no, nobody ordered us to say that. You can trust us, we’re best friends with another government agency that owns 32% of GM stock, and we work for the golf-playing egomaniacal doofus who ordered them to buy it.