Tag: monkey

Your tax dollars at work: Government spends $3.6 million to study dope-smoking, menstruating monkeys

National Institutes of Health (NIH), has spent $3,634,807 getting monkeys to smoke and drink drugs such as PCP, methamphetamine (METH), heroin, and cocaine.

Pardon us. We’re a bit embarrassed. We saw that headline and immediately assumed it had something to do with Florida Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman-Schultz. But, no, we were wrong.

debbie-wasserman-schultz
Much to our surprise, the story about the dope smoking, menstruating monkeys had nothing to do with Debbie Wasserman-Schultz

CNS News has the latest installment of “Let’s Piss Away Your Money On The Stupidest Crap Imaginable”:

The National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA), a division of the federal government’s National Institutes of Health (NIH), has spent $3,634,807 over the past decade funding research that involves getting monkeys to smoke and drink drugs such as PCP, methamphetamine (METH), heroin, and cocaine and then studying their behavior, including during different phases of the female monkeys’ menstrual cycles.

The study also uses “interventions” as “treatment models” for monkeys who have been taught to use drugs.

Precursor research on drug-using monkeys, also funded by NIDA, discovered that after smoking cocaine monkeys exhibited “dilated pupils and slightly agitated, hyperactive behavior”—which helped researchers conclude that the “physiological effects” of cocaine on monkeys “were similar to those reported in studies of human subjects.”

Monkeys and members of Congress are reportedly lining up to volunteer for the next phase of the experiment.

Source: CNS News

India to protect President from sinister simians with team of trained monkey catchers

Looks like the Secret Service won’t be enough to protect President Obama while he’s in India. So the Indian government has unleashed its own team of security experts – the Simian Service.

Looks like the Secret Service won’t be enough to protect President Obama while he’s in India. So the Indian government has unleashed its own team of security experts – the Simian Service.

angry-monkey
We don't know how much monkey catchers get paid in India, but it's not enough

The Times of India has the details of the deployment:

Eighty-foot-high towers being built around the ridge area in the capital are not just being erected for the security of US President Barack Obama but also to keep the monkeys in the vicinity at bay, police said.

Obama will be visiting the national capital on November 8-9 and will be staying at ITC Maurya hotel, situated near the ridge area where the monkey population is high.

“As several incidents of monkey-menace have been reported from the area, we are keeping a watch on the simians,” a police officer said.

He also said that trained monkey-catchers will also be deployed.

For god’s sake, man, if they’re this worried about the trained monkeys, what can they possibly do about the untrained monkeys?

Source: Times of India

A hilarious commercial and a life lesson: When will the IHTM Editor learn to listen to the IHTM Administrator?

Dodge used a monkey in the to advertise its annual Tent Event. PETA complained, so Dodge re-cut the commercial to address the leftist lunatics’ concerns. And it was funnier than ever.

About two weeks ago, IHateTheMedia.com’s Administrator emailed a funny commercial over to IHTM’s Editor, who promptly ignored it. (For god’s sake, man, the guy sends me 50 emails a day. I can’t pay attention to all of them.)

Now, much to the Editor’s chagrin, he saw the same commercial over at The Big Feed and found out it really was hilarious.

That being said, the Editor would like to thank The Big Feed and apologize to the Administrator.

So enough with the thanks and the apologies. Here’s the story on the commercial: Dodge used a monkey in the to advertise its annual Tent Event. PETA complained, so Dodge re-cut the commercial to address the leftist lunatics’ concerns. Here’s the original version:

And here’s the even funnier re-cut version:
Continue reading “A hilarious commercial and a life lesson: When will the IHTM Editor learn to listen to the IHTM Administrator?”

Reporter fired for his inappropriately exposing his bright blue scrotum

<b>This is definitely not Attorney General Eric Holder.</b>
This is definitely not Attorney General Eric Holder.

A Baltimore television reporter has been fired for creating the infamous John Gibson “bright blue scrotum” video.

In the doctored video, comments Gibson made on Fox News about an escaped monkey were cut together with completely unrelated comments he made about U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder.

WBAL-TV, an NBC affiliate, admitted that one of its former employee had posted the video on YouTube without its knowledge. Other media outlets revealed that the WBAL reporter responsible for the doctored video had been fired.

This seems unfair to us. What color is the attorney general’s scrotum? Do we know for sure it’s not bright blue? This is the man who has sworn to uphold the law of the land. Before the reporter is fired, shouldn’t Holder be required to produce the evidence?

Joy Behar says chimp cartoon is “an assassination threat” on Obama

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRGan85AIlAAny day now, psychiatrists are going to walk right onto the set while they’re taping The View and take Joy Behar away to a nice, padded room.

She actually said the infamous chimp cartoon is “an assassination threat” on President Obama. Seriously. She said that. We’re not making it up.

“I think you can be investigated by the FBI,” she declared, “if you make an assassination threat.”

Coming up next week on The View, Behar suggests that Angelina Jolie should adopt Little Orphan Annie, demands increased unemployment compensation for Dilbert, and congratulates Doonesbury on his enlightened drug policy.

Then, as soon as the show is over, she’ll rush off for her annual physical with Rex Morgan, M.D.

Al Sharpton goes ape over cartoon chimp

dead_monkey_cartoonNo issue can be considered truly trivial until Reverend Al Sharpton tosses in his two cents.

Now the irascible old racemonger complains that a New York Post cartoon links President Obama to a violent chimpanzee. He deems it “troubling at best,” “offensive,” and “divisive.”

The cartoon shows a bullet-ridden chimpanzee and two cops. One of the cops is holding a smoking gun. The other one says, “They’ll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill.”

The cartoon is an obvious reference to the chimpanzee that was shot and killed by Stamford, Connecticut police on Monday after it mauled a woman.

The latest news reports say the chimp often ate steak and lobster for dinner, then shared a nightly cocktail with his owner before cuddling in bed with her.

Sharpton’s way off base on this one. Looks like an obvious Bill Clinton reference to us.

Al Sharpton is a moron. Oh, wait, that’s not news.

bush_chimpReverend Al Sharpton if offended, horrified, and absolutely disgusted that a New York Post political cartoon compared – in his mind – Barack Obama to a monkey. And that comparison is RACIST.

Seemed to us that we’d seen numerous cartoons and PhotoShopped images comparing former President Bush to monkeys. So we did a few Google Image searches.

“Bush” and “simian” generated 38,000 images. “Bush” and “baboon” got 46,300. “Bush” and “orangutan” got 48,800. “Bush” and “chimpanzee” got 132,000. “Bush” and “ape” got 170,000. “Bush” and “chimp” got 182,000. “Bush” and “gorilla” got 356,000. “Bush” and “monkey” got 1,220,000.

Hard as this may be to believe, we can’t recall the good Reverend ever coming to President Bush’s defense and declaring these images racist.

We were going to end this by calling Sharpton an ignorant baboon. But we didn’t want to insult the baboon.

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