Author: Administrator

Best Quote of the Week

Kevin & Bean, the morning guys on KROQ-FM in Los Angeles, are our favorite radio personalities. When you read this quote, they may become your favorites, too.

Here’s what Bean had to say about our new president the day after the inauguration:

“I’m not all that impressed with our next President after one day. All I’ve seen so far is, hey, let’s go to parties. Ever since he got into office it’s been nothing but taking his wife out dancing.”

If you’d like to listen to Kevin & Bean, but don’t live in Southern California, go to KROQ.com. You can listen to them live or download their podcasts.

Obama’s illegal alient aunt moves to Cleveland

cleveland signThe incredibly partisan Associated Press has finally done something right. Late, but right.

They used the Freedom of Information Act to obtain federal documents that
prove the Bush administration made it impossible for Immigration officials
to arrest Obama¹s illegal alien aunt before the election

Zeituni Onyango, Obama’s late father’s half-sister was living in public housing in Boston at the time. She is now believed to be living in Cleveland.

We say, “Give the woman a break.” Isn’t living in Cleveland punishment enough?

Pelosi says birth control helps the economy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z_PTqvyzwRgThis is the Speaker of the House of the United States of America. For God’s sake, we might be having some economic troubles, but we’re still the most powerful nation in the history of the world.

Is this stuttering, stammering, yammering lunatic the best and brightest this country has to offer?

Please make Kate Winslet shut up

Winslet recently won double Golden Globes and last night won a Screen Actors Guild award.Yet she always gets to the podium and can’t shut up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zonv-VNW5qkNo matter how many awards Kate Winslet wins, she never knows what to say.

Winslet recently won double Golden Globes and last night won a Screen Actors Guild award. Yet she always gets to the podium, clutches her award like it’s struggling to get away, quickly becomes overcome with emotion and announces that she doesn’t know what to say.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0MDhTcTImjQ “It is really an honor to be included in such a remarkable year and [to] be acknowledged by my peers in this way,” Winslet said last night. “”I’m a little bit lost for words. I’m sorry.”

Here’s a really creative tip thats works for us every time we pick up our Pulitzer Prize: 3 x 5 cards. Try ‘em, Kate.

By the way, we really enjoyed saying “Kate Winslet” and “double Golden Globes” in the same sentence. We hope you enjoyed reading it.

Homoerotic, Obama-erotic slobbering

photo by MACSURAK on Flickr
photo by MACSURAK on Flickr

Bernard Goldberg’s new book is titled “A Slobbering Love Affair: The True (And Pathetic) Story of the Torrid Romance Between Barack Obama and the Mainstream Media.”

The wackiest quote about Obama? Eli Saslow’s page one story on Christmas morning in The Washington Post:

“The sun glinted off chiseled pectorals sculpted during four weight-lifting sessions each week and a body toned by regular treadmill runs and basketball games.”

We’ll be back a little later. Our computer is overheating.

Blago’s a small thinker

Disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojeviich 1Disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojeviich has been all over today’s morning news shows telling the world he considered giving Barack Obama’s open senate seat to Oprah Winfrey.

For god’s sake, Rod, that’s a big idea. Work with it. Develop it to its full potential. Why the hell stop with Oprah when you have a very impressive roster of Chicago celebrities to choose from.

Appoint David Soul as Police Commissioner. Make Jennifer Hudson First Minister of Music. Name Michael Jordon Director of Hoopolgy. Jenny McCarthy can be your Secretary of Education. And Robin Williams would do a bang-up job as Press Secretary.

Now that we’ve done you a favor, maybe you can do one for us. Can you get us a phone number for Jamie Gertz?” We’ve always been kind of hot for her.

NY Times no longer able to borrow, resorts to stealing

The bad news continues for the nation’s leading newspaper company. Last week, its financial condition was downgraded by financial rating companies. This week they’re reporting is being downgraded.

A company called GateHouse Media has accused the NY Times of copyright infringement. They say Boston.com (a unit of the NY Times-owned Boston Globe) shredded copyright laws by “lifting” their headlines and lead sentences for use on their own local news websites.

This is just the latest incident in the Times long, sordid history of plagarism.

We can’t wait until they steal from us. But they better do it soon. We want to retire and buy a small island in the Carribean, but we need a hefty financial settlement from the Times to make that happen.

If they don’t do it soon, the Times won’t have enough money left to fund a crummy studio condo in St. Barts.

Robert Redford more wrinkled than ever

shar-peiIt was business as usual at Sundance, the 11-day filmfest staged by Sharpei-like leftwing Hollywood hunk Robert Redford.

Stars, directors, presenters, winners, losers, popcorn vendors, one-and-all, took to the stage to condemn anything and everything middle America values.

For example, Sundance Institute executive director Ken Brecher, hosted an honorary festival pass emblazoned with the name Barack Obama.

Presenter Joseph Gordon-Levitt, best known for his role as one of the stupid aliens on Third Rock From the Sun, displayed his Barack Obama T-shirt and said, “These awards are exercises in democracy, and it’s a good time for democracy right now.”

He’s right. It is time for democracy. All those in favor of Robert Redford getting a facelift, please raise your hands.

Al-Jazeera gets US Viewers, American nets go nuts

Ratings for Al-Jazeera’s English network skyrocketed during the Gaza conflict. Since the network’s English-language service has virtually no U.S. presence, viewers had to seek it out on the internet.

This undoubtedly drove execs at American networks into a frenzy.

Imagine this scene as an American network’s news executives gathered around a mahogany conference room table as large as your living room.

“Why did the viewers desert us,” asked one depressed programmer. “We’re just as anti-American as Al-Jazeera.”

“It’s not fair,” whined another. “Our propaganda is just as good as their propaganda.”

“If they keep this up,” said a third, “Obama will have to impose the Fairness Doctrine on Al-Jazeera, too.”

This news report brought to you as a public service by IHateTheMedia.com.

LA Times thinks Obama = Hitler?

omaba_hitler_croppedhitler arm out smallThe internet is abuzz with commentary about the photo used on the cover of the LA Times post election issue. Why would they select a photo in which Obama appears to be giving a Nazi salute?

The editorial board here at IHateTheMedia.com is even split between those who were raised Catholic and those who were raised Methodist.

Our Catholic contingent thinks the Times’ photo was chosen to make a visual comparison between Obama and Michelangelo’s Sistine Chapel painting of God’s hand reaching out to Adam.

Our Methodist contingent says it reminds them of the end of the church service when Methodist ministers traditionally raise their arms toward their flocks and give the final benediction.

But we all agree that anyone who compares Obama to Hitler is way out of line.

He’s actually far more like Lenin.

Chris Matthews hates witches. And the Constitution

You could fill one of those big, heavy 3-ring binders with a list of nutty comments made by Chris Matthews, host of CNBC’s “Hardball.” But his latest comment may just earn him a ticket straight to the Wacko Wing in the Broadcasting Hall of Fame.

Matthews was discussing a call by Rep. John Conyers (D-Michigan) for a war crimes trial for Bush administration officials and terrorist detainee interrogators.

“Why,” Matthews asked, “would a show trial or witch hunt be bad?”

To that, we say absolutely nothing, Chris. Nothing at all wrong with a little witch hunt. We say that darn constitution is more than 200 years old now and it’s about time we get a new one. Let’s ask the Chinese if they have an extra one they’ll sell us.

Tom Hanks Apologizes to Mormons

tom hanks fireHollywood icon Tom Hanks is sorry for calling Mormons who supported California’s gay marriage ban “un-American.”

“Everyone has a right to vote their conscience; nothing could be more American. To say members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints who contributed to Proposition 8 are ‘un-American’ creates more division when the time calls for respectful disagreement. No one should use ‘un-American’ lightly or in haste. I did. I should not have.”

Hanks concluded his sensitive remarks by saying, “To show how much I love Mormons, I’d like to buy every one of them a beer.” He didn’t really say that. We made it up.

Newspaper says car theft suspect turned into goat

American newspapers make crap up. Outrageous crap. But they can still learn a thing or two about crap from Nigerian newspapers. One of that nation’s largest papers recently reported that police accused a goat of grand theft auto.

The Vanguard said two men in Kwara State attempted to steal a Mazda. A police spokesman said one suspect escaped, but the other turned himself into a goat just before being nabbed. Police paraded the goat before journalists and the newspaper published a picture of the beast.

The attached video has absolutely nothing to do with this story, but does feature a goat doing something you never thought you’d see a goat do. Plus a monkey doing something you never thought you’d see a monkey do.

Maybe he said Lebanese

Larry King, the King of Overstatement, is at it again. Apparently Obama’s victory has left him in such a state of euphoria that he told viewers we could have “a lesbian” in the White House within ten years.

At least we think he said lesbian. To be completely honest, we usually lose interest in Larry’s show at about the 15 minute mark. He may have said “Lebanese.” We weren’t really paying attention.

King’s contract runs through 2010. But we strongly urge CNN to buy Larry a nice condo down in West Palm now, so he can spend his golden years frolicking on the beach during Spring Break with his next five wives.

Putting that aside temporarily, we would like to nominate Shakira for president. Definitely Lebanese. Definitely not lesbian. See her attached campaign commercial. Shakira 2012.

Fewer radio listeners mean fewer radios

thanks to Boston Public Library
thanks to Boston Public Library

There are no rocket scientists nor brain surgeons on-staff at IHateTheMedia.com. Not a one. Yet even we are able to figure out that fewer radio listeners lead directly to fewer radios being manufactured.

In a depressing display of headline juxtaposition, On the high-end radio manufacturer Bose laid off 1,000 employees on the same day that radio conglomerate Clear Channel slashed 1,500 employees.

There are also no historians on-staff at IHateTheMedia.com, but we’re pretty sure that buggy whip manufacturers cut production about the same time people stopped riding horses.

But we could be wrong.

Ratings, revenue plummet. So do media salaries.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6yq5O8GXUo Yes, we hate the media. Especially local television news anchors with big, toothy grins, blow-dried hair, and salaries big enough to balance California’s budget deficit. But the times, they are a changin’.

Don’t get us wrong. The teeth and hair hasn’t changed, but the salaries have.

“Times change,” said San Francisco media analyst Vinny Corer. “The big-time dough is gone as the ‘Clear Channels’ of the world take over. It’s a new world we live in. I heard in LA, a station had a reporter opening at a local indie TV outlet and starting pay was $40,000.”

Here’s Howard Beale, the most rational news anchor we’ve ever seen. The clip is 32 years old, but more appropriate today than ever.

Cindy McCain smarter than her husband

cindy mccain john blurryThere’s a reason John McCain married a younger woman. Not only can she spoonfeed the deluded old codger and wipe up his drool, but she’s rational enough to comprehend what the media did to her husband throughout the last election cycle.

“I do believe there was a media bias,” Cindy said. “I do believe that the media had a specific agenda…There is very little difference now between journalism and gossip.”

“The New York Times profile of me is being used as an example of the bias in reporting in journalism classes at Columbia’s journalism school.”

Our sources inside the McCain home report that Senator McCain woke up soon after the cameras were turned off:

“The press loves me,” John said. “I’m a maverick, damn it, and the press loves me.”

Cindy rolled her eyes, patted him on the head and said, “Yes, dear. They love you. Now go back to sleep.”

NY Times stops having hissy fits, has epiphany instead

crumpled newspaperAfter many months of railing against terrorist detention facility at Guantanamo Bay, the NY Times has had an epiphany. Bad guys, they’ve suddenly realized, really are bad guys.

“The emergence of a former Guantanamo Bay detainee as the deputy leader of Al Qaeda’s Yemeni branch has underscored the potential complications in carrying out the executive order President Obama signed Thursday that the detention center be shut down within a year. The militant, Said Ali al-Shihri, is suspected of involvement in a deadly bombing of the United States Embassy in Yemen’s capital, Sana, in September. He was released to Saudi Arabia in 2007 and passed through a Saudi rehabilitation program for former jihadists before resurfacing with Al Qaeda in Yemen.”

In related news, the Times also realized dogs are always going to be dogs, cats are always going to be cats, and remarkably naive is always going to be remarkably naive.

Fairness Doctrine = redistribution of listeners

slience“Redistribution” wafts ominously over Washington, D.C. these days.

New tax proposals make it clear that this administration wants to redistribute income. The recount farce in Minnesota makes it clear they want to redistribute votes. And the president’s personal attack on Rush Limbaugh makes it clear they want to redistribute radio listeners.

They may call it the Fairness Doctrine. They may call disguise it as new “local content” regulations. But no matter what name they hang on it, the intention is to give radio listeners fewer opportunities to listen to conservative voices by reducing the number of hours those voices are on the air and redistributing those hours to liberal voices. No matter what listeners may want.

Here at I Hate The Media, we always try to put a humorous spin on the days media news.

But there’s nothing funny about this.

Katie Couric screws Matt Lauer

katie couric grimmaceCBS news anchor Katie Couric not only scored the first interview with the pilot who brought his airliner down in the Hudson River, but snatched it away from her former “Today” show co-host Matt Lauer.

Lauer had been promised the first interview. Then pilot “Sully” Sullenberger was asked to delay interviews until after the investigation of U.S. Airways Flight 1549’s water landing was completed.

“What Captain Sullenberger did in the cockpit on Flight 1549 was heroic and admirable,” said an NBC News mouthpiece. “Unfortunately, people close to him have not acted nearly as admirably over the past few days. They gave us their word, and then broke their commitment.”

When told of the Couric’s scoop, ABC’s aged Barbara Walters reportedly said, “You call that a scoop? I’m interviewing Sylvester Stallone this week. I’m asking the tough questions like , ‘If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?’”

Obama takes us past race, Jay-Z brings us back

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p68XfbBmnM0You may have read the news that the election of President Obama has miraculously leapfrogged society past the divisive race issue. Someone should tell his pals Jay-Z, who was given a seat in the VIP section at the inauguration, and fellow-rapper Young Jeezy.

First, they wrote and produced a racist rant disguised as “music” titled “My President Is Black (read the lyrics if you can stomach it).”

Then these two musical geniuses went to a Washington, D.C. club after the inauguration and began screaming racist obscenities that were captured by a videographer, shown in the accompanying video of a Fox News report that contains the entire, disgusting event.

Warning: both links contain obscenities. But they both demonstrate the moral vacuum into which popular music has descended.

By the way, what the hell kind of name is “Young Jeezy” anyway?

CNN attacks Obama. Get me the smelling salts!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziUW5G6n054Lord almighty, hell hath frozen over. Campbell Brown, CNN news anchor, actually attacked the hypocrisy of the new Obama administration.

Here’s the background. Obama announced strict new rules banning lobbyists from his administration. Two days, he attempted to suspend those rules in order to appoint lobbyist William Lynn as Deputy Defense Secretary.

Brown said: “Really? Is this how it’s going to be? Please, please don’t make us all any more cynical than we already are, Mr. President. If you have no intention of abiding by your new rules, then don’t make new rules. That would be actual transparency.”

We appreciate Campbell’s candor and unbiased reporting. But Campbell, honey, we suggest you polish up your resume, because those comments will not sit well with the powers at CNN.

Is that Obama in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

little red bookJust what you’ve been waiting for — the collected wisdom of our new leader contained in one pocket-sized book called “Pocket Obama.” Sure, it’s vaguely reminiscent of Chairman Mao’s Little Red Book, but hell, man, this is Obama we’re talking about here.

According to the publishers, “Pocket Obama serves as a reminder of the amazing power of oratory and the remarkable ability of this man to move people with his words.”

They also say, “It is an unofficial requirement for every citizen to own, to read, and to carry this book at all times.”

Brilliant! Why didn’t we think of that? We know a good idea when we steal it.

IHateTheMedia.com. It is an unofficial requirement for every citizen to click on it every day. Illegal aliens, too.

He’s Obama. She’s O-gasmic.

oprah orgasmIt’s the day after the election. Oprah Winfrey and her guests were quivering with O-gasmic delight.

Actor Forest Whitaker said, “The light of the New Age is here.”

Oprah gal pal Gayle King said, “Not only does he hear us. He feels us…he talks to my soul.”

Whitaker saw King’s goofy comment and raised her one by saying, “It’s okay to love” again thanks to the Obamas.

Nutcase historian Doris Kearns Goodwin piped in by saying it’s “extraordinary” to have a president care about history.

But the award for most o-gasmic comment of the day went to Ali Wentworth, wife of ABC’s George Stephanopoulos, who, with a straight face, claimed: “I took the Metro. And everyone was singing Amazing Grace.”

We always attempt to end our stories with an amusing comment. But we are simply incapable of topping Oprah and her guests when it comes to funny.

NY Times needs Nigerian banker

Nigerian CurrencyThe New York Times’ efforts to sell its iconic HQ building has taken on even greater importance since Moody’s and S&P both downgraded the Grey Lady’s debt to junk status.

This downgrade is sure to impact the Times’ ability to raise cash, because junk ratings make it too expensive to borrow capital through “regular” channels.

If they really need money, they should give us a call. We can introduce them to a friendly Nigerian banker we just met on the internet. He has $10,000,000 and is willing to give them some of it.

In a remarkable double whammy, veteran observers note that the Times’ reporting had already been reduced to junk status several administrations ago.

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