The ugly truth: Ten members of Congress who couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse with a fistful of fifties

by editor on January 7, 2011

Jim VandeHei, Politico‘s Executive Editor, appeared on MSNBC’s Morning Joe and said that ugly politicians are more susceptible to … shall we say … temptations of the flesh than their better-looking colleagues.

“I’ve covered the Hill for about 16 years. The effect this place has, especially [on] men who come to Washington who are away from their families and the behavior you see at night is the behavior you often saw from our friends in college. Especially unattractive members of the Congress who have not had women show attention to them maybe since college. They come here. Power is an aphrodisiac. Suddenly they have women who are interested in them. It’s a temptation some can’t withstand.”

Scarbrough agreed, saying, “Yeah, some of the fattest, ugliest guys ….”

That got us thinking. Who are these hideous-looking human beings. So we took on our toughest assignment yet – looking through photos of every member of Congress. We used a very scientific method to determine who belonged on the list. We went through the list of official Congressional photos. We figured that if this is the way they look in photos for which they posed, this is the best they can possibly look.

The criterion were simple: We ignored those who were merely fat, or odd-looking or merely goofy-looking. Yeah, friends, we went for the damn near deformed. The barely human. The unadulterated ugly who are, according to VandeHei, soon to be often adulterated.

Let us be generous: The average Congressman is so unattractive that he couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse with a fistful of fifties. David Vitter aside, that is.

After many painful hours of looking at official photos and after a tie-breaking vote by Mrs. Editor and Mrs. Administrator, we’ve put together this list of the ten members of Congress most likely to be tempted.

al-franken

Senator Al Franken (D-MN) – Comedians say it’s easier to get laughs if you’re also funny looking. Based on that, Franken is a laugh riot.

john-kerry

Senator John Kerry (D-MA) – His friends say he looks French. Coincidentally, the French word for ugly is “laid,” something Kerry would never be if he weren’t powerful.

mark-begich

Senator Mark Begich (R-AK) – Mark put the “beg” in “Begich.” He also put the “beg” in sex, because that’s that only way he’d get any.

g-k-butterfield

Rep. G.K. Butterfield (D-NC) – This guy’s head is huge. He has more chins than the proverbial Chinese phone book. And he’s getting dangerously close to having a Hitler moustache. But other than that…

geoff-davis

Rep. Geoff Davis (R-KY) - According to legend George Washington had a set of chompers made out of wood.  This guy, it would seem, had his made out of butter.

eliot-engel

Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY) - If the whole public servant thing doesn’t pan out he can always go back to giving away free candy out of the back of his van.

tim-johnson-2

Rep. Timothy Johnson (R-IL) – Johnson looks like a mortician, which is quite a coincidence, because the only way he could get lucky before his days in Congress was to hang out at the funeral parlor and wait for the embalming process to take hold. Oh, happy Friday night!

daniel-lipinski

Rep. Daniel Lipinski (D-IL) – Something tells us that not everybody in congress can claim to have had two sets of grandparents.

frank-lobiondo

Rep. Frank LoBiondo (R-NJ) – The illegitimate love child of Tonto and Jack Webb. The high society Washington, DC babes call Frank their “little moon pie face.” They add the pie part just to be nice.

henry-waxman

Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA) - We’re pretty sure that Henry Waxman has never been laid.  Lucky for him his species is capable of reproducing asexually.  Unluckily for us his species is capable of reproducing asexually.

Rookie of the Year

blake-farenthold

Rep. Blake Farenthold (R-TX) – Did you ever see that movie “The Forty Year Old Virgin”?  Judd Apatow is still writing this guy checks.

Ugly Emeritus

alan-grayson

Rep. Alan Grayson (D-FL) – Power-loving women fawned over Alan. Was it his piñata-shaped bubble head that turned them on or simply the mysterious  gaze of a man without a frontal lobe?

chris-dodd
Senator Chris Dodd (D-CT) – Once Chris became Senator, women immediately found his “badger stuck on an electric fence” look quite appealing.

Women’s Auxiliary

maxine-waters

Rep. Maxine Waters (D-CA) -Based on this theory, Waters is boinking her brains out in Washington, DC. Which explains many of her public comments.

debbie-wasserman-schultz

Rep. Debbie Wasserman-Schultz (D-FL) – A picture may well be worth a thousand words.  But this Wasserman Schultz portrait only brings one to my mind:  Abstinence. Ironically this troll is a major champion for Planned Parenthood.

rosa-delauro

Rep. Rosa DeLauro (D-CT) – Folks back home are sure disappointed with the distinguished madam from Planet Vulcan. Her support of Obamacare and Barackonomics have guaranteed that we shall neither live long nor prosper.

shelley-berkley

Rep. Shelley Berkley (D-NV) – Whoa! Who knew that Carol Channing and Jeffrey Dahmer had a secret love child?

olympia-snowe

Senator Olympia Snowe (R-ME) – When they call politics “Hollywood for ugly people,” it’s Olympia Snowe they’re talking about. Is it just us or is it almost impossible to tell her ear from her nose?

Source: MediaBistro.com, Wikipedia

{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

KimmyQueen January 7, 2011 at 1:44 am

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Good for you to putting even Republicans on the list. However I still think that liberals have a way to hedge the amount of ugliness. Wasserman-Schultz: The first time I saw her I thought she was sick because as a man she sounded like a woman, how embarrassing it was for me to find out that she is really a woman. eek…

Jim Webster March 5, 2012 at 11:47 am

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When I first saw a photo of Debbie Wasserman Schultz, I thought she looked like a fish out of water gasping for air.

Ruben January 7, 2011 at 1:55 am

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Grayson, Franken, Lipinksi, Kerry and Waxman recently went on a field trip to a local D.C. art museum. They hadn’t been in for long when they started griping about how terrible one particular display looked. They demanded an audience with the curator.

“You call this crap art? Is this what passes as ‘modern’? Suppose this is the sort of garbage the NEA’s funding these days, is that right, Madame Curator?” was the collective question as they stared quizzically at the piece.

“No, Gentlemen” she replied, “this is a mirror.”

Jim Stewart January 7, 2011 at 2:03 am

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Sorry IHTM, this one is not funny. A posting making fun of the way people look is beneath the higher standard I’ve come to expect from IHTM. Running for Congress is not a beauty contest and if a candidate was conservative and principled I don’t care if their looks would make a freight train take a dirt road, I’m voting for ‘em.

YT January 7, 2011 at 8:09 am

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Did you read the titles for Englel, Delouro or Lipinski? Hilarious!

StrinaM January 7, 2011 at 10:20 am

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It might not be a beauty contest, but when their inner-selves are just as ugly… The comments are priceless!

Elrond Hubbard January 7, 2011 at 2:33 pm

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Okay, you’re right, but I have to make an exception for Representative Henry (Nostrils) Waxman whose politics are as ugly as his mug.

KimmyQueen January 7, 2011 at 9:43 pm

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You are in essence right. If it is a proven fact that the person is a true conservative that truly represents me then yes I would vote for him regardless of how they look like.

danybhoy January 7, 2011 at 3:26 am

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Rosa DeLauro looks like Abe Vigoda in drag…

http://www.nndb.com/people/225/000022159/vigoda.jpg

…& tell me I’m wrong.

Lee January 7, 2011 at 5:33 am

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1)Last winter people were saying the government over-hyped the whole swine flu thing but look what happened to Waxman.
2) I don`t know know what it would take to make Wasserman-Shultz attractive.
Plastic surgery wouldn`t do it…Captain and Coke cataracts maybe ?
3) Tell the truth IHTM, you photo shopped Butterfields head. That thing is huge.

Paden January 7, 2011 at 7:05 am

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Ugly is skin deep but liberal is to the bone :)

StrinaM January 7, 2011 at 8:07 am

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ROTFLMAO “The distinguished madam from Planet Vulcan!” You forgot Anthony Weiner, who gives Anthonys and Weiners a bad name.

Greg January 7, 2011 at 11:45 am

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Tim Johnson’s my Congressman, and I have to say that it’s a good thing he’s a good Congressman, because he sure ain’t Mr. Olympia. Of course, Ahhhnold was Mr Olympia, so I’ll take ugly over stupid any day.

RockingHorseGuy January 7, 2011 at 1:55 pm

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“According to legend George Washington had a set of chompers made out of wood. This guy, it would seem, had his made out of butter.”

Yeah,……….peanut butter.

matthew s harrison January 7, 2011 at 2:29 pm

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Dodd and Ted kennedy used to bang every broad they could get it in. He actually hit on my step mother at a party in which his wife was also in attendance. he is a douche of douches. All these guys make me very glad I hit a minimal amount of branches when I fell from the ugly tree!

Ray January 7, 2011 at 4:15 pm

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Oh! You are so BAD. I like it!

lizp January 7, 2011 at 5:14 pm

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How did he miss Daddy’s Little Princess? Is there any chance he could edit the list to include the shot of Lisa Murkowsky doing her best imitation of a grouper out of the water?

hisham January 7, 2011 at 9:36 pm

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You don’t understand…these people don’t know they’re ugly. They’re special. The’re Liberals…they have needs.

(Mr. Editor, I still think you photo shopped that picture of Al Franken!)

J.P. Travis January 8, 2011 at 12:11 am

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In general, Democrats are uglier than Republicans. It’s just a fact, I’m sorry:
http://www.jpattitude.com/090718.php

vegasnative January 8, 2011 at 3:21 pm

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Berkley looks even worse in person. That picture makes her look like a beauty queen!
I have to ask – how did podunk, inbred, “I walked a thousand miles, round-trip through the desert, without sunscreen, just to go to High School” Harry Reid NOT make the top 10? ;)

editor January 8, 2011 at 4:56 pm

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C’mon, Harry’s not a bad looking guy. But if we did a list of the 10 wimpiest, least masculine guys in Congress he would definitely be in the top ten.

vegasnative January 9, 2011 at 12:14 am

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LOL!

Herman King December 28, 2011 at 8:51 am

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At least ugliness is non-partisan.

Notsosilent December 28, 2011 at 9:04 am

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Not only did I spit out my coffee looking at these photos, I am going to skip breakfast, lunch and dinner….But it appears Ugly goes hand in hand with crazy…maybe we could get congress to fund a study???

SCRAMMER January 25, 2012 at 3:56 pm

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You should have included Mrs. Botox, Nancy Pelosi. I heard a rumor that whe went in for her 5,000 mile botox change. They drained out the old and found Jimmy Hoffa! So they left it alone.

RobertW January 25, 2012 at 6:03 pm

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*chuckles*

RobertW October 27, 2012 at 5:22 pm

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you’re right, this is ugly.