The burning question in Massachusetts today is, “Who will fill Teddy Kennedy’s seat in the U.S. Senate now that Joseph P. Kennedy II has opted out of the coronation that could have (some would say ‘should have’) been his?”
What the hell. If the rest of the media can speculate on possible successors to Teddy Kennedy’s seat in the United States Senate, we might as well pitch in our two cents.
Our choices make just as much sense as some others we’ve read (such as New York resident Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg, or alcoholic Rhode Island Congressman Patrick Kennedy, neither of whom are eligible because they don’t live in Massachusetts, for god’s sake).
Listen up, old media. We can speculate just as wildly as you can. Here are our five top choices.
Candidate #1 – Foster Brooks. Sure, he’s been dead for 8 years, but it clear that he follows in the Kennedy tradition and the transition would be seamless.
Candidate #2. Michael Phelps. Who better than a 14-time Olympic gold medal winner to assume Kennedy’s nickname “The Swimmer”?
Candidate #3 – Kennedy. The one-time MTV host and current talk radio host on conservative powerhouse KFI/Los Angeles has the right last name. And that seems to be good enough to the good people of Massachusetts.
Candidate #4 – Queen Latifah. She’s a queen, so she’ll get the support of influential Massachusetts kingmaker queenmaker Barney Frank. She’s royalty, so the people of Massachusetts will approve. And she has the heft to fill Teddy’s shoes. So to speak.
Candidate #5 – The Progressive Sandwich Maker. Without Ted Kennedy as his wingman, corrupt Senator Chris Dodd (D-Alcatraz) can only make an open-faced waitress sandwich.
Obviously, it’s going to be almost impossible to fill Teddy’s seat adequately. It looks like it may take a combination of all these candidates. A Teddy tag team, so to speak.
C’mon, let’s change the Constitution. Don’t ask what a Kennedy can do for you, ask what you can do for a Kennedy.
