Tag: joke

Joke of the Day: Nancy Pelosi is a saint

One hot Saturday afternoon in July an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Washington, D.C…

One hot Saturday afternoon in July an aide to Nancy Pelosi visited the Cardinal of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Washington, D.C.

He told the Cardinal that Nancy Pelosi would be attending the next day’s Mass and asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the Congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint.

lightning-church
"...and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out Pelosi to the Congregation and say a few words that would include calling Pelosi a saint."

“No,” the Cardinal replied. “I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over certain of Pelosi’s views.”

Pelosi’s aide then said, “Look, I’ll write a check here and now for a donation of $100,000 to your church if you’ll just tell the congregation you see Pelosi as a saint.”

The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”

As Pelosi’s aide promised, Pelosi appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle.

At the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that Speaker Pelosi was present.

“While Pelosi’s presence is probably an honor to some,” the Cardinal said to the congregation, “the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her most egregious views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flipflop on many other issues. Nancy Pelosi is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nitwit. Nancy Pelosi is also a serial liar, a cheat and a thief. I must say, Nancy Pelosi is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the American people. She also has a reputation for shirking her Representative obligations both in Washington and in California. The woman is simply not to be trusted.”

“But when compared to President Obama,” the Cardinal concluded, “Pelosi is a saint.”

H/T: Ray

I’ll be here all week: Obama makes joke about confirmation process, but no one laughs

Obama bombed in Washington, DC on Monday. He stunk up the joint. (Sound of crickets) “That’s a joke,” he reminded the audience.

Oh, how far the mighty have fallen. There was a time, just two and a half short years ago, when the media would have hurt themselves laughing at any attempted witticism on the part of the funniest President in history.

No longer. Obama bombed in Washington, DC on Monday. He stunk up the joint.

“Back in the 80’s, Richard was also a five-time Jeopardy champion and a semi-finalist in the Tournament of Champions. Not too shabby,” President Obama said while announcing Richard Cordray’s nomination to head the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau.

“That’s why all his confirmation — all the answers at his confirmation hearings will be in a form of a question,” Obama said to silence. 


(Sound of crickets)

“That’s a joke,” he reminded the audience.

And then he concluded with, “Richard just flew in from Ohio and, boy, are his arms tired.”

Joke of the Day: The tree hugger and the tree

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Washington….

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland in Washington.

There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

old-growth-forest
She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to a local emergency room to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, “What took you so long?”

He smiled and then told her, “Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a “recreational area” so close to a waste treatment facility. I’m sorry, but due to ObamaCare they turned you down.”

Joke of the Day: It’s going to be a very cold winter

It was late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild…

It was late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a chief in a modern society, he’d never learned the old tribal secrets. He couldn’t look at the sky to predict what the winter was going to be like.

firewood
"It's going to be a very cold winter."

So just to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But after several days, he had an idea. He went to the reservation’s phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, “Will it be cold this winter?”

“Oh, yes,” the meteorologist at the Weather Service replied, “It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.”

So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. “Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?”

“Yes,” the meteorologist again replied, “It’s going to be a very cold.”

The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. “Are you sure it’s going to be very cold winter?”

“Absolutely,” the man replied. “It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.”

“How can you be so sure?” the chief asked.

“Simple,” the weatherman replied, “The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood.”

Oh, sure, you laugh. But it’s as accurate as any prediction Al Gore ever made.

We could all use a good laugh after 2010, so let’s start 2011 off with a joke

A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that strange hat you are wearing?” “Why, this is a chechia,” the father said, “and it protects my head from the desert sun.” “And…

A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”

“Why, this is a chechia,” the father said, “and it protects my head from the desert sun.”

“And what is this robe you are wearing?” asked the young man.

arab-man-boy

“It’s a djbellah,” the father replied, “and it protects my body from the desert heat.”

The son asked, “And what about those strange shoes on your feet?”

“These are babouches,” the father answered, “and they keep my feet from burning in the scorching desert sands.”

“Tell me,” said the boy.

“Yes, my son?”

“Why is it we’re living in Detroit and you’re still wearing all this shit?”

Joke of the Day: Jesus and the Democrat

We don’t often run jokes. But this one made us laugh out loud, so we thought we’d share:

We don’t often run jokes. But this one made us laugh out loud, so we thought we’d share:

A Republican entered a restaurant in a wheelchair one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. He looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”

man crutches
Another patron, a Democrat, came into the restaurant on crutches...

The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus over there?”

The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to take Jesus a cup of hot tea. “My treat,” he said.

Another patron, a Democrat, came into the restaurant on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and asked for a cold beer. He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s boy over there?”

The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. “On my bill,” he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Republican felt the strength surge back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling.

The horrified Democrat jumped to his feet and screamed, “Don’t touch me! I’m collecting disability!”

Barack Obama and Tim Geithner walk into a bar…

You’re going to wish this was a joke, but it’s not. $700,000 in $timulus money went to a Northwestern University researcher to write software that tells jokes.

You’re going to wish this was a joke, but it’s not. $700,000 in stimulus money went to a Northwestern University researcher to write software that tells jokes.

ABC 7 Chicago has the unfunny facts:

Professor Kristian Hammond says it’s serious work. But some critics say using stimulus money for this type of research is no laughing matter.

Critics say the project is simply a waste of taxpayer money. But the man behind this next-generation software say those detractors, which include Senator John McCain, have never bothered to call and ask him what his work is all about.

In a building at Northwestern in Evanston, computer sciences professor Kristian Hammond is trying to make computers funny.

“Understanding what makes humor, what makes irony, what makes interesting juxtapositions, to understand what that means we can actually create it. We can create new material,” said Hammond.

It’s all heady, academic stuff, but Hammond is trying to give computers intuition.

The next-generation software looks at news stories and social media, and brings words together to form original lines of thought — a joke, if you will.
The material generated so far is not exactly killer standup material, and Hammond’s critics certainly aren’t laughing.

The project has received more than $700,000 in federal stimulus money. Recently, Senator McCain singled out Hammond’s project, calling it a “joke machine,” one of many examples, he said, of wasteful spending.

“None of them really have any meaningful impact on creating jobs,” McCain said.

Late night comedians like David Letterman will undoubtedly line up to buy Hammond’s software. Why hire a highly-paid staff of comedy writers when a computer can crank out your nightly monologue. And it doesn’t really matter that the software doesn’t produce “killer material” because Letterman stopped being funny about 20 years ago.

Source: ABC 7 Chicago

The only things worse than Obama’s economy
are the jokes

Obama’s economy is so bad that…

Obama’s economy is so bad that…

…I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

…When I ordered a burger at McDonald’s and the kid behind the counter asked, “Can you afford fries with that?”

…CEO’s are now playing miniature golf.

…If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds,” you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

…Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

…McDonald’s is now selling the 1/4 ouncer.

…Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children’s names.

…A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

…Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

…Motel Six won’t leave the light on anymore.

…The Mafia is laying off judges and Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

And, finally…

…I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy that I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Joke of the Day: A guy walks into an adult store

A guy walks into an adult store and says he’d like to buy an inflatable doll. “I need to ask you a few questions first,” the guy behind the counter says. “Male or female?”

Super sexy inflatable Fatima now just $39.95 plus tax
Super sexy inflatable Fatima now just $39.95 plus tax

A guy walks into an adult store and says he’d like to buy an inflatable doll.

“I need to ask you a few questions first,” the guy behind the counter says. “Male or female?”

“Female,” the customer says.

“Black or white?” the clerk asks.

“White,” says the customer.

“Christian or Muslim?”

The annoyed customer says, “What the hell does religion have to do with it?”

“Very simple,” the clerk says. “The Muslim one blows itself up.”

A Sunday morning Nancy Pelosi joke

A man washed up on a desert island after a shipwreck. The only other survivors were a sheep and a sheepdog. The three of them got into the habit of going down to the beach every evening to watch the sunset…

Can you honestly say that you wouldn't make the same choice?
Can you honestly say that you wouldn't make the same choice?

A man washed up on a desert island after a shipwreck. The only other survivors were a sheep and a sheepdog.

The three of them got into the habit of going down to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds and the breeze was warm and gentle. It was a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over and put his arm around the sheep.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man took Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful tropical evening – perfect for romance. Before long the man started to get “those feelings” again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in, moved closer to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.

Nancy batted her long, lovely eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do to help.

“Yes,” he said, “Take the dog for a walk.”

Clint Eastwood walks into a bar with Al Sharpton and a rabbi…

clint_eastwoodClint Eastwood thinks political correctness has ruined society’s sense of humor. And he was just warming up. He also accused younger generations of wasting their time trying to avoid being offensive.

He told the Daily Express that he should be able to tell harmless racial or ethnic jokes without being branded “a racist.”

“People have lost their sense of humor,” Eastwood said. “In former times we constantly made jokes about different races. You can only tell them today with one hand over your mouth or you will be insulted as a racist.”

“I find that ridiculous,” he continued. “In those earlier days every friendly clique had a ‘Sam the Jew’ or ‘Jose the Mexican,’ but we didn’t think anything of it or have a racist thought. It was just normal that we made jokes based on our nationality or ethnicity. That was never a problem. I don’t want to be politically correct.

OK, have you heard this one? Tom Cruise walks into a bar with a Mexican, and a priest…

Phone’s ringing. We’ll finish that joke later.

Source: Yahoo

So Barack Obama’s in a boat with Tom Daschle and Tim Geithner…

OK, so maybe that wasn’t the joke, but after two long years the late night comedians have finally discovered comedy gold in Barack Obama. At least one of them has.

On Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, Jon Stewart devoted an entire monologue to jokes about Barack Obama. Joke after joke after joke.

Believe it or not, Jay Leno also cracked his first Obama joke. That puts him one ahead of David Letterman, Conan O’Brien, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson and Steven Colbert.

Obama jokes have been non-existent on late night TV. The man was considered untouchable. In part because the late night hosts agree with his leftwing policies. In part because they feared accusations of racism.

If these guys want really big laughs, we suggest just walk out on stage, look at the audience and say, “Joe Biden.”

We started laughing as we typed it.

I HATE THE MEDIA ™
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