The final score: Limbaugh 188, Olbermaniac 0

rushlimbaugh_cigarThe voices in Keith Olbermaniac’s head must be angrier than usual this morning.

“In his inaugural address,” Olbermann crowed two days ago, “the President essentially tried to create a wedge between those who are reasonable and those who are not. Of course, he was talking about the Muslim world. Is it possible in this different context that he’s trying to do the same as he seeks bipartisanship with the Republicans. Sort of, you know, separate Mullah Limbaugh from the herd?”

The smirk on Olbermann’s face revealed just how clever he thought he was for making this observation.

Then two things happened.

First, Rep Phil Gingrey (R-GA) appeared as a guest on Limbaugh’s program yesterday, and humbly apologized for telling Rush to “back off” congressional Republican leaders.

Then, instead of separating themselves from Limbaugh, House Republicans unanimously voted against Obama’s economic “stimulus” package. And in what must have been even more frustrating for Olbermaniac, 11 Democrats crossed the aisle to vote against it.

It appears that Mullah Limbaugh has issued the symbolic equivalent of a fatwah against infidel Olbermann.

NY Times calls liberal senator “too conservative”

new_yorker_magAs if attempting to prove the truth of that old New Yorker cartoon that shows nothing of any consequence beyond the friendly confines of Manhattan, the New York Times has condemned liberal Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand for being too conservative.

Apparently, Gillibrand hasn’t toed the party line quite as strictly as they would like. Can you imagine the gnashing of teeth at the DNC when they found out she has a 100% lifetime rating from the National Rifle Association, voted against TARP, supports the death penalty, and is pro-life? Yet despite those “conservative” positions, Gillibrand considers herself a liberal.

We’re sure the Times has nothing to worry about, because Gillibrand’s liberal re-education has already begun. She announced that she is going to visit Harlem with Rev. Al Sharpton “to become more enlightened about gun control.”

Our opinion: the terms “Al Sharpton” and “enlightenment” are mutually exclusive.

Networks ignore 300,000 pro-life march

march_for_lifeYou’ve seen it happen a thousand times. Half a dozen nitwits show up for a liberal protest and the evening news makes it look as if they numbered in the thousands.

Yet last week, when 300,000 people showed up at the annual March for Life in Washington, DC, the nets were able to make it look as if the attendance was zero. Because ABC, CBS, NBC, and PBS completely ignored the event. So did the print editions of Time and Newsweek.

“If 50,000 feminists had gathered on the Mall in D.C., to demand passage of the so-called Freedom of Choice Act,” a spokesman said, “it would have been above-the-page-one-fold coverage in The Times, accompanied by an aerial photo of the crowd.”

Look for it right next to the story about how much Michelle Obama’s dress cost. And right above the story about how conservatives want to starve old people.

Washington Post mocks deification of Gore

magic_8_ballTemperatures may have been freezing in Washington, DC yesterday, but the reception Al Gore got from the Washington Post was even chiller.

They dubbed him The Goracle, poked fun at his pompous predictions, laughed at his tortured phraseology, and cackled about kowtowing interrogators. They said:

“Mostly, however, the lawmakers took turns asking the Goracle for advice, as if playing with a Magic 8 Ball.”

“Prospects for regulating a future carbon emissions market? ‘There’s a high degree of confidence.’ The future of automobiles in China and India? ‘I wouldn’t give up on electric vehicles.’ The potential of solar power in those countries? “’I have no question about it at all.’”

We got out our Magic 8-Ball and asked it a few questions. This thing’s good.

Is Al Gore a pompous ass? “Signs point to yes.” Is global warming some kind of scam? “It is decidedly so.” Is this article about finished? “Without a doubt.”

Gays Ga-Ga Over Andrea Mitchell. No, seriously.

Andrea Mitchell feeling gay!
Andrea Mitchell feeling witty, oh so witty, oh so witty and pretty and gay

Believe it or not, veteran NBC News reporter Andrea Mitchell is an icon within the gay community.

(We’ll pause here for a moment to let you reflect upon that last sentence. Perhaps you may even want to re-read it for fear that you misread it the first time).

To repeat, veteran NBC News reporter Andrea Mitchell is an icon within the gay community.

“She’s the Golden Girls rolled into one,” one gay reporter noted. “The body of Sophia, the sassiness of Dorothy and probably a sex kitten like Blanche, and most likely from the Midwest like Rose.”

Pick whatever icons you want. But for god’s sake, guys, this woman is a thousand years old, has a grating voice, and her face looks like a pillow case that was left in the dryer too long.

Isn’t one Barbara Streisand enough for the gay community?

Rahm Emanuel makes daily, secret calls to media pals

Rahm uses his secure phone to call his media buddies
Rahm Emanuel cleverly uses his secure phone to make secret calls to his media pals

As the sun comes up each morning, Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s chief of staff, calls his pals in the media – CNN’s James Carville and Paul Begala, ABC’s George Stephanopoulos, and pollster Stan Greenberg.

That was no problem last month, but Emanuel is now President Obama’s Chief of Staff, and the calls have now taken on an air of conspiracy. Where’s the shock and outrage and the suggestion that Emanuel is coordinating media coverage?

From our perspective, two things surprise us about this story.

First, that no one has objected to this “cozy” relationship between the president’s chief of staff and members of the media.

And second, that Emanuel has four friends.

Obama has giant brain. Brian Williams no so much.

NBC News anchor Brian Williams is very pleased that Barack Obama is our new chief executive. But not so pleased, mind you, that it influences his work.

Just as we were beginning to worry about Williams’ impartiality, he reassured us that “none” of his personal enthusiasm about Obama’s presidency “is about a party” since “none of us have a party in my line of work. We all try to call balls and strikes down the center.”

Then Williams impartially noted that “we have a dazzling family in the White House” and stated that Obama “has an enormous brain.”

If brain size is now a reason to vote for a presidential candidate, let us be the first to say, “Brainiac 2012.”

Jessica Simpson is a really big star (anyone have a tape measure?)

photos from dailymail.co.uk
photos from dailymail.co.uk Click photo to go there
Where’s that internet kid who became famous for crying his eyes out and screeching, “Just leave Britney alone.” Jessica Simpson is looking for him.

The photo on the left was taken this week as Jessica opened for Rascal Flatts in Greenville, South Carolina. The photo on the right was taken in another galaxy long ago and far away.

We refuse to be drawn into this sordid controversy. Here at I Hate The Media, we like to keep ourselves above the tawdry, everyday issues that concern small-minded people.

But we sure would enjoy the hell out of it if you’d add a funny photo caption to our comment section.

Party with a prostitute, prostitute with a party

photo by David Paul Ohmer
photo by David Paul Ohmer
Media bias is alive and well in Chicago.

In a recent story about Windy City prostitution, the Chicago Sun-Times ignored Democratic New York Governor Eliot Spitzer’s party affiliation (he’s a Democrat), but felt it was important to point out that the hooker is a Republican.

Although the article noted that Spitzer was forced out of office “after it became public that he met for over two hours with a $1,000-an-hour prostitute,” his party affiliation was unmentioned.

But when it came to the hooker, the article said, “Public records show she is a registered Republican and holds a hunting license in Nevada.”

Considering the massive debt with which Spitzer left as his legacy, the case can easily be made that he screwed the people of New York for far more than $1000 an hour.

Cold water thrown on global warming alarmist

photo by Flickr's Rick
photo by Flickr's Rick

James Hansen, one of Al Gore’s closest allies, has given thousands of speeches and written enough papers to kill a medium-sized forest. Yet he repeatedly says he was muzzled by the Bush administration.

Oops. Hansen’s former boss, retired senior NASA atmospheric scientist, Dr. John Theon, says Hansen’s claims are nonsense.

“Hansen was never muzzled even though he violated NASA’s official agency position on climate forecasting (i.e., we did not know enough to forecast climate change or mankind’s effect on it). Hansen thus embarrassed NASA by coming out with his claims of global warming in 1988 in his testimony before Congress,” Theon said.

Damn those inconvenient truths! Damn them to hell!

Spike Lee says, “If Bush did it, don’t do it!”

Angry film director Spike Lee has a simple plan for restoring America to the glory that was Clinton. Bill, that is. It boils down to this: if Bush did it, don’t do it.

Lee shared his wisdom at the Creative Coalition’s pre-inaugural ball dinner.

“Look, I’m not an economist,” Lee admitted. “He has people with him, and they are gonna do it…Everything (Bush) did, don’t do!”

Does anyone have an Oslo phone book handy? We need to call the folks at the Nobel Prize headquarters and nominate this guy for something. How about Nobel Prize for Stupid?

Impartial photojournalist by day, Obama employee by night

chinatownRemember that scene in “Chinatown” where Jack Nicholson roughs up Faye Dunaway until she reveals the identity of the mysterious young girl?

He slaps her and she says, “She’s my sister.” He slaps her again and she says, “My daughter.” They ping pong back and forth until Dunaway breaks down and admits the girl is daughter and her sister, the result of an incestuous relationship with her father.

Looks we have another incestuous Chinatown situation on our hands in Washington, DC. Turns out Callie Shell, a Time Magazine photographer, has been working simultaneously for Team Obama, snapping official White House photos.

We wish someone would slap Callie around a little just to see if she’ll crack as easily as Faye Dunaway did.

Slap. “I’m a completely impartial journalist.”

Slap. “I’m a biased hack.”

Slap. “I’m a completely impartial journalist.”

Slap. “I’m a biased hack.”

Slap. “Stop slapping me, wimpy boy. I already told you I was a biased hack.”

Is Obama first truly American president?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XUveqFZRgwWe were pretty sure Barack Obama was our forty-fourth president. We thought we read that somewhere. But it looks like we were wrong.

Emmy Award-winning commentator John Ridley said Obama’s the first. And this guy works for PBS, so he’s obviously smarter than the rest of us.

“Quite simply, quite plainly, just by virtue of his being,” Ridley idiotically opined, “Obama is America, and the first true American to lead our nation.”

Hey, don’t our taxes support PBS? We want our money back.

Obama campaign celeb says, “F— tha Police”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ro08bILEvqcWe’re into deep introspection here at I Hate the Media. Every once in a while we look at our lives and think, “Perhaps we should show the media a little more love.”

Then we’re jolted back to reality when we find a quote from some bonehead like Russell Simmons.

Simmons, co-founder of Def Jam Records, who campaigned extensively for President Obama, recently told reporters that his favorite song is “F— tha Police.”

When asked if Obama’s election would inspire rappers to be less explicit in their lyrics, Simmons said he does not see a problem with their vulgarities.

Thank you, Russell. It’s stupidity like yours that makes our lives worth living.

Turn off the radio. Roseanne is back. You’ve been warned.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrFW2aYHVR8Radio is dying. And this story is going to hasten the funeral. Roseanne Barr has been hired by Los Angeles radio station KPFK-FM, part of the lunatic-oriented Pacifica Network.

Barr said there’s one huge difference between network TV and the listener-supported KPFK: “You don’t have to worry about pleasing a sponsor,” she said, “and that’s really such great freedom.”

According to the latest Arbitron ratings, listeners are another thing Barr won’t have to worry about. Her station has so few listeners that they don’t even register in the ratings. We’re not saying they have low ratings, we’re saying they have NO ratings.

More people are reading I Hate the Media right now than listened to the latest Roseanne Barr radio show. We sincerely thank all three of you.

They’re unwilling to draw Obama, we’re willing to draw conclusions

by Flickr's bobster1985
by Flickr's bobster1985

What’s that? You say you haven’t seen any editorial cartoons hilariously exaggerating Obama’s physical traits? You know, like the ones that viciously attacked Bush for the last eight years. Well, don’t hold your breath.

“I had all my villains in place for eight years and they’ve been taken away,” complained Pulitzer Prize winning editorial cartoonist Pat Oliphant. “I don’t know that I’ve ever had this experience before, of a president I maybe like. This is an antagonistic art. We’re supposed to concentrate on finding things wrong. There’s no point in drawing a cartoon that’s favorable.”

Our conclusion? Journalists are the only caricatures left in journalism.

Torture Ban = Civil Rights Act

by Flickr's takomabibelot
by Flickr's takomabibelot

Back in 1989, when Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega took refuge inside the embassy of the Vatican in Panama City, we blasted rock ‘n roll outside the embassy 24 hours a day until Noriega couldn’t take it anymore.

We said we were serenading him. Noriega said we were torturing him. Good thing CBS newsman Bob Schieffer wasn’t on the scene.

“Hubert Humphrey once said the 1964 Civil Rights Act was America’s single most effective foreign policy initiative,” said Schieffer said. “It…told the world what we stood for and that our system was about fairness and equal treatment and that it worked. I thought about that when Barack Obama announced that torture would never be part of our national policy.”

Kenny G and that damn saxaphone. We say that’s what should be against the Geneva Convention.

Paul McCartney’s new girlfriend hides horrible secret

barbara-waltersEx-Beatle Paul McCartney has a new girlfriend, a socialite named Nancy Shevell.

The good news is that unlike McCartney’s previous wife, Shevell is apparently rational, has millions of dollars of her own, and best of all, two fully-functional legs.

The bad news is that Shevell is Barbara Walters’ cousin.

Although we’re sure this is heartbreaking news for McCartney, we always feel it’s better that things like this come out before the wedding. We’re just sorry that we had to be the bearers of bad news.

(In order to maintain our remarkably high standards of journalistic integrity, we must report that this is a complete lie. There is nothing we enjoy more than being the bearers of bad news. Yee-haw!)

Dee Dee Myers finds new ass to kiss

vanity_fair_cover_obama1Bill Clinton’s former press secretary, Dee Dee Myers, has penned an article in the new issue of Vanity Fair in which she says Barack Obama is the most famous living person in the history of the world.

Myers made her comments only after removing her lips from Clinton’s lily white backside, where they have resided since 1995. And then in one quick, seamless move, she immediately attached those same lips to Obama’s considerably-less than lily white backside.

Is Obama the most famous person who ever lived? Here at I Hate The Media, we think not. Obama is famous only on one planet. We vote for Captain Kirk of the U.S.S. Enterprise, who was known throughout the galaxy.

Hah! Take that, Dee Dee Myers.

CNN’s Cafferty compares Pelosi to Chinese dictator

mao_posterizedCNN’s Jack Cafferty, referencing Nancy Pelosi’s plan to spend hundred of millions of dollars on contraceptives as a as an economic stimulus has compared her to infamous Chinese Communist dictator Mao Zedong.

“What exactly did she mean,” Cafferty asked. “Are millions of dollars for contraception supposed to stop people from having babies? [That’s] starting to sound a little like Chairman Mao.”

For the sake of historical accuracy, we feel compelled to point out the vast differences between Mao and Pelosi.

Number One – Mao killed more than 20,000,000 of his countrymen. Pelosi merely annoys hers.

Number Two – Mao never had plastic surgery. Pelosi has gone under the knife so often that she can no longer blink.

Number Three – Mao led his followers in the 10,000 Mile March. Pelosi couldn’t lead a horse to water.

Obama goes Arab, says USA acts like dictator

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3mU6DH1PMY President Barack Obama stiffed all the American news channels and gave his first formal television interview to an Arabic cable TV network.

While discussing his orders to new Middle East envoy George Mitchell, Obama told the Dubai-based Al-Arabiya network, “What I told him is start by listening, because all too often the United States starts by dictating.”

Unsubstantiated reports say that Chris Matthews was rushed to a Washington, DC-area emergency room after having multiple thrills rush up his leg. The rapidly-worsening condition has begun to concern those close to Matthews.

Benicio Del Toro is full of bull

Droopy-eyed actor Benicio Del Toro just completed a new film that glorifies Che Guevera, Fidel Castro’s ruthless henchman.

Critics say the film whitewashes Che’s violent legacy by emphasizing the “romantic” parts of his life, but ignoring the violent, ruthless parts.

“We can’t cover it all,” Mr. del Toro said. “You can make your own movie.”

“Benicio del Toro is just one of the many accomplices of the Cuban tyranny,” said Armando Valladares, the Cuban dissident imprisoned by Castro. “All the murderers of people have had accomplices and people who made excuses for them. Stalin had them, Hitler had them, Pinochet had them, all the dictators have had apologists for them. Che Guevara and Fidel Castro also had them.”

The English translation of “Del Toro” is “of the bull,” making Benicio the most appropriately named person in Hollywood.

Welcome to the Chicago Blago Show

on_the_airTwo of Chicago’s top radio stations have offered ethically-challenged Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich jobs on the radio.

WGN-AM issued a press release offering Blago and his wife Patti, the 1 to 4 p.m. weekday slot. WLS-AM offered up a weekly show on Sundays from Noon to 2 p.m., but only if Blago resigns as governor.

“Welcome to the Chicago Rod Blago Show. We’re now taking bids if you’d like to go on the air. The current offer is $1,000,000 from Larry in Skokie.”

NY Times fires only conservative columnist

bill-krystalThe lone conservative voice on the Times’ op-ed page is history.

Bill Kristol, the op-ed page’s lone conservative, has been unceremoniously booted out the door by the Times. Kristol’s Monday contribution, “Will Obama Save Liberalism?” concluded with the sad line: “This is William Kristol’s last column.”

“I’m ambivalent,” Kristol said. “It’s been fun. It’s a lot of work. I have a lot of things going on. But I haven’t really focused on it.”

“Kristol’s not the only conservative in the world,” said an unnamed and completely fictional Times spokesperson. “We were negotiating with Karl Marx, but the rest of our editorial staff made it clear they don’t want anyone that conservative on our staff.”

Freezing D.C. welcomes Gore’s hot air

The green mode of transportation was unavailable today
The green mode of transpotation was unavailable today

Al Gore is about to begin his latest Chicken Little testimony before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

But while Gore is blathering on about the ‘urgent need’ to combat global warming, a “Winter Storm Watch” has been issued for the region and significant snow, sleet, and ice has been predicted.

Global warming believers say this year’s brutal winter weather is proof of climate change. Highly-trained meteorologists at I Hate The Media say this year’s brutal winter weather is proof of brutal winter weather.

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