Tag: John Edwards

John Edwards indicted by federal grand jury: Do you really care?

OK, so John Edwards finally got indicted. We’re not really sure if we should care about this story or not.

OK, so John Edwards finally got indicted. We’re not really sure if we should care about this story or not.

On one hand, no one cares about John Edwards anymore. At least we don’t. On the other hand, we don’t mind admitting that schadenfreude occasionally rears its ugly head here at IHTM and this is one of those occasions. We kind of enjoy seeing the biggest prick this side of Anthony Weiner’s underwear getting his comeuppance.

john edwards
That's not what Rielle said, Johnny.

So as far as we’re concerned the only real news here – at least to us – is John Edwards’ real, full name:

A federal grand jury has indicted two-time presidential candidate John Edwards over massive sums of money spent to keep his mistress in hiding during the peak of his 2008 campaign for the White House.

The case of USA v. Johnny Reid Edwards contains six counts, including conspiracy, four counts of illegal campaign contributions and one count of false statements. The indictment was returned in the Middle District of North Carolina Friday.

Johnny Reid Edwards? His real name is Johnny and nickname is John? That’s backwards. But we shouldn’t be surprised because everything is backwards about this degenerate loser.

Such is his legacy.

Just for old times sake, here’s the other part of Edwards’ tattered legacy:

Source: Associated Press via Huffington Post

John Edwards: “I’m too pretty to go to jail. I’d kill myself first!”

OK, he didn’t actually say he was too pretty to go to jail, but you know that’s what he was thinking.

OK, he didn’t actually say he was too pretty to go to jail, but you know that’s what he was thinking. He surely knows that prisoners across the country are already volunteering to have him as their cellmate. And their soulmate.

The Daily Mail UK has Edwards’ tale of terror:

Disgraced politician John Edwards is said to be deeply depressed – to the point of being suicidal – over the prospect of a criminal trial that could end with him being jailed if found guilty.

The 57-year-old former Presidential candidate reportedly told a close friend: ‘I won’t go to jail. I’d kill myself first!’

He has lost 20lb in the last year and is a ‘broken spirit,’ reports the National Enquirer.

‘In early March, his legal team told him there was a strong chance he could be indicted, and John completely lost it.

‘He cried his eyes out and said, “I won’t go to jail. I’d kill myself first!”‘

…A second source told the Enquirer: ‘John isn’t hiding the fact that he’s terrified of going to prison, but he’s also extremely distraught about what will happen to his children.

Have you ever seen Shawshank Redemption, John? If not, maybe you should rent it.

Our advice: Try to look at this from a positive point of view, John. At least no one will get pregnant this time around.

Source: Daily Mail UK

John Edwards admits he’s the baby’s daddy. Plus seven other shocking headlines.

We’re shocked, absolutely shocked–John Edwards has admitted he is the baby’s daddy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DnXmy9XU5bo

And if you’re surprised by that news, you may be even more surprised by some other recent news items:

Wright Brothers achieve flight

World War II ends

Man walks on moon

Nixon resigns

Cubs lose!

Berlin Wall falls

America makes horrible political mistake

Rielle Hunter’s revenge:
Does she have a John Edwards sex tape?

Disgruntled former John Edwards aide Andrew Young now claims there is at least one tape floating around that shows his former boss engaged in sex with baby mama Rielle Hunter.

Please, God, let there be no truth to the rumor that this woman is in a sex tape
Please, God, let there be no truth to the rumor that this woman is in a sex tape

Disgruntled former John Edwards aide Andrew Young now claims there is at least one tape floating around that shows his former boss engaged in sex with baby mama Rielle Hunter.

According to the book pitch Young has been circulating among publishers, he found a video that allegedly shows the former candidate taking positions that weren’t…shall we say…part of his official platform.

According to the New York Daily News, “Young’s proposal, which one editor said ‘was impossible to put down,’ also contends that Sen. Edwards frequently clashed with running mate John Kerry during their 2004 race for the White House. And before Edwards owned up to his affair with Hunter, Young says he told him that Barack Obama had promised he’d make him attorney general if he didn’t pick him as his 2008 running mate.”

We don’t need to see the tape to know what’s on it. We’re almost willing to guarantee that at the peak of their passion, John Edwards screams out the name of his most beloved.

“I love you, John. You’re the only one I’ve ever loved.”

Source: New York Daily News

Is Brooke Shields really John Edwards’ love child?

Teri Shields has not yet denied that John Edwards is her baby daddy.
Teri Shields has not yet denied that John Edwards is her baby daddy.

According to actress Brooke Shields, the National Enquirer kidnapped her demented mother from a retirement home in New Jersey.

As keen observers of the National Enquirer, we think it’s pretty obvious that they were simply trying to determine if Brooke Shields is another John Edwards love child.

The irate Shields told People Magazine that her mother was checked out of the home by a Natonal Enquirer reporter in pursuit a “tabloid story.”

“My mother Teri Shields has been diagnosed with dementia. For her safety, she has temporarily been in a senior living facility, a very difficult decision for me,” she says. “Late Thursday afternoon, I was alerted by Old Tappan Police that my mother had been signed out of the facility by two reporters of the National Enquirer…who falsely claimed they were friends of hers.”

According to police, Teri Shields, 75, was found talking to the freelance reporter several hours later at a restaurant next door to her assisted living center.

“I intend to take every lawful action against all who were involved or who authorized this despicable act,” Brooke Shields said in her statement to People.

Yes, we know it sounds highly unlikely that John Edwards could be Brooke Shields’ father, because he was only 12 years old when she was born. But would you put anything past the guy at this point?

Source: People.com

John Edwards’ baby mamma demands DNA test

Rielle Hunter, mistress of the schmuck John Edwards and Frances Quinn, daughter of the schmuck John Edwards
Rielle Hunter, mistress of the schmuck John Edwards and Frances Quinn, daughter of the schmuck John Edwards
If John Edwards wasn’t such a complete schmuck, you could almost feel sorry for him.

His wife’s making the rounds of the media reminding everyone that he’s a schmuck who cheated on her while she is dying of cancer. And now his mistress also realizes he’s a schmuck and is demanding a DNA test to prove he’s the father of her baby.

According to the National Enquirer, which refused to let this story die when the liberal media attempted to bury it:

Rielle Hunter – the longtime secret lover of the disgraced 2-time presidential candidate – wants definitive proof that Edwards is the father of her 14-month-old love child Frances and is working with a lawyer to take legal action, say sources.



The blonde divorcee – who gave birth in February 2008 – was slammed in the explosive new book Resilience written by the ex-senator’s cancer-stricken wife Elizabeth.

The story continued:

“Rielle – probably naively – now realizes she had held onto a false promise that if she continued to take part in the cover-up John had engineered, they’d be together in the future,” a close source told The ENQUIRER.

“She was willing to protect John for the sake of the child. She agreed to allow a crony of his to claim he was the baby’s father, and she even kept the name of the father blank on the birth certificate.

“But now she can see there’s never going to be a future with John – and she feels he’s lied about his promise to keep Elizabeth from trashing her in the book,” the insider divulged.

Have we mentioned that John Edwards is a schmuck?

UPDATE: Andres Young now says there is a John Edwards and Rielle Hunter sex tape

Source: National Enquirer

National Enquirer says grand jury investigating John Edwards’ misuse of campaign funds

A federal grand jury is looking into misuse of campaign funds by former presidential candidate John “Baby Daddy” Edwards. The North Carolina scam artist allegedly used the money to pay off the mother of his love child. Attorneys will neither confirm nor deny the grand jury investigation.

We know, we know. It’s the Enquirer and you don’t want to believe a word they say. But they were the people who broke this story and hung onto it like a bulldog to a bone.

To review:

Last summer, the NATIONAL ENQUIRER caught Edwards visiting his mistress Rielle Hunter in the Beverly Hills Hilton. After vigorously denying the affair for months, Edwards admitted the affair on national television in August after the ENQUIRER published spy photos of Edwards holding his love child earlier that week.

Edwards has also denied paying either campaign staffer Andrew Young, who claims to be the child’s father or Rielle Hunter, his admitted mistress, any funds from the campaign war chest. Fred Baron, a longtime Edwards supporter, claimed to have provided the hush money. Baron died last fall.

IHateTheMedia.com will neither confirm nor deny that we always thought Edwards was a pathetic poltroon, a bloodsucking parasite, a prating coxcomb, a puny whipster, a canker on society, a carnal cur, a cream-faced loon, a decayed dotant, a jackanapes with scarves.

Thanks to the William-Shakespeare.org “Shakespeare Insult Generator” for their assistance with this story.

UPDATE: Andres Young now says there is a John Edwards and Rielle Hunter sex tape

Source: National Enquirer

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