Category: Magazine

comments about magazines and articles

“The War on Terror” now hate speech

Words matter according to President Obama. Especially when they might offend the sensitive terrorists of the world.

“Words matter in this situation,” Obama told Anderson Cooper, “because one of the ways we’re going to win this struggle is through the battle of hearts and minds.”

Obama thinks we can cozy up to moderate Muslims if we choose our words carefully. So “The War on Terror” is out. Instead, Obama uses inoffensive but meaningless platitudes like “the enduring struggle against terrorism and extremism.”

Obviously, with all the tax cheats running rampant in his administration, Obama hasn’t had time to work up a catchy new phrase to replace “The War on Terror.” So we’re here to help. How about:

“The Obama Thrill-O-Rama”
 or
“The Dynamite Vest Dance Recital.”
 or
“57 Virgin Tour 2009”

We’re here for you, Barack. Call us anytime.

Global warming drives people insane

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnze-_4_DpgA horribly depressed 17-year old Aussie boy was admitted last year to the psychiatric until at Melbourne’s Royal Children’s Hospital.

So worried about global warming was the young man that he refused to drink water. Australian doctors termed the condition “climate change delusion.”

“Climate change could have a real impact on our psyches,” says Paul Epstein, associate director of Harvard Medical School’s Center for Health and the Global Environment.

Experts at the IHateTheMedia.com School of Medicine have dubbed the condition Gore Syndrome. Common symptoms include delusions of grandeur, rapid weight gain, and shriveling of the portion of the brain that controls logic.

Paris Hilton endorses Obamanomics

paris_hilton_shoppingNEWS FLASH! The economy is saved. Renowned economist, heiress and attention-whore Paris Hilton has announced that she will save the world by doing what she does best – shopping.

Hilton says her income has continued unabated during the current international economic unpleasantness. Dimwitted promoters still line up to pay her big bucks to appear at their nightclubs.

She believes her economic philosophy — which can best be summarized as “Spend, spend, spend” — can revive the flagging retail industry.

“It’s really scary about the economy right now,” she told the British magazine Heat. “So the way I’m playing my part in helping is doing a lot of shopping wherever I go.”

We all owe Paris a huge debt of gratitude. And much like the national debt, it will only grow larger and never be repaid.

Christie Hefner named CNN economic centerfold of the month

Christie Hefner, daughter of doddering, octagenerian Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, has a new job. CNN announced this morning that she has been “added to our roster of economic analysts.”

Hefner breathlessly revealed her economic expertise by saying the “sense that I’m getting, in talking to CEOs, is that people are hoping for a late 2010 recovery.”

“I’ve proposed a special program called ‘The Anchors of CNN,’” Hefner might have said. “In a cost-cutting move, we’ve chosen Larry King as our first centerfold because he already had a staple in his belly.”

“I couldn’t be prouder,” said proud papa Hugh Hefner. “But can you remind me again who she is?”

Obama tells advertisers to keep their hands off his face

Looks like the honeymoon is over for entrepreneurs trying to profit from the president’s image.

“Our lawyers are working on developing a policy that will protect the presidential image,” said a White House spokesperson, “while being careful not to squelch the overwhelming enthusiasm that the public has for the president.”

Obama’s “Yes We Can” campaign is being used to promote everything from do-it-yourself furniture to low-priced airfares. But our favorite is leftwing Ben & Jerry’s “Yes Pecan” ice cream flavor.

Too bad for us. We were just getting ready to launch a gazillion dollar ad campaign using that video of Obama flipping Hilary the bird. It just seems to perfectly express the philosophy at IHateTheMedia.com.

Back to the drawing boards for us.

Show biz papers suffer bad box office

photo by Flickr's 416style
photo by Flickr's 416style

Movies aren’t the only thing that suffers from bad box office. Now Hollywood newspapers are in trouble.

The Hollywood Reporter and Daily Variety are the movie industry’s top newspapers. But the recession and increased internet competition have Hollywood questioning their survival.

The papers’ publishers say advertising has plummeted, even during the current Oscar run-up, when studios traditionally hype their movies with expensive ad campaigns.

Even worse, numerous bloggers now provide a daily diet of instantaneous internet updates.

“There’s one website that’s really killing us,” said an unnamed executive at one studio, “I hate that damn IHateTheMedia.com.”

(No one in Hollywood really said that, but a guy’s gotta dream.)

Impartial photojournalist by day, Obama employee by night

chinatownRemember that scene in “Chinatown” where Jack Nicholson roughs up Faye Dunaway until she reveals the identity of the mysterious young girl?

He slaps her and she says, “She’s my sister.” He slaps her again and she says, “My daughter.” They ping pong back and forth until Dunaway breaks down and admits the girl is daughter and her sister, the result of an incestuous relationship with her father.

Looks we have another incestuous Chinatown situation on our hands in Washington, DC. Turns out Callie Shell, a Time Magazine photographer, has been working simultaneously for Team Obama, snapping official White House photos.

We wish someone would slap Callie around a little just to see if she’ll crack as easily as Faye Dunaway did.

Slap. “I’m a completely impartial journalist.”

Slap. “I’m a biased hack.”

Slap. “I’m a completely impartial journalist.”

Slap. “I’m a biased hack.”

Slap. “Stop slapping me, wimpy boy. I already told you I was a biased hack.”

They’re unwilling to draw Obama, we’re willing to draw conclusions

by Flickr's bobster1985
by Flickr's bobster1985

What’s that? You say you haven’t seen any editorial cartoons hilariously exaggerating Obama’s physical traits? You know, like the ones that viciously attacked Bush for the last eight years. Well, don’t hold your breath.

“I had all my villains in place for eight years and they’ve been taken away,” complained Pulitzer Prize winning editorial cartoonist Pat Oliphant. “I don’t know that I’ve ever had this experience before, of a president I maybe like. This is an antagonistic art. We’re supposed to concentrate on finding things wrong. There’s no point in drawing a cartoon that’s favorable.”

Our conclusion? Journalists are the only caricatures left in journalism.

Dee Dee Myers finds new ass to kiss

vanity_fair_cover_obama1Bill Clinton’s former press secretary, Dee Dee Myers, has penned an article in the new issue of Vanity Fair in which she says Barack Obama is the most famous living person in the history of the world.

Myers made her comments only after removing her lips from Clinton’s lily white backside, where they have resided since 1995. And then in one quick, seamless move, she immediately attached those same lips to Obama’s considerably-less than lily white backside.

Is Obama the most famous person who ever lived? Here at I Hate The Media, we think not. Obama is famous only on one planet. We vote for Captain Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise, who was known throughout the galaxy.

Hah! Take that, Dee Dee Myers.

Affleck cancels Newsweek subscription

henry_paulson_newsweekActor Ben Affleck is unhappy with Newsweek. He thinks the magazine should have been far more critical of Paulson’s economic bailout plan last summer.

“Newsweek,” Affleck said, “in deciding to tell all of America that we all have to put our trust in Henry Paulson, that’s like a mediaocracy. It’s presumptuous and it damaged us in some ways.

Join Ben in his righteous battle to keep America from becoming a “mediaocracy.” Help him turn it into a “Hollywoodocracy.”

Lights! Camera! Action! Shut the hell up!

Larry King’s son wants to be black

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXJI3dpO_A4Ancient orange-haired septuagenarian talkmeister Larry King has revealed that his youngest son (from his seventh marriage) is so enamored with Barack Obama that he wants to be black.

“My younger son Cannon, he is eight,” said King. “And he now says that he would like to be black. I’m not kidding. He said there’s a lot of advantages. Black is in.”

When pressed by reporters, King also admitted his son wishes he hadn’t been named after a fat TV detective from the 70s, wishes life with his father wasn’t quite so much like “Weekend At Bernie’s,” and wishes he understood why seven women have seen fit to marry daddy.

Einstein declares Time, Newsweek clinically insane

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1MMXvU4O9OANoted physicist and amateur psychologist Albert Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

The Washington Post reports that Time and Newsweek are getting “smaller, more serious, more opinionated and, though they are loath to admit it, more liberal. They are pursuing a more elite audience, in print and on the Web, abandoning the old Henry Luce notion of catering to the masses. It is nothing less than a survival strategy.”

Time says it was marginally profitable last year, but Newsweek lost money. Time has reduced its guaranteed circulation to advertisers from 4.1 million to 3.25 million. Newsweek lowered its from 3.1 million to 2.6 million and is considering lowering it again.

Although we cannot verify it, we’ve been told the attached video may have been shot during a recent editorial board meeting at Time. Or Newsweek. Take
your choice.

I HATE THE MEDIA ™
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