Cindy McCain smarter than her husband

cindy mccain john blurryThere’s a reason John McCain married a younger woman. Not only can she spoonfeed the deluded old codger and wipe up his drool, but she’s rational enough to comprehend what the media did to her husband throughout the last election cycle.

“I do believe there was a media bias,” Cindy said. “I do believe that the media had a specific agenda…There is very little difference now between journalism and gossip.”

“The New York Times profile of me is being used as an example of the bias in reporting in journalism classes at Columbia’s journalism school.”

Our sources inside the McCain home report that Senator McCain woke up soon after the cameras were turned off:

“The press loves me,” John said. “I’m a maverick, damn it, and the press loves me.”

Cindy rolled her eyes, patted him on the head and said, “Yes, dear. They love you. Now go back to sleep.”

NY Times stops having hissy fits, has epiphany instead

crumpled newspaperAfter many months of railing against terrorist detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, the NY Times has had an epiphany. Bad guys, they’ve suddenly realized, really are bad guys.

“The emergence of a former Guantanamo Bay detainee as the deputy leader of Al Qaeda’s Yemeni branch has underscored the potential complications in carrying out the executive order President Obama signed Thursday that the detention center be shut down within a year. The militant, Said Ali al-Shihri, is suspected of involvement in a deadly bombing of the United States Embassy in Yemen’s capital, Sana, in September. He was released to Saudi Arabia in 2007 and passed through a Saudi rehabilitation program for former jihadists before resurfacing with Al Qaeda in Yemen.”

In related news, the Times also realized dogs are always going to be dogs, cats are always going to be cats, and remarkably naive is always going to be remarkably naive.

Fairness Doctrine = redistribution of listeners

slience“Redistribution” wafts ominously over Washington, D.C. these days.

New tax proposals make it clear that this administration wants to redistribute income. The recount farce in Minnesota makes it clear they want to redistribute votes. And the president’s personal attack on Rush Limbaugh makes it clear they want to redistribute radio listeners.

They may call it the Fairness Doctrine. They may call disguise it as new “local content” regulations. But no matter what name they hang on it, the intention is to give radio listeners fewer opportunities to listen to conservative voices by reducing the number of hours those voices are on the air and redistributing those hours to liberal voices. No matter what listeners may want.

Here at I Hate The Media, we always try to put a humorous spin on the days media news.

But there’s nothing funny about this.

Katie Couric screws Matt Lauer

katie couric grimmaceCBS news anchor Katie Couric not only scored the first interview with the pilot who brought his airliner down in the Hudson River, but snatched it away from her former “Today” show co-host Matt Lauer.

Lauer had been promised the first interview. Then pilot “Sully” Sullenberger was asked to delay interviews until after the investigation of U.S. Airways Flight 1549’s water landing was completed.

“What Captain Sullenberger did in the cockpit on Flight 1549 was heroic and admirable,” said an NBC News mouthpiece. “Unfortunately, people close to him have not acted nearly as admirably over the past few days. They gave us their word, and then broke their commitment.”

When told of the Couric’s scoop, ABC’s aged Barbara Walters reportedly said, “You call that a scoop? I’m interviewing Sylvester Stallone this week. I’m asking the tough questions like , ‘If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?’”

Obama takes us past race, Jay-Z brings us back

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p68XfbBmnM0You may have read the news that the election of President Obama has miraculously leapfrogged society past the divisive race issue. Someone should tell his pals Jay-Z, who was given a seat in the VIP section at the inauguration, and fellow-rapper Young Jeezy.

First, they wrote and produced a racist rant disguised as “music” titled “My President Is Black (read the lyrics if you can stomach it).”

Then these two musical geniuses went to a Washington, D.C. club after the inauguration and began screaming racist obscenities that were captured by a videographer, shown in the accompanying video of a Fox News report that contains the entire, disgusting event.

Warning: both links contain obscenities. But they both demonstrate the moral vacuum into which popular music has descended.

By the way, what the hell kind of name is “Young Jeezy” anyway?

CNN attacks Obama. Get me the smelling salts!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziUW5G6n054Lord almighty, hell hath frozen over. Campbell Brown, CNN news anchor, actually attacked the hypocrisy of the new Obama administration.

Here’s the background. Obama announced strict new rules banning lobbyists from his administration. Two days, he attempted to suspend those rules in order to appoint lobbyist William Lynn as Deputy Defense Secretary.

Brown said: “Really? Is this how it’s going to be? Please, please don’t make us all any more cynical than we already are, Mr. President. If you have no intention of abiding by your new rules, then don’t make new rules. That would be actual transparency.”

We appreciate Campbell’s candor and unbiased reporting. But Campbell, honey, we suggest you polish up your resume, because those comments will not sit well with the powers at CNN.

Is that Obama in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

little red bookJust what you’ve been waiting for — the collected wisdom of our new leader contained in one pocket-sized book called “Pocket Obama.” Sure, it’s vaguely reminiscent of Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book, but hell, man, this is Obama we’re talking about here.

According to the publishers, “Pocket Obama serves as a reminder of the amazing power of oratory and the remarkable ability of this man to move people with his words.”

They also say, “It is an unofficial requirement for every citizen to own, to read, and to carry this book at all times.”

Brilliant! Why didn’t we think of that? We know a good idea when we steal it.

IHateTheMedia.com. It is an unofficial requirement for every citizen to click on it every day. Illegal aliens, too.

He’s Obama. She’s O-gasmic.

oprah orgasmIt’s the day after the election. Oprah Winfrey and her guests were quivering with O-gasmic delight.

Actor Forest Whitaker said, “The light of the New Age is here.”

Oprah gal pal Gayle King said, “Not only does he hear us. He feels us…he talks to my soul.”

Whitaker saw King’s goofy comment and raised her one by saying, “It’s okay to love” again thanks to the Obamas.

Nutcase historian Doris Kearns Goodwin piped in by saying it’s “extraordinary” to have a president care about history.

But the award for most o-gasmic comment of the day went to Ali Wentworth, wife of ABC’s George Stephanopoulos, who, with a straight face, claimed: “I took the Metro. And everyone was singing Amazing Grace.”

We always attempt to end our stories with an amusing comment. But we are simply incapable of topping Oprah and her guests when it comes to funny.

NY Times needs Nigerian banker

Nigerian CurrencyThe New York Times’ efforts to sell its iconic HQ building has taken on even greater importance since Moody’s and S&P both downgraded the Grey Lady’s debt to junk status.

This downgrade is sure to impact the Times’ ability to raise cash, because junk ratings make it too expensive to borrow capital through “regular” channels.

If they really need money, they should give us a call. We can introduce them to a friendly Nigerian banker we just met on the internet. He has $10,000,000 and is willing to give them some of it.

In a remarkable double whammy, veteran observers note that the Times’ reporting had already been reduced to junk status several administrations ago.

Fairness Doctrine vs. Limbaugh Doctrine

Rush Limbaugh ThinDo you think maybe we need to worry about the fairness of the Fairness Doctrine when the president of the United States personally attacks a private citizen.

President Obama put his foot in his mouth yesterday by telling Republican congressional leaders, “You can’t just listen to Rush Limbaugh and get things done.” Rush released a statement accusing Obama of attempting to turn the argument into a discussion of Limbaugh rather than the real issues. But he saved his best zinger for last:

“(National Review has) documented Obama’s ties to the teachings of Saul Alinksy while he was community organizing in Chicago. Here is Rule 13 of Alinksy’s Rules for Radicals: ‘Pick the target, freeze it, personalize it, and polarize it.’”

That’s probably not a quote you’ll find in Pocket Obama.

Rush’s full response at National Review Online

Obama wants to crush Rush

Rush Limbaugh Pointing FingerPresident Obama warned Republicans to stop listening to Rush Limbaugh if they want to get along with his administration.

“You can’t just listen to Rush Limbaugh and get things done,” he said to Republican leaders attending a White House meeting to discuss his bloated $1 trillion economic stimulus package.

Too many people listen to Rush, the new president thought to himself. After we’re done redistributing everyone’s income, we’ll start redistributing Limbaugh’s radio listeners.

Britney Spears is a garbage mouth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PH2d_PlN0XUIn a sign that Armageddon has been briefly delayed, radio stations from coast to coast are threatening to ban Britney Spears’ latest single, “If U Seek Amy.”

Why? The lyrics say, “But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to if you seek Amy.” Looks innocent enough. But when you hear it sung, those lyrics unmistakably say, “But all of the boys and all of the girls are begging to F-U-C-K-me.”

Turns out mothers don’t want their young daughters singing the blatantly obscene song. Bowing to pressure, Spears has reported changed the title of the song to “If You See Amy.”

Warning: The attached video contains the offensive audio track. The faint of heart should not listen. The morally degenerate should listen repeatedly.

Anderson Cooper said what?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=neh46EzE3TcWe love Anderson Cooper. That suave demeanor. That premature gray hair. That boyish charm.

But his performance after the inauguration was…well…it was…uh…uh…odd. Yeah, “odd” is a good description. Let’s just say his post-election performance wasn’t one of his best.

You don’t expect to see this many F-ups in a full season of Anderson Cooper 360. But every moment of this edited clip comes from young Andy’s show the day after the election.

Clear up some space on your mantle, Andy, because this clip will undoubtedly win you an Emmy.

First Obama carried 28 states. Now he’ll carry your lunch.

Barack Obama L.A. Times toteFirst we had the Obama ninja action figure. Now we have the LA Times Obama tote bag. Who needs a stimulus program when our new president is single-handedly bringing the economy back from the edge of disaster?

This patriotic tote bag proudly displays the front page of LA Times from the day after Obama’s victory. The manufacturer says it “will be a daily reminder of the historic election of Barack Obama. Covered in soft, durable water resistant laminate with double straps and velcro closure, this eye-catching bag is perfect as a large purse, grocery bag or carry-on. Handmade in Los Angeles.”

The front of the bag features the cover of the LA Times and the back of the bag features a photo of Michelle and Barack Obama. And it’s a bargain, my friends, at $64.00.

The way things are going at the LA Times, this may be the only way they can pick up new readers.

Get yours at UncommonGoods.com

Olbermaniac wanted

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TL3rc6wvNqE“You must love pina coladas, walking on the beach in the rain and frothing at the mouth.”

OK, so maybe that’s not exactly what MSNBC president Phil Griffin said, but it’s probably what he was thinking.

MSNBC is searching for a mad dog personality to fill the open 10 p.m. time slot, which is currently occupied by a replay of Keith Olbermann’s “Countdown” program.

In fact, Griffin believes a new 10 p.m. program is a top priority. He said that the channel needed a third original show – in addition to Rachel Maddow’s and Olbermann’s — in its primetime lineup.

“We can’t let this momentum stop,” he said.

“Where the hell can I find another lunatic who looks good in a suit,” he thought.

China violates IHTM obscenity guidelines

massage_parlor_adChina announced today that it has shuttered 1,250 web sites as they “crack down on pornography.”

Liu Zhengrong, an official with China’s Internet Affairs Bureau, said authorities arrested 41 people as part of the investigation.

“We have made apparent achievements but it’s only for this phase,” Liu said. “We still have a lot of work to do.”

The Chinese government redtagged Google, Baidu, Sina and Sohu, China’s most popular sites, and said that they must improve their efforts to block pornography.

In response, IHTM has warned the Chinese government that they have violated of our decency standards by issuing a press release that uses the words “crack” and “pornography” in the same sentence.

And Stephanopoulos wept

baby_cryingGeorge Stephanopoulos, host of This Week on ABC, makes us fondly recall the days when masculinity was measured by how many times a man could jump up and down on Oprah’s couch while sporting a maniacal grin.

George’s wife, Ali Wentworth, told Obama sycophant Oprah Winfrey, “We watched everything and George was still doing all the anchoring for ABC and as soon Beyonce said ‘At Last’ George called me at home and he went, ‘Honey?’ and I said ‘I know!’ and we both started crying.”

Completely unsubstantiated reports say Stephanopoulos’ tears were triggered by his frequent, vivid flashbacks of Hilary screaming at him during his days in the Clinton White House.

Limbaugh gives media “the vapors”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4YcwI4NlKA

There’s a scene in Gone With The Wind where Scarlett O’Hara’s scandalous behavior causes Aunt Pittypat such distress that she falls victim to “the vapors.” That’s exactly what talk titan Rush Limbaugh has done to the rest of the media. Yet again.

As part of a longer statement on the danger of Obama’s policies, Limbaugh said, “Look, what he’s talking about is the absorption of as much of the private sector by the US government as possible, from the banking business, to the mortgage industry, the automobile business, to health care. I do not want the government in charge of all of these things. I don’t want this to work. So I’m thinking of replying to the guy, ‘Okay, I’ll send you a response, but I don’t need 400 words, I need four: I hope he fails.’”

Within minutes, CNN got the vapors. MSNBC got the vapors. The San Francisco Chronicle got the vapors. Dozens, maybe hundreds of members of the media – new and old — got the vapors.

Here’s Sean Hannity’s interview with Limbaugh, who as always, uses 400 words when four would have done the job.

Larry King’s son wants to be black

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXJI3dpO_A4Ancient orange-haired septuagenarian talkmeister Larry King has revealed that his youngest son (from his seventh marriage) is so enamored with Barack Obama that he wants to be black.

“My younger son Cannon, he is eight,” said King. “And he now says that he would like to be black. I’m not kidding. He said there’s a lot of advantages. Black is in.”

When pressed by reporters, King also admitted his son wishes he hadn’t been named after a fat TV detective from the 70s, wishes life with his father wasn’t quite so much like “Weekend At Bernie’s,” and wishes he understood why seven women have seen fit to marry daddy.

Inauguration causes worldwide ecological nightmare

illustration by Mike Cogh
illustration by Mike Cogh

Barack Obama’s inauguration generated unprecedented media coverage around the world.

Turns out the event generated an astounding 35,000 stories in the world’s major newspapers, television and radio broadcasts within 24 hours. That’s 35 times more than the 2005 inauguration — enough to cause the clear cutting of several major forests, increase global warming by several degrees, and swamp Washington, D.C. under several feet of globally-warmed glacier water.

The inauguration of George W. Bush in January 2005 triggered only about 1,000 stories around the world.

Who’d a thunk? Bush was better for the environment than Obama.

Geithner forgets to pay taxes.
Press forgets to report it.

photo by Matti Mattila
photo by Matti Mattila

It’s been extensively reported that would-be Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner neglected to pay self-employment taxes from 2001 through
2004. Strike one.

But Geithner has also admitted to cleverly – but illegally –deducting the cost of his kid’s summer camp as a “child care” expense. Strike two.

In addition, he neglected to pay taxes and penalties on an early withdrawal from a retirement plan. Strike three.

Finally, he took an improper business deduction, an improper charitable-contribution deduction, and tried to deduct personal utility costs. Strikes four, five and six.

Fact is, Geithner has a 15-year record of dodging taxes by taking deductions that range from highly aggressive to obviously illegal to fanciful.

Way to go, Mr. Geithner. We consider you an inspiration to small taxpayers everywhere. Make no mistake – we think you’re a crook, but you’re an inspirational crook.

American Idol tops American idolatry

Barack Obama may have defeated John McCain, but Simon Cowell looks like a far more formidable opponent.

Fox’s “American Idol” won the popular vote on Tuesday with ABC’s coverage of the inaugural balls finishing a distant second.

Preliminary Nielsen numbers show that the first hour of “American Idol” brought in 22.4 million viewers. ABC’s “Neighborhood Ball: An Inauguration Celebration” scored only 12.6 million viewers.

Ronald Reagan’s 1981 inauguration, the most watched in history, scored 41.8 million viewers.

The American Idol judges watched the attached video of Barack Obama singing. Simon, Randy and Kara said, “No.” Paula asked if she could be ambassador to Funkytown.

Einstein declares Time, Newsweek clinically insane

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MMXvU4O9OANoted physicist and amateur psychologist Albert Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

The Washington Post reports that Time and Newsweek are getting “smaller, more serious, more opinionated and, though they are loath to admit it, more liberal. They are pursuing a more elite audience, in print and on the Web, abandoning the old Henry Luce notion of catering to the masses. It is nothing less than a survival strategy.”

Time says it was marginally profitable last year, but Newsweek lost money. Time has reduced its guaranteed circulation to advertisers from 4.1 million to 3.25 million. Newsweek lowered its from 3.1 million to 2.6 million and is considering lowering it again.

Although we cannot verify it, we’ve been told the attached video may have been shot during a recent editorial board meeting at Time. Or Newsweek. Take
your choice.

World’s second richest man to get poorer

Much like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman,” the cash-strapped New York Times has walked the streets until it found a rich sugar daddy. Or in this case, a papá de azúcar. Mexican Carlos Slim, the world’s second richest man, is about to become $250 million poorer by investing the money in the floundering New York Times.

“By having a stake in the New York Times, he’s basically projecting himself as a powerbroker in this country, regardless of how his investment does,” said Armand Peschard-Sverdrup, a senior associate of the Center For Strategic and International Studies.

In an effort to educate you in the complex world of high finance, we present this video. While you’re watching it, think of the New York Times as Julia Roberts and think of Carlos Slim as Richard Gere. Slim and Gere are both willing to grossly overpay for a common commodity and, as a result, both will get royally screwed. And that, my friends, is what high finance is all about.

Please feel free to nominate IHTM for the Nobel Prize for Economics.

Ashton, Demi pledge to remain relevant

Check out this inauguration day “Presidential Pledge” video produced by aging starlet Demi Moore and her son husband Ashton Kutcher. It’s a perfect stage for a few big stars and a ton of wannabe big stars to reveal the depth of their newly discovered love for America. Here’s how the Moore and Kutcher describe their work:

“Reflecting Barack’s call for change, the film features over 50 of the biggest stars in Hollywood revealing how they plan to personally participate in keeping America strong, proud and green.”

We’re into pop culture in a big way here at IHTM. For god’s sake, we watch TMZ religiously and wouldn’t miss Access Hollywood and subscribe to People. But we swear we don’t recognize at least 25 of the fifty. And one more thing — did we blink and miss Clint Eastwood?

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