We now know that Connecticut Attorney General Richard Blumenthal didn’t serve in Vietnam. And we also know that he wasn’t captain of the Harvard swim team.
But we have gone over his resume with the proverbial fine tooth comb and discovered 37 other things this congenital liar claims to have done, but didn’t. Such as:
- Walk on the moon with Neil Armstrong
- Lead the National League in hitting in 1997.
- Invent the internet
- Cure cancer with the power of his mind
- Go faster than a speeding bullet
- Coin the phrase “tastes just like chicken!”
- Serve as Butterfly McQueen’s stunt double in Gone With the Wind
- Hear the sound of clowns “crying on the inside”
- Maintain the force of gravity
- Save an entire bus full of children using a simple paperclip
- Invent sponge cake
- Render himself invisible
- Defeat Kobe Bryant in a game of H-O-R-S-E
- Win a Nobel Peace Prize
- 15. Write The Battle Hymn of the Republic
- 16. Shoot J.R.
- Father Anna Nicole Smith’s child
- Inspire Deep Throat (both Mark Feldt and Linda Lovelace)
- Escape from Alcatraz
- Believe it’s not butter
- Start the rumor that Paul is dead
- Sleep with Tiger Woods
- Attend Woodstock
- Jam with Jimi Hendrix
- Climb Everest
- Save or create millions of jobs
- Slow the rise of the oceans and heal our planet
- Put a thrill up Chris Matthews’ other leg
- Put fear into the heart of UFC champion Chuck Liddell
- Change the tone in Washington
- Suggest Dwight D. Eisenhower come up with a snazzier name for Operation Overlord.
- Have sex with that woman, Monica Lewinsky.
- Come up with the deceptively hard-to-spell name for the state of Connecticut.
- Serve in Korea, either.
- Party like it was 1999.
- Perform as the fifth Beatle.
- Become the first five-star attorney general.
