Christmas Thread: Santa Claus is coming to town. Who’s been Naughty and who’s been nice?

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43 Comments on "Christmas Thread: Santa Claus is coming to town. Who’s been Naughty and who’s been nice?"

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Not so silent
Member

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sifi
Member

Amazing how some dogs look identical to their owner.

Not so silent
Member

F*cking CNN is at it again…..

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Not so silent
Member
JPTravis
Member

A Frenchman, a Brit, a Mexican, and a Texan chartered a small plane to fly them over Machu Picchu but the plane was buffeted by strong mountain storms and began to lose altitude. The pilot came over the intercom and said, “We’re going to crash unless someone is willing to lighten the load by jumping out.” The Frenchman, always keen to uphold national honor, jumped up, opened the door, and turning to the others said, “Vive la France!” Then he jumped out. But the pilot came back on the intercom and said, “That wasn’t enough. We’re still too heavy. We need someone else to jump out.” So the Brit, eager to show he was as good as a Frog, walked to the door, said “Long live the queen!” and jumped out of the plane. But that still wasn’t enough. The pilot came over the intercom and said, “We need one more person to jump out. That will save the plane.” The Texan stood up slowly, saying, “Well, I guess a Texan has as much pride as a Frenchman or a Brit,” and started walking toward the door with great dignity. When he got there he shouted, “Remember the Alamo!” and threw the Mexican out the door.

sifi
Member

A different version…

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were all out on a small plane for an afternoon flight when the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the pilot’s best efforts, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot yelled out to his passengers that they’d better jump, grabbed a parachute and bailed out.
Unfortunately, that left only three remaining parachutes. Grabbing one, the doctor said, “I am a doctor and I save lives, so I must live,” and he jumped.
The lawyer then grabbed a parachute and said, “I am the smartest man in the world. I definitely deserve to live.” Then he jumped.
Looking at the young boy, the priest said, “Son, I have been fortunate to have lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace.”
Handing the parachute back to the priest, the little boy said, “Don’t worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just jumped out with my backpack!”

sifi
Member
sifi
Member

A Tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, “How much for the bronze rat ?”

“Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story,” said the wise old Chinaman.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I’ll just take the rat, you can keep the story”.

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.

A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay .

Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.

Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.

The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown .

“Ahhh,” said the owner, “You come back for story ?”

“No sir,” said the man, “I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.”

Not so silent
Member

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all chatting.

Sleeping Beauty said: “I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world.”

Tom Thumb said: “I must be the smallest person in the world.”

Quasimodo said: “I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world.”

They decided to go to the offices of the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.

Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy.

“It is official: I AM the most beautiful girl in the world.”

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, “I AM officially the smallest person in the world.”

Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply asked, “Who the hell is Nancy Pelosi?”

whiskeyriver
Member

Well, it looks like the same old miscreants are here! I haven’t been here in a while, I got tired of all the Trump bashing last year. What do you guys think now? My retirement account has grown about 22% since Trump was elected. I get a social security check every month. Life is good here at the lake! I have a new girlfriend, 20 years younger than me and hotter than a two dollar pistol! I thought I was going to have to get some Viagra if I wanted to do the hokey-pokey but nah, all it takes is a hot woman who is ready anytime.

Since this thread is about Christmas I guess I should say I have been a little naughty this year, and enjoyed every minute of it! Still taking care of my mother, she is 81 now, the fishing was good this year, been drinking a little whiskey and beer, I would say it’s been a good year. I hope everyone at IHTM has a wonderful Christmas. Remember to hug your loved ones, you never know how long you will have them with you.

MGAP
Member

Good to hear from you!

Red Robster
Member

Lone Survivor
Patriot’s Day
Dear Squids And LEOs: Jesus Keep you.Thank y’all

whiskeyriver
Member

Let’s thank the grunts, jarheads and flyboys too Red. And us shallow water sailors. Did you know that you have to be over 6 ft. tall to join the Coast Guard? If your boat sinks you can walk to the beach!

SHAGGY
Member

If being “nice” is pretty much the same thing as not committing any felonies then I guess I’m on the the nice list this year.

JPTravis
Member

All in all I was pretty nice this year but I think sexually harassing Mrs. Claus during the July 4th company picnic is gonna bite me in the ass. I told her if she kept her mouth shut I’d make sure she got a nice job feeding the reindeer instead of cleaning up behind them–“It’s a much nicer end of the reindeer,” I said–but she looked awfully angry.

MGAP
Member

Dude, you just crossed over the Franken-Lauer line. I mean, don’t get me wrong about Mrs. C. She’s a plump steamy bundle of love, but you you gotta respect the big guy here.

MGAP
Member

Wait…

Trickie
Member

Mrs Claus has me on a restraining order after that North Pole pic I sent her

JPTravis
Member

[Groan] Thank God you posted after MGAP. We don’t want to get him started, elf you know what I mean.

sifi
Member

That’s Rudolph you.

MGAP
Member

Leave it to JP to start another cupid pun thread. Yule all be getting coal in your stockings this year.

MGAP
Member

Sorry, I scrooged up that post. Trickie is the guilty party, not JP.

JPTravis
Member

That’s okay, it’s not what you say, it’s what you men… or, ah… never mind.

Red Robster
Member

Lee Majors is gonna blow MGAP away.
JP as the frogs say to cumbersome dance partner You missed le toe.
Tre bon mes ami.*

*Learned from a Stan Lee graphic magazine. India Sierra Yankee November.
Also: I hope you’ll log my comment as a stolid attempt at punnery rather than donder-patedness.

Also Also: coal is racist. Check your privilege.

MGAP
Member

I’m still trying to decipher glitterboy hiney snort post from last week. Now this…

MGAP
Member

Stop stammering. Jew can tells us what’s on your mind.

Red Robster
Member

My concern for your safety Is rael.
Lee bust a cap in some fool’s cap they go steppin out wit Miz Claus. You know whut ahm sayin?

StrinaM
Member

You all light up my life.

JPTravis
Member

I’m the star on top of the tree, right?

MGAP
Member

So, you know that means you’ve got a tree stuck up yer a**?

sifi
Member

I don’t see any pun in that.

Not so silent
Member

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Red Robster
Member

Dude! WTH?

Dave K
Member

I’ve been something of an asshole but that’s a reflection on my inlaws more than anything. Otherwise I think I’ve been pretty nice.

Now politicians, let’s just say there are plenty that are getting coal in their stockings this year, there isn’t time to list them all. I’ll just run with liberals in general and RINOs.

Joe Redfield
Guest

Sorry, coal in stockings is no longer permitted; I suggest windmills instead.

Joe Redfield
Guest

The naughty list ought to be easy, starting with Weinstein, Lauer, Keillor, Rose, all of the Clintons, Pelosi, Schumer…I could literally go on all day.

MGAP
Member

Let’s be politically ‘inclusive’ lest any new or stray readers think IHTM is a right wing nut shack. John McCaine, Lindsay Graham, Btich McConnell…

Red Robster
Member

Mo ham head

Red Robster
Member

Speaking of eating pork
“The Resoto ototo no shoku ryohin”,

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