Category: Film

film movie and TV comments about programs

Will you help Michael Moore with his next film?

Fat filmmaker Michael Moore is looking for whistleblowers of the Wall Street variety. Check the following message on corpulent corporation basher’s website:

"L" is for Loser
"L" is for Loser

Friends,

I am in the middle of shooting my next movie and I am looking for a few brave people who work on Wall Street or in the financial industry to come forward and share with me what they know. Based on those who have already contacted me, I believe there are a number of you who know “the real deal” about the abuses that have been happening. You have information that the American people need to hear. I am humbly asking you for a moment of courage, to be a hero and help me expose the biggest swindle in American history.

All correspondence with me will be kept confidential. Your identity will be protected and you will decide to what extent you wish to participate in telling the greatest crime story ever told.

We’d like to blow the whistle on the shenanigans going on here at IHateTheMedia.com, Michael, but we fear retribution by the evil mega-conglomerate that owns this website. They are vicious, scum-sucking weasels.

“The War on Terror” now hate speech

Words matter according to President Obama. Especially when they might offend the sensitive terrorists of the world.

“Words matter in this situation,” Obama told Anderson Cooper, “because one of the ways we’re going to win this struggle is through the battle of hearts and minds.”

Obama thinks we can cozy up to moderate Muslims if we choose our words carefully. So “The War on Terror” is out. Instead, Obama uses inoffensive but meaningless platitudes like “the enduring struggle against terrorism and extremism.”

Obviously, with all the tax cheats running rampant in his administration, Obama hasn’t had time to work up a catchy new phrase to replace “The War on Terror.” So we’re here to help. How about:

“The Obama Thrill-O-Rama”
 or
“The Dynamite Vest Dance Recital.”
 or
“57 Virgin Tour 2009”

We’re here for you, Barack. Call us anytime.

Porn star runs for Senate, seems perfectly qualified

stormy_danielsAdult film star Stormy Daniels says she may run against Louisiana Republican Senator David Vitter. Vitter, who was named in a Washington, DC prostitution ring, calls himself a social conservative.

“I don’t see how I can possibly embarrass him more than he already embarrassed himself…,” Daniels said. “Honestly, I’m not sure I’m willing to take the pay cut that comes with being a senator.”

This is like the old joke about the gorgeous woman who sits down next to a guy in a bar. He turns to her and says, “Would you have sex with me for $1,000,000.

“Well, that’s a lot of money,” she says. “I guess I would.”

He says, “How about $10?”

She’s shocked. She’s furious. “What do you take me for,” she says, “some kind of whore?”

“We’ve already established that,” he says, “now we’re just haggling about price.”

We know what Senators are. Why not just elect someone who’s willing to admit she’ll screw us all if the money’s right.

Global warming drives people insane

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnze-_4_DpgA horribly depressed 17-year old Aussie boy was admitted last year to the psychiatric until at Melbourne’s Royal Children’s Hospital.

So worried about global warming was the young man that he refused to drink water. Australian doctors termed the condition “climate change delusion.”

“Climate change could have a real impact on our psyches,” says Paul Epstein, associate director of Harvard Medical School’s Center for Health and the Global Environment.

Experts at the IHateTheMedia.com School of Medicine have dubbed the condition Gore Syndrome. Common symptoms include delusions of grandeur, rapid weight gain, and shriveling of the portion of the brain that controls logic.

Hollywood doesn’t like Nixon, America doesn’t like Nixon movies.

nixon_oliver_stoneIn 1995, Oliver Stone made the movie “Nixon.” It bombed, bringing in under $14,000,000. In 2008, Ron Howard added another name, made a new movie called “Frost/Nixon.” It also bombed, bringing in just under $15,000,000.

Apparently, Hollywood has decided to bring America another Nixon movie every 13 years. Whether we want them or not.

Critics say “Frost/Nixon” is filled with lies, distortions, exaggerations and what are euphemistically called “dramatizations.” For more information read the excellent Lies, Damn Lies and Dramatizations: ‘Frost/Nixon’ at BigHollywood.com.

“But the film’s about Nixon,” say Hollywood insiders, “so it’s ok if we say the most vile things we can think of. And since this is Hollywood, that can be pretty darn vile.”

We say save your money for the anticipated 2021 release of the blockbuster “Frost/Nixon/Hitler,” which according to our calculations should bring in $16,000,000.

“Nastiest human being ever” defends Christian Bale

Whoopi Goldberg, one of the loose cannons on ABC’s The View, has come to the defense of Christian Bale after his obscenity-laden recording surfaced on the internet.

“We don’t know if this (incident happened) at the end of the day, we don’t know how many hours (he had) been working,” Goldberg said. “It’s tough. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I too have gone off on people, because if you’re a professional, you know what you’re not supposed to do.”

Far be it from us to inject a personal note, but IHateTheMedia.com has a very good friend who worked with Goldberg on a project several years ago. He said, and we quote, “Whoopi Goldberg is the nastiest human being I’ve ever met.”

Unfortunately, that seems to make her the perfect character reference for Bale.

Tom Cruise is loco en le cabeza louco na cabeça crazier than hell

tom_cruise_katie_holmes_dancing1Tom Cruise doesn’t get any saner when he leaves the United States. The former super star’s latest incident occurred in Brazil while he was there promoting his latest movie.

First, Cruise tried to make points with local reporters by saying “hola” (hello) and “gracias” (thank you). Oops. That would have been dandy had Tom been in Spain, but they speak Portuguese in Brazil, not Spanish.

Then, just to make matters worse, he said he fell in love with Brazil by watching movies about the samba and the tango. Double oops. The tango is an Argentinian dance.

At that point, Cruise jumped on a couch and proclaimed his undying love of tacos and reporters slowly dispersed.

Cher says Republicans almost killed her. Can’t they do anything right?

We’ve heard for years that Republicans don’t have that killer instinct. Apparently, it’s true. Multiple plastic surgery survivor Cher says that living under Republican rule almost killed her.

And she was just getting started. She also said she can’t fathom why anyone wants to be a Republican and that President Obama’s “intelligence” and “spirit” is “so great” he will accomplish “more than anyone could possibly do.”

When asked to explain her comment that Republicans almost “killed” her, the diva was a tad hazy on details.

“My face has been stretched so tight I can barely open my lips,” she may as well have said, “but that doesn’t stop me from saying really stupid things.”

Spielberg desperate for money, will direct for food

Unbelievable. This guy’s made about a thousand movies and about a billion dollars. Yet, somehow, DreamWorks is so strapped for cash that he’s begging from studio door to studio door.

We’re not talking petty cash here, either. Reports say financially-floundering DreamWorks studio needs $250,000,000 to save its shaky Bollywood start-up.

According to Perez Hilton, Spielberg tried to change his deal with Universal at the last minute. But Universal said, “No dice.” So now the famed director has gone behind Universal’s back and hit Disney up for the money.

“Universal should have asked me about this guy,” thought Amy Irving, Spielberg’s first wife. “He did the same thing to me when he met Kate Capshaw.”

Irving didn’t really say that. We made up that part of the story. Please call off the attorneys, Steven.

Creative accounting: now Hollywood wants bail-out money

http://youtube.com/watch?v=TctjzEeNnI4The more creative you are in Hollywood, the more money you make. Especially if your specialty is accounting.

Hollywood has now lined-up with tin cups in hand, begging for an infusion of tax dollars. One provision of the “stimulus” bill would have given new film projects an immediate 50% write-off.

Republicans, lead by Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK), shamed Democrats into stripping $246 million in movie industry tax breaks from the bloated bill.

They contend Hollywood doesn’t need they money. “They had their best January ever,” Coburn said.

If one were cynical, one might assume the tax breaks were designed as a payback for the campaign dollars Hollywood showered on Obama.

To see how the Hollywood bail-out would have been structured, Democrats watched the attached instructional video.

Matt Damon even crazier than buddy Ben Affleck

Matt Damon seems to have a little trouble separating Hollywood fantasy from reality.

He’s starred in several spy movies, including a trilogy of “Jason Bourne” stories. But do not — repeat, do not — compare James Bond to Jason Bourne character while Damon’s in the room.

”They could never make a James Bond movie like any of the Bourne films,” Damon sneered. “Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He’s repulsive.”

Filmgoers seem to agree that there is no comparison. “Quantum of Solace,” the most recent Bond film, brought in a whopping $574,167,199 worldwide while “The Bourne Supremacy,” Damon’s latest effort, pulled in only $288,500,217.

Sorry, Matt. How about if you sit back, relax, swill a martini, and watch this trailer for “Quantum of Solace.”

Orson Welles. Everything Christian Bale will never be. Except dead.

Most Christian Bale fans won’t know the name Orson Welles. So please allow us to contrast the two:

Welles was called The Boy Genius. Bale isn’t.

Welles was an Academy Award-winning actor, director, writer and producer. Bale isn’t.

Welles wrote, produced, directed and starred in Citizen Kane, often called the greatest film ever made. Bale played Batman.

Welles also had a magnificent voice. In the later years of his life, he was paid obscene amounts of money to use that voice in commercials. The attached audio track is famous. It’s made up of out-takes from a London recording session in which Welles picks some unfortunate English ad agency people to pieces. But unlike Bale, he does it without losing his dignity.

Orson Welles is dead and Christian Bale is alive. Definite proof that life isn’t fair.

Please see our previous story today called Christian Bale is a stinkin’ #%&*@ to hear Bale’s audio. Contrast the two.

Christian Bale is a stinkin’ #%&*@

audio_iconA few months ago, actor Christian Bale went nuts while filming “Terminator Salvation.”

Some poor lighting guy made the mistake of walking into a shot while cameras were rolling. Bale stopped production while he publicly humiliated the poor guy, repeatedly berated him in the crudest possible terms, and despite the man’s apologies, threatened to beat him to a pulp.

TMZ.com got its hands on a tape of the incident. If you choose to listen, be prepared for some major league swearing. You’ll hear Bale screaming obscenities over and over again and threatening to quit if the guy isn’t fired.

According to TMZ, the tape was sent to the producers’ insurance firm as evidence in case Bale bailed on the film. Apparently, that is the source of the leak.

Christian Bale is #@&*% angry and someone is in big %&@!$ trouble.

WARNING: THIS AUDIO CONTAINS GRAPHIC LANGUAGE

Click Audio Icon or here to play.

UPDATE: After listening to this audio, please see our subsequent post Orson Welles. Everything Christian Bale will never be. Except dead.

Chick fight! Ashley Judd vs. Sarah Palin

Take that Sarah!
Ashley has the first move on Sarah but the fight is not over yet!

Oh, this should be good. Really good. One of Hollywood’s hottest actresses versus America’s hottest governor.

Actress Ashley Judd and Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund have teamed up to target Alaska Governor Sarah Palin’s environmental record. They’re upset because Palin allegedly promotes the aerial killing of wolves in Alaska.

“It is time,” Judd says, “to stop Sarah Palin and stop this senseless savagery.”

We have a deeply held belief that all disputes should be settled through civil discourse. To advance that cause, we believe the only way for Judd and Palin to resolve their dispute is a mud wrestling match. We’ll referee.

Please send our Nobel Peace Prize to us in care of IHateTheMedia.com.

Streisand says Obama is intelligent and smart

dumb_and_dumber1This may be obvious and apparent, but Barbra Streisand is redundant and repetitive.

“It was the most thrilling thing to watch this man Obama, Barack Obama, become the president of United States,” Streisand said. “It’s such a wonderful thing for our country and our world. He’s so intelligent and so smart.”

She made her reiterative comment while promoting the DVD release of her 25-year old flopped and failed movie Yentl.

Barbra Streisand, nutcase. But now that we think about it, that seems to be a little redundant, too.

Jimmy Carter has hot Hollywood groupie. Seriously. For real. We’re not kidding.

Consider this proof positive that Hollywood is on another planet. Actress Rene Zellweger, star of Jerry Maguire, has a crush on the worst president of the 20th century.

“I have a crush on Jimmy Carter,” Zellweger confesses. “I admit it. He has an extraordinary mind. He’s an exceptional human being. And he writes poetry, for crying out loud. He’s all good things.” Hell, she said everything except, “He had me at ‘malaise.’”

The delusional Zellweger claims she stood in line for more than two hours in bitterly cold Manhattan weather to have the former peanut farmer sign his latest book.

We’re pretty smart operators here at IHateTheMedia.com. So we quickly spotted the obvious flaw in this Hollywood story. No, not the part about the beautiful young actress being hot for a senile, shriveled old man. That’s par for the course in Hollywood.

What we don’t buy is the idea that enough people wanted this book to form a line 2-1/2 hours long.

It’s now Snow White & the Six Dwarfs. Grumpy axed.

The recession and plummeting ad sales have claimed another 200 victims as the Walt Disney Co announced layoffs.

The media and entertainment conglomerate expects to freeze 200 vacant jobs, resulting in a 5% reduction in ABC-TV’s workforce of about 6,500 to 7,000.

“After months of making hard decisions across our businesses to help us adjust to a weakening economy, we’re now faced with the harsh reality of having to eliminate jobs in some areas,” said Disney spokesperson Anne Sweeney.

Sadly, even Disneyland has not been spared the pain of the recession. Grumpy has been given his walking papers and one of the park’s most famous attractions will been renamed Snow White and the Six Dwarfs.

Jessica Simpson is a really big star (anyone have a tape measure?)

photos from dailymail.co.uk
photos from dailymail.co.uk Click photo to go there
Where’s that internet kid who became famous for crying his eyes out and screeching, “Just leave Britney alone.” Jessica Simpson is looking for him.

The photo on the left was taken this week as Jessica opened for Rascal Flatts in Greenville, South Carolina. The photo on the right was taken in another galaxy long ago and far away.

We refuse to be drawn into this sordid controversy. Here at I Hate The Media, we like to keep ourselves above the tawdry, everyday issues that concern small-minded people.

But we sure would enjoy the hell out of it if you’d add a funny photo caption to our comment section.

Spike Lee says, “If Bush did it, don’t do it!”

Angry film director Spike Lee has a simple plan for restoring America to the glory that was Clinton. Bill, that is. It boils down to this: if Bush did it, don’t do it.

Lee shared his wisdom at the Creative Coalition’s pre-inaugural ball dinner.

“Look, I’m not an economist,” Lee admitted. “He has people with him, and they are gonna do it…Everything (Bush) did, don’t do!”

Does anyone have an Oslo phone book handy? We need to call the folks at the Nobel Prize headquarters and nominate this guy for something. How about Nobel Prize for Stupid?

Benicio Del Toro is full of bull

Droopy-eyed actor Benicio Del Toro just completed a new film that glorifies Che Guevera, Fidel Castro’s ruthless henchman.

Critics say the film whitewashes Che’s violent legacy by emphasizing the “romantic” parts of his life, but ignoring the violent, ruthless parts.

“We can’t cover it all,” Mr. del Toro said. “You can make your own movie.”

“Benicio del Toro is just one of the many accomplices of the Cuban tyranny,” said Armando Valladares, the Cuban dissident imprisoned by Castro. “All the murderers of people have had accomplices and people who made excuses for them. Stalin had them, Hitler had them, Pinochet had them, all the dictators have had apologists for them. Che Guevara and Fidel Castro also had them.”

The English translation of “Del Toro” is “of the bull,” making Benicio the most appropriately named person in Hollywood.

Affleck cancels Newsweek subscription

henry_paulson_newsweekActor Ben Affleck is unhappy with Newsweek. He thinks the magazine should have been far more critical of Paulson’s economic bailout plan last summer.

“Newsweek,” Affleck said, “in deciding to tell all of America that we all have to put our trust in Henry Paulson, that’s like a mediaocracy. It’s presumptuous and it damaged us in some ways.

Join Ben in his righteous battle to keep America from becoming a “mediaocracy.” Help him turn it into a “Hollywoodocracy.”

Lights! Camera! Action! Shut the hell up!

Please make Kate Winslet shut up

Winslet recently won double Golden Globes and last night won a Screen Actors Guild award.Yet she always gets to the podium and can’t shut up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zonv-VNW5qkNo matter how many awards Kate Winslet wins, she never knows what to say.

Winslet recently won double Golden Globes and last night won a Screen Actors Guild award. Yet she always gets to the podium, clutches her award like it’s struggling to get away, quickly becomes overcome with emotion and announces that she doesn’t know what to say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MDhTcTImjQ “It is really an honor to be included in such a remarkable year and [to] be acknowledged by my peers in this way,” Winslet said last night. “”I’m a little bit lost for words. I’m sorry.”

Here’s a really creative tip thats works for us every time we pick up our Pulitzer Prize: 3 x 5 cards. Try ‘em, Kate.

By the way, we really enjoyed saying “Kate Winslet” and “double Golden Globes” in the same sentence. We hope you enjoyed reading it.

Robert Redford more wrinkled than ever

shar-peiIt was business as usual at Sundance, the 11-day filmfest staged by Sharpei-like leftwing Hollywood hunk Robert Redford.

Stars, directors, presenters, winners, losers, popcorn vendors, one-and-all, took to the stage to condemn anything and everything middle America values.

For example, Sundance Institute executive director Ken Brecher, hosted an honorary festival pass emblazoned with the name Barack Obama.

Presenter Joseph Gordon-Levitt, best known for his role as one of the stupid aliens on Third Rock From the Sun, displayed his Barack Obama T-shirt and said, “These awards are exercises in democracy, and it’s a good time for democracy right now.”

He’s right. It is time for democracy. All those in favor of Robert Redford getting a facelift, please raise your hands.

Chris Matthews hates witches. And the Constitution

You could fill one of those big, heavy 3-ring binders with a list of nutty comments made by Chris Matthews, host of CNBC’s “Hardball.” But his latest comment may just earn him a ticket straight to the Wacko Wing in the Broadcasting Hall of Fame.

Matthews was discussing a call by Rep. John Conyers (D-Michigan) for a war crimes trial for Bush administration officials and terrorist detainee interrogators.

“Why,” Matthews asked, “would a show trial or witch hunt be bad?”

To that, we say absolutely nothing, Chris. Nothing at all wrong with a little witch hunt. We say that darn constitution is more than 200 years old now and it’s about time we get a new one. Let’s ask the Chinese if they have an extra one they’ll sell us.

Tom Hanks Apologizes to Mormons

tom hanks fireHollywood icon Tom Hanks is sorry for calling Mormons who supported California’s gay marriage ban “un-American.”

“Everyone has a right to vote their conscience; nothing could be more American. To say members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints who contributed to Proposition 8 are ‘un-American’ creates more division when the time calls for respectful disagreement. No one should use ‘un-American’ lightly or in haste. I did. I should not have.”

Hanks concluded his sensitive remarks by saying, “To show how much I love Mormons, I’d like to buy every one of them a beer.” He didn’t really say that. We made it up.

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