Capone got prison, Daschle gets an appointment

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Death is the only thing keeping notorious Chicago tax cheat Al Capone from joining the Obama administration.

When the Obama administration learned that Tom Daschle had cheated on his taxes, one administration official reportedly said, “He’s our kind of guy.”

Add up Daschle’s unreported income from the use of a luxury car and chauffeur in 2005, 2006 and 2007, unreported consulting income in 2007, and reductions in his charitable contributions, and the would-be head of Health & Human Services under-reported his income by $353,552.

Amazingly, Daschle suddenly got religion, filed amended tax returns, and paid $140,167 in unpaid taxes on January 2 of this year.

And that’s not the end of it. The Finance Committee staff still is reviewing other possible “under-reporting” of income by Daschle.

The Obama administration said they were 100% behind Daschle. But forensic accountants estimate the number is probably closer to 120%. Only an audit can reveal their real level of support.

CNN reports Hamas propaganda without comment

CNN, which rarely hesitates to share its opinions, issued a story Sunday in which the leader of Hamas praised Iran for helping them achieve “victory” over Israel in Gaza.

“The victory of the people of Gaza was a miracle of God and the Islamic Republic definitely has a share in this victory,” Hamas leader Khaled Meshaal said after meeting with Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. CNN credits the quote to Iran’s Fars News Agency.

The only nod to reality in the lengthy article was the use of quotation marks around the word “victory” in its headline and again in the body of the story.

In related news, CNN issued a series of stories praising Custer for his victory at the Little Bighorn, Germany for its victory in World War II, and the Arizona Cardianals for their impressive victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLIII.

The Audacity of Dope. Obama’s brother busted for pot.

obama_dope

George Obama, half-brother of President Barack Obama, has been arrested and charged him with marijuana possession.

This is the same half-brother who several months ago was found to be living in a small shack in the slums of Nairobi. At the time, he said his annual income was less than $20.

The officer in charge of the investigation said Obama was arrested on charges of possession of cannabis (or “bhang” as its known in Kenya) and resisting arrest. He is scheduled to arraigned on Monday.

“They took me from my home,” he said from his jail cell, “I don’t know why they are charging me.”

“If Timothy Geithner can cheat on his taxes and become Secretary of the Treasury,” George could have said, “this should qualify me to become head of the Drug Enforcement Administration. I can start as soon as the trial is over.”

CBS reveals reasons for GOP opposition

Are you sitting down? If not, please do. Because we are about to say something so shocking you may drop over in a dead faint.

CBS has earned the distinction of being the first broadcast television network to list some of the outlandish spending provisions that caused Republicans in the house to unanimously vote against the so-called “stimulus” bill. Yes, you read that correctly. CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

“The Republicans’ biggest complaint about the stimulus bill,” Harry Smith noted, “is it just gives Democrats an excuse to make government bigger.”

“If you are one of those taxpayers who does not want to spend $25 million to repair ATV trails, or $150 million for agricultural losses like damaged beehives,” reporter Wyatt Andrews stated, “then you’ll understand why no Republican supported the stimulus in the House and why most Republicans are trashing it in the Senate.”

“Anything that Congress couldn’t afford before,” Andrews continued, “$50 million to support the arts, or $70 million to help people stop smoking, has found its way into the stimulus now.”

CBS News providing actual news. Now that’s what we call news.

Bad times at the LA Times. Will the last one out the door kindly turn out the lights?

And the story hits home for the LA Times
And the story hits home for the LA Times

Does anyone remember when the Los Angeles Times was a great newspaper? Nah, we didn’t think so.

The paper has announced yet another round of lay-offs. This time it’s cutting 300 more jobs and will shrink the number of daily sections from five to four.

Democrats breathed a big sigh of relief when the Times announced that no cuts will be made to its slanted, irresponsible reporting.

“We owe it to the community to maintain our high level of biased reporting,” a Times spokesperson could have said. “For more than 100 years, Los Angeles has depended on The Times as its source for half-truths, blatant lies, and innuendo. That’s a responsibility we take very seriously.”

Lauer’s pre-game propaganda

photo by Flickr's theotherway
photo by Flickr's theotherway

Turns out we hate the media more than ever on Super Bowl Sunday.

That’s because Matt Lauer achieved what medical experts have always
considered to be anatomically impossible by interviewing President Obama’s
while his lips were firmly planted on the president’s butt.

Sadly, NBC turned a 12-minute portion of its programming over to Matt Lauer and President Obama for a little Super Bowl pre-game propaganda.

Had the interview had been strictly about football, it might have seemed
more reasonable. But it strayed rather quickly into an opportunity for Obama
to discuss the war in Iraq and his economic stimulus package.

Does anyone recall a similar cloying interview with President Bush prior to
earlier Super Bowl games?

We don’t.

Do Bruce Springsteen a favor. Don’t buy his CD at Wal-Mart.

photo by Y0si
photo by Y0si

Bruce Springsteen now says he shouldn’t have made a deal to sell his greatest hits CD exclusively at Wal-Mart.

Fans criticized The Boss because Wal-Mart has been accused of unfair labor practices. Springsteen, on the other hand, has always supported workers’ rights.

“It was a mistake,” Springsteen said. “Our batting average is usually very good, but we missed that one. Fans will call you on that stuff, as it should be.”

Maybe The Boss has a point. Don’t buy his new CD at Wal-Mart. In fact, don’t buy it anywhere.

We’re here for you, Brucie.

You’ve been screwed by Barney Frank. And we have it all on video.

If you’re anything like us, you’ve probably wondered if there’s something network TV news hasn’t been telling us about the financial crisis. Like what really caused it. And who really caused it. CBS hasn’t told the whole story. Neither have ABC, NBC, CNN, nor MSNBC.

Luckily, we have Fox News. Here’s a tremendous video timeline put together by Fox News that shows exactly who did what to whom and when.

This video strips Barney Frank bare and exposes him to the world. (We sincerely apologize for the hideous images that sentence brings to mind.)

California do-gooders want to ban flat screen TVs

plasma_tvWe hate the media. You hate the media. But we love our TVs more than our wives. That’s why this story is so infuriating.

California regulators want to ban the sale of plasma and LCD TVs because “they use too much energy.” The new rules could cost the state up to $130 million in sales and income taxes annually. So if the greens get their way, they’ll drive the state even further into the red.

Sales of plasma and LCDs, which account for 90% of new TV sales, would be outlawed in California as soon as the rules go into effect.

In a really brilliant public relations move, they made this announcement just before the Super Bowl, the day when record numbers of Americans will be gathered around their new flat screen TVs.

By the way, we’re taking Arizona and the points.

Jimmy Carter has hot Hollywood groupie. Seriously. For real. We’re not kidding.

Consider this proof positive that Hollywood is on another planet. Actress Rene Zellweger, star of Jerry Maguire, has a crush on the worst president of the 20th century.

“I have a crush on Jimmy Carter,” Zellweger confesses. “I admit it. He has an extraordinary mind. He’s an exceptional human being. And he writes poetry, for crying out loud. He’s all good things.” Hell, she said everything except, “He had me at ‘malaise.’”

The delusional Zellweger claims she stood in line for more than two hours in bitterly cold Manhattan weather to have the former peanut farmer sign his latest book.

We’re pretty smart operators here at IHateTheMedia.com. So we quickly spotted the obvious flaw in this Hollywood story. No, not the part about the beautiful young actress being hot for a senile, shriveled old man. That’s par for the course in Hollywood.

What we don’t buy is the idea that enough people wanted this book to form a line 2-1/2 hours long.

Begala calls Limbaugh “a corpulent drug addict”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYBe2PUgHh8After former Maryland governor Michael Steele was named Republican National Committee chairman, CNN’s ever-pleasant Paul Begala said, “The real leader of the Republican Party in America today is a corpulent drug addict with an AM radio talk show, Rush Limbaugh.”

He continued by saying Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is “very bitter, and divisive,” that George W. Bush was a “spectacularly lazy president,” and “Obama is stylistically much more like Reagan.”

Then Begala said, “Look at the pretty birdies. I like the pretty birdies. The pretty birdies make me happy.” At which point his caretakers took him back to his nice, padded room.

Nancy Pelosi loves Obama’s package

She's never seen such a big package
She's never seen such a big package

An entry from Nancy Pelosi’s diary: “I couldn’t take my eyes off the tall, dark man across the room. I wasn’t ashamed of what I thought. ‘Barack has the biggest package I’ve ever seen. I know big pork when I see it. And I want Barack’s pork.'”

And then the House of Representatives voted and Nancy’s dream came true. She and her fellow Democrats passed the biggest, most pork-laden spending bill in the history of the world.

Immediately after the House of Representatives’ vote on President Obama’s stimulus package, the media began furiously spinning the results.

“Republicans voted along party lines.”

“Not one Republican voted for the president’s stimulus.”

“Republicans deny president’s bipartisan effort.”

The final tally? 177 Republicans and eleven Democrats voted “no.” 244 Democrats and zero Republicans voted in favor of the bill.

But Nancy didn’t care. She got her pork.

Show biz papers suffer bad box office

photo by Flickr's 416style
photo by Flickr's 416style

Movies aren’t the only thing that suffers from bad box office. Now Hollywood newspapers are in trouble.

The Hollywood Reporter and Daily Variety are the movie industry’s top newspapers. But the recession and increased internet competition have Hollywood questioning their survival.

The papers’ publishers say advertising has plummeted, even during the current Oscar run-up, when studios traditionally hype their movies with expensive ad campaigns.

Even worse, numerous bloggers now provide a daily diet of instantaneous internet updates.

“There’s one website that’s really killing us,” said an unnamed executive at one studio, “I hate that damn IHateTheMedia.com.”

(No one in Hollywood really said that, but a guy’s gotta dream.)

FCC commissioner warns against Fairness Doctrine

robert_mcdowellWe feel a chill wind blowing. And we’re not alone. FCC commissioner Robert McDowell has issued a stern warning about the dangers of re-imposing the fairness doctrine.

McDowell warned that when the doctrine’s supporters finally bring it out of the shadows, it may not “wear the same label. That’s just Marketing 101: if your brand is controversial, make a new brand.” He suggested that it could be disguised with names like localism, diversity or network neutrality.

If it’s an alias they want, there’s one obvious one: The Hush Rush Doctrine.

Fox News loves Obama. In a manly sort of way.

When the most recent ratings came out, they probably popped a bottle of champagne at Fox News and toasted our new Fearless Leader. The number one news network’s ratings have soared since Obama was inaugurated.

Here’s a look at the top ten cable TV shows for January 28, 2009

Network    Program         Total Audience

Fox News    O’Reilly             3,891,000

Fox News    Hannity            3,034,000

Fox News    Beck                 2,306,000

Fox News    Shep Smith       2,299,000

Fox News    Greta                2,155,000

MSNBC        Olbermann       1,581,000

CNN            Cooper              1,559,000

CNN            Blitzer               1,490,000

CNNHN        Grace               1,435,000

CNN            King                 1,420,000

While they were celebrating at Fox, Keith Olbermann was put on suicide watch over at MSNBC.

Rachel Maddow thinks snow in Dubai caused by global warming

The skier siting next to Rachel Maddow on the ski lift in the Duabi snow park reports she told him, "See, see! Global warming even works indoors."
The skier siting next to Rachel Maddow on the ski lift in the Duabi snow park reports she told him, "See, global warming even effects the indoors."

Here at I Hate The Media, we’re pretty well known for our sensitivity. So we want to make sure we say this delicately, so as not to offend.

Aw, the hell with it.

Rachel Maddow is out of her mind. It snowed in Dubai this week and the queen of MSNBC blamed it on global warming.

“Some big global warming news today. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton named a special envoy today for climate change…And if that’s not big enough news on climate change, how about this. It snowed in Dubai. Yeah, in the United Arab Emirates. And it’s not the fake, fluffy stuff they make for an indoor ski resort neither. These were big, chunky snowflakes falling on a mountain in the United Arab Emirates for only the second time in recorded history. The occurrence this weekend was so rare that local residents say they do not have a word for snow in their local dialect.”

Our correspondent in Abu Dhabi, which is right next door to Dubai, reports that local residents do have words for “Nuttier than a fruitcake.”

Stimulus package “unstimulating”

We’ve got trouble in River City. And the river is the Potomac. And the city is Washington, DC.

Looks like even leftwing puppets Jim Cramer and Chris Matthews are questioning the stimulus bill’s meager infrastructure spending.

“Take the infrastructure number. Do you know that it’s $30 billion for infrastructure for bridges?” Cramer queried. “The ‘Big Dig’ cost $22 billion…and it only put 5,000 to work…It’s not gonna put a lot of people to work.”

“Why in the world aren’t we doing what they said they were going to do – build bridges, factory jobs, replace the smell of decay with the smell of construction?” Matthews said.

Matthews went on to say other things — many other things, in fact — interrupting Cramer and other guests and complete strangers, but it was all so incoherent that we won’t bother quoting it here.

Hell, we’re still wondering what “the smell of construction” might be.

Bush gets standing O (The “O” doesn’t stand for Oprah or Obama)

The fans at this game couldn't be any more excited than the ones who gave President Bush a standing ovation.
The fans at this game couldn't be any more excited than the ones who gave President Bush a standing ovation.
After bashing former President Bush for the last eight years, this isn’t a story you’re likely to see on the evening news.

The former President and his wife Laura attended the big women’s basketball game between No. 2 Oklahoma and No. 4 Baylor.

As they entered the arena with Lady Bears coach Kim Mulkey, they received a long, loud standing ovation from the fans. They were lost in a sea of photographers and camera crews.

Later in the game, the former president was introduced during a TV timeout, and was greeted with another hearty round of applause.

Democrat operatives immediately accused Karl Rove of orchestrating the entire event.

It’s now Snow White & the Six Dwarfs. Grumpy axed.

The recession and plummeting ad sales have claimed another 200 victims as the Walt Disney Co announced layoffs.

The media and entertainment conglomerate expects to freeze 200 vacant jobs, resulting in a 5% reduction in ABC-TV’s workforce of about 6,500 to 7,000.

“After months of making hard decisions across our businesses to help us adjust to a weakening economy, we’re now faced with the harsh reality of having to eliminate jobs in some areas,” said Disney spokesperson Anne Sweeney.

Sadly, even Disneyland has not been spared the pain of the recession. Grumpy has been given his walking papers and one of the park’s most famous attractions will been renamed Snow White and the Six Dwarfs.

Obama friends pile up ethics violations “with lightning speed”

Daschle, Richardson, Clinton and Blogojevich seen fleeing from ethics charges.
Daschle, Richardson, Clinton and Blogojevich seen fleeing from ethics charges.

When the new Obama administration said it would act with lightning speed in its first hundred days, no one knew they were talking the speed with which their friends would pile up ethics violations.

First, Illinois governor Rod Blogojevich was busted for attempting to sell Obama’s senate seat the highest bidder.

Then, New Mexico governor Bill Richardson had to withdraw from consideration as Commerce Secretary due to similar “pay to play” accusations.

Then, Hilary Clinton was named Secretary of State despite the obvious conflicts presented by her husband’s acceptance of millions of dollars from foreign governments.

Then, Timothy Geithner was confirmed as Secretary of the Treasury despite cheating on his taxes.

And yesterday Tom Daschle, Obama’s nominee for head of Health & Human Services, had to pay $140,000 in back taxes and interest for limousine and chauffeur services given to him by a wealthy donor.

Doesn’t this Obama guy have any honest friends?

Dennis Miller says Al Gore is a doofus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAc4H7JTzW8While Senators of both parties bowed and curtsied to Al Gore, Dennis Miller used his sharply-honed analytical skills to determine that the man is a doofus, not a genius.

“He’s a bit of a doofus,” Miller observed. “He’s got too much of his personal salvation tied up in this for me to just take him at face value and think, well, it must be so. Al Gore said it.”

“Since the people of Tennessee essentially kept him from getting the White House, the people who knew him the best,” Miller continued, “I think that crushed his soul. I think he’s looking for something to brace himself up…I think at the core of it he’s a guy who’s guessing and must have some trepidation deep within that he’s clumsily overplayed this hand.”

There’s only one person in the world funnier than Dennis Miller. That person is, of course, Al Gore. He just doesn’t know he’s being funny.

Weather Channel founder says global warming “greatest scam in history”

Weather Channel van experiencing global warming first hand in Times Square. Photo by Flickr's condour
Weather Channel van experiencing global warming first hand in Times Square. Photo by Flickr's condour

John Coleman, founder of the Weather Channel says global warming is a “hoax” and “bad science” and that Al Gore refuses to admit his cause is based on bad research.

“I am totally convinced there is no scientific basis for any of it,” Coleman said. “Global Warming. It is the hoax. It is bad science. It is a high-jacking of public policy. It is no joke. It is the greatest scam in history.”

Al Gore reportedly responding by saying, “The Weather Channel? Hah. Everyone knows you can’t trust a TV weatherman.”

Couric wonders “What more can Obama do?”

question_markThe economy may be in a recession, but the network news anchors were thrown into full scale depression when House Republicans unanimously rejected Obama’s stimulus bill.

“The President went up to the Hill to personally appeal to Republicans already,” Katie Couric sighed. “What more can he do?”

“Republicans relentlessly attacked the bill,” wailed CBS reporter Chip Reid, “despite the President’s extraordinary efforts to get bipartisan support.”

“Not one Republican voted for it,” whimpered ABC anchor Charles Gibson, “turning a cold shoulder to the President’s appeal for bipartisan support.”

So much for the President’s charm offensive,” said reporter Jonathan Karl. “Today it was all partisan rancor and name-calling.”

We hope the president’s universal healthcare plan calls for universal Valium prescriptions. Looks like the news anchors are going to need it.

Brilliant anti-abortion commercial banned by NBC

Here at I Hate The Media, we know a thing or two about advertising. Like, for example, we know a great commercial when we see it.

NBC has rejected a Super Bowl commercial created by a Catholic advocacy group. The ad, which can be seen here (to the left) is simple, riveting, and features a surprise twist. Consider it proof that a great commercial doesn’t have to cost millions of dollars.

No matter what position you take on the abortion issue, this commercial is a simple, powerful piece of communication.

Watch it.

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