You, too, can write for IHateTheMedia.com

Want to write a story for IHateTheMedia.com? It’s really simple. Just fill in the blanks in the following story.

“It was with deep regret today that President Obama’s nominee for (fill in the blank) withdrew (his/her) name from consideration for (fill in the job). “The fact that (fill in name) didn’t pay (his/her) taxes was a simple mistake anyone could have made,” said President Obama. “I regret that (fill in name) fell victim to partisan politics.”

(Fill in the blank with a side-splitting, hilarious, smartass comment).”

To be completely impartial, it’s equally easy to write for most of the media. In fact, it’s even easier because there are fewer blanks to fill in. For example, see the following story.

“It was with deep regret today that President Obama’s nominee for (fill in the blank) withdrew (his/her) nomination today for (fill in the job). “The fact that (fill in name) didn’t pay (his/her) taxes was a simple mistake anyone could have made,” said President Obama. “I regret that (fill in name) fell victim to partisan politics.”

(Fill in this blank with a completely sympathetic statement about the president and, if possible, say something derogatory about conservatives).”

And you thought being a journalist was a tough job.

They’re horrified, but not Gorified. 54% think media exaggerates global warming

ice_storm_with_iced_carsBad couple of weeks for Al Gore. First he had to brave dangerous blizzards to tell Congress about the dangers of global warming.

Now a new Rasmussen poll shows that most Americans think the media is blowing man’s impact on global warming (and its dangers) out of proportion.

To be specific, 54% percent of U.S. voters think the news media exaggerates the reality of global warming. Only 21% think the reporting reflects the situation accurately.

We took our own poll. 2% think Al Gore invented the internet. 54% think Al Gore is nuts. 93% are ready to move on to the next story.

Cher says Republicans almost killed her. Can’t they do anything right?

We’ve heard for years that Republicans don’t have that killer instinct. Apparently, it’s true. Multiple plastic surgery survivor Cher says that living under Republican rule almost killed her.

And she was just getting started. She also said she can’t fathom why anyone wants to be a Republican and that President Obama’s “intelligence” and “spirit” is “so great” he will accomplish “more than anyone could possibly do.”

When asked to explain her comment that Republicans almost “killed” her, the diva was a tad hazy on details.

“My face has been stretched so tight I can barely open my lips,” she may as well have said, “but that doesn’t stop me from saying really stupid things.”

Roosevelt had fireside chats, Obama has primetime blabbers

Obama Press ConferenceNetwork TV was seduced by the sound of Obama’s voice. But now they’ve had about enough of it in primetime.

At a time when the network are struggling for every rating point and fighting for every advertising dollar, President Obama is making the situation even worse.

When the president speaks, networks go to commercial-free coverage. Obama’s repeated primetime appearances are costing the networks millions of dollars in advertising revenue they desperately need.

“His economic stimulus package,” noted one network executive, “apparently does not extend to the TV networks.”

All we need here is a little creative product placement. How about if Obama does his next primetime address while wearing one of those funky blankets with arms. Run a little graphic down at the bottom of the screen that says, “This presidential address brought to you by Snuggies.”

Problem solved. Thank you very much.

It’s hard work figuring out how many jobs Obama’s going to create. Or save. Or whatever.

It’s bad news when even CNN starts to figure out that Obama is waffling on his promises.

“There are now questions about how many jobs Mr. Obama is promising to create,” CNN’s Ed Henry said on Anderson Cooper’s show. He used three different video clips of Obama talking about job “creation” and each clip featured a different number.

“But Republicans are now wondering if the President has been hedging a little to scale back expectations,” Henry noted.

In related news, Obama said he would have troops out of Iraq in 18 months, or 24 months, or possibly 36 months. Maybe.

Spielberg desperate for money, will direct for food

Unbelievable. This guy’s made about a thousand movies and about a billion dollars. Yet, somehow, DreamWorks is so strapped for cash that he’s begging from studio door to studio door.

We’re not talking petty cash here, either. Reports say financially-floundering DreamWorks studio needs $250,000,000 to save its shaky Bollywood start-up.

According to Perez Hilton, Spielberg tried to change his deal with Universal at the last minute. But Universal said, “No dice.” So now the famed director has gone behind Universal’s back and hit Disney up for the money.

“Universal should have asked me about this guy,” thought Amy Irving, Spielberg’s first wife. “He did the same thing to me when he met Kate Capshaw.”

Irving didn’t really say that. We made up that part of the story. Please call off the attorneys, Steven.

Global warming bad, Oval Office warming good

Day One in the White House: President Obama works in the Oval Office in his shirtsleeves. The president’s explanation? He cranked up the thermostat because he hates to be cold.

During the campaign Obama said, “We can’t drive our SUVs and, you know, eat as much as we want and keep our homes on, you know, 72 degrees at all times.”

So why has Obama now cranked the Oval Office thermostat up that high? “He’s from Hawaii, O.K.” said Obama aide David Axelrod. “He likes it warm. You could grow orchids in there.”

Agricultural experts say the other thing that helps grow those orchids is the extraordinary amount of BS currently being spread in the Oval Office.

Creative accounting: now Hollywood wants bail-out money

http://youtube.com/watch?v=TctjzEeNnI4The more creative you are in Hollywood, the more money you make. Especially if your specialty is accounting.

Hollywood has now lined-up with tin cups in hand, begging for an infusion of tax dollars. One provision of the “stimulus” bill would have given new film projects an immediate 50% write-off.

Republicans, lead by Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK), shamed Democrats into stripping $246 million in movie industry tax breaks from the bloated bill.

They contend Hollywood doesn’t need they money. “They had their best January ever,” Coburn said.

If one were cynical, one might assume the tax breaks were designed as a payback for the campaign dollars Hollywood showered on Obama.

To see how the Hollywood bail-out would have been structured, Democrats watched the attached instructional video.

Subway fires Phelps. Where will he go next time he gets the munchies?

Record-setting swimmer Michael Phelps just set one he’d rather not have. Subway Sandwiches has fired him in less time than it took them to negotiate the deal to hire him.

Phelps was hired in late November, fired in early February after photos of his dope smoking exploits were leaked. It’s been a bad week for Phelps, who was also dropped by cereal maker Kellogg’s for the same…uh…indiscretion.

Don’t worry, Michael. We have an idea. We think you’d be the perfect spokesperson for Nike if they’d just be willing to alter their tagline a bit. Picture this:

Michael Phelps. Just doobie it.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. We’ll be here all week.

Glenn Beck begins “Comrade Update” to honor Fearless Leader

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuwgHNtyD54Complete with an animated graphic showing us racing down the road to socialism, Fox host Glenn Beck launched a new feature last night dedicated to the glory of our new Fearless Leader.

“Comrades, good news from the western front,” Beck said, “Our glorious revolution is starting to take hold. Oh, the revolution of change. He just signed in S-Chips and earlier today He spoke out against capitalism.”

“These people may not be taking us down the same road as fascist dictators took the rest of the world on a long time ago,” Beck continued, “but they’re using the same tactics and the same propaganda. Our very country is at stake when people use emergencies to quickly shove down programs down our throats without any discussion.”

If Beck keeps this up, it won’t be long before they start regulating the salaries of talk show hosts.

That Obama’s one bad muthah%$#*&

obama_brother_potIn Dreams From My Father, Barack Obama’s autobiography, he talks about a high school buddy named Ray.

Turns out Ray used, shall we say, colorful language. In the audiobook edition, our Commander In Chief quotes Ray. Verbatim. With words we haven’t heard since Richard Nixon’s Watergate tapes.

Excerpts from the book are making the rounds of the internet. And it’s funnier than #*$%& to hear Obama saying them out of context.

Have a listen. But be warned. They are Malcolm X-rated.

Play: That guy
G-Rated Translation: “That chap is nothing special. He’s unimportant.”

Play: Too complicated
G-Rated Translation: “I’m confused by the complexity of the situation.”

Play: White folks
G-Rated Translation: “Some caucasians are uneducated.”

Play: You ain’t
G-Rated Translation: “Let’s go Dutch treat.”

Play: My number
G-Rated Translation: “Let’s meet up at the malt shop after school.”

Play: Chicks
G-Rated Translation: “Golly, I think those young ladies may like us.”

Fellow media haters, we don’t ask for much, but could ya click on the Digg icon for this one so we can get it passed around the net? It’s just too funny to let others miss!

US Senator, married to Air America exec, wants to bring back Fairness Doctrine

SEnator Debbie Stabenow and husband
Senator Debbie Stabenow and husband Thomas Athans want to kill your choices in Talk Radio

When you’re listening to someone from Washington, DC, what they don’t say is often more important than what they do say.

For example, Democrat Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow says she wants to bring back the Fairness Doctrine. What she doesn’t say is that her husband, Thomas Athans, is the Executive VP of floundering Air America.

“Whether it’s called the Fairness Standard, whether it’s called something else,” she told Bill Press, “I absolutely think it’s time to be bringing accountability to the airwaves.”

When asked if she would push for hearings in the Senate this year, Stabenow said, “I have already had some discussions with colleagues. And, you know, I feel like that’s gonna happen. Yep.”

“A law that would force people to listen to me,” Press thought to himself. “That sure seems a lot easier than having talent.”

Ciick to listen.

Paris Hilton endorses Obamanomics

paris_hilton_shoppingNEWS FLASH! The economy is saved. Renowned economist, heiress and attention-whore Paris Hilton has announced that she will save the world by doing what she does best – shopping.

Hilton says her income has continued unabated during the current international economic unpleasantness. Dimwitted promoters still line up to pay her big bucks to appear at their nightclubs.

She believes her economic philosophy — which can best be summarized as “Spend, spend, spend” — can revive the flagging retail industry.

“It’s really scary about the economy right now,” she told the British magazine Heat. “So the way I’m playing my part in helping is doing a lot of shopping wherever I go.”

We all owe Paris a huge debt of gratitude. And much like the national debt, it will only grow larger and never be repaid.

Impartial reporter jumps rope barrier to get Obama autograph, busted by Secret Service

OMG!!!! It's Barack Obama!
OMG!!!! It's Barack Obama!

A completely impartial reporter was arrested yesterday after jumping over a rope barrier, squealing like a teenage girl watching the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, and trying to get President Obama’s autograph.

Luckily, the president’s Secret Service detail grabbed the impartial reporter, and took him away for a little good, old fashioned interrogation. Reports say the man was later seen boxing up his impartial personal items in the White House press room and being impartially led away.

Although this story blurs the already hazy line between satire and reality in this administration, every word of it is true. Except the part about the squealing, which we made up.

But it wouldn’t surprise us.

NY Times writer begged Springsteen to attack ‘corporate fat cats’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjbSD6OImjUThe Boss was on his best behavior during his Super Bowl halftime show, much to the dismay of a wacko New York Times columnist.

Sportswriter Harvey Araton urged Springsteen to make a political statement during his time in the spotlight. Here’s what Araton said:

“Maybe we’ll get lucky and there will be at least one bold moment Sunday night when Springsteen goes rogue and rails against — oh, I don’t know — offensive Wall Street bonuses, $18.4 billion worth. Go ahead, Bruce. Make those corporate fat cats squirm on their sofas.”

Luckily, Springsteen didn’t comply. The only protest came when he asked his vocal chords to do what they are no longer capable of doing.

AP sues over famous Obama poster. Pravda may sue over famous Lenin poster.

lenin posterThe Associated Press is suing Shepard Fairey, the artist who created the famous red, white and blue Obama poster.

AP says it owns the copyright, and has demanded credit and cold, hard cash. Fairey disagrees although he has admitted the poster is based on an AP photograph taken at the National Press Club in Washington.

In related news, the Russian news agency Pravda may sue IHateTheMedia.com, the popular website that created the famous red, white and blue Lenin photo.

Pravda says it owns the copyright, and has demanded credit and a bottle of vodka. IHateTheMedia.com disagrees although they have admitted the poster is based on a Pravda photograph taken at the Kremlin in Moscow.

Power Poster to the people!

Obama enhances his resume, appoints himself Salary Czar

Idi Amin. Salary Czar is the only title he did not give himself
Idi Amin. Salary Czar is the only title he did not give himself

Barack Obama, not content with merely being president, has enhanced his resume with the additional title of “Salary Czar.” His new duties include telling corporate executives how much money they can make.

Next thing you know, he’ll have the White House tailor add golden epaulets on his suits and start wearing one of those military hats with a big gold eagle in front.

This is a slippery slope, President Obama. Once you start adding titles, it won’t be long before you end up like Idi Amin. His full title was “His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.”

Or perhaps you’ll be more modest, like Queen Elizabeth. Her full title is “Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, Queen of this Realm and of Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.

Just think of it. You could become “Barack the First, by the Grace of Reverend Wright, Leader of the Free World and Territories, Salary Czar, Defender of Bill Ayers.”

There’s another dangerous slippery slope, too, President Obama.

Once you start regulating executive salaries, it won’t be long before you start regulating worker salaries.

Obama’s bad two weeks seen in the headlines

You know things haven’t been going well for Obama when newspaper headline writers turn on him. Where’s the love? Weren’t our enemies supposed to love us by now? It’s starting to look  like those doubters who said this guy wasn’t ready for the job may have had a point. Here are some headlines from just the last week:

“Paris rejects ‘Obama-style’ economic program”

“Iran cool to Obama’s overture” 

“Al-Qaida No. 2 criticizes Obama over Gaza”

“EU attacks ‘Buy American’ clause, seeks removal from stimulus”

“Geithner confirmed despite tax problems”

“Obama’s Picture Burned in Effigy in Tehran”

“Daschle didn’t pay taxes”

“India warns Obama over Kashmir”

“Obama burned in effigy in Pakistan”

“CIRCUS: White House performance czar withdraws candidacy in tax mess”

“Chavez calls Obama ‘Bush clone'”

“Eleven Democrats defect on stimulus bill”

“Obama’s ethics pledge haunts him”

“PROMISES, PROMISES: No lobbyists at White House, except…”

“Blago says Emanuel should resign”

“Biden Fumbles Clinton Oath After Poking Fun At Chief Justice”

“Ice-battered Kentucky pleads for help from storm”

“Analysis: Daschle debacle humbles Obama”

“The new president, seen by some as arrogant…”

“Departures tarnish ethics drive”

“It’s A Circus”

“Hilda Solis: Another cabinet nominee with tax issues”

“Etta James Tears Into Obama & Beyonce”

Don’t get us wrong. The press and Obama have a relationship just like Bill and Hillary. They’ll stick with him no matter how many times he disappoints them.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak Obama

We always knew that Brian Williams had it out for President Bush. But now he’s calling him something he likely wouldn’t even call any of Obama’s terrorist friends: evil.

The NBC Nightly News anchor, last week on the Late Show with David Letterman, passionately described how he witnessed people line up to buy any type of Obama merchandise they could get their Messiah-worshipping hands on.

Gushing as if he’d just seen his first rock concert. he told Letterman he was thrilled at seeing so many people “that excited about our new chief executive after a line of what the ordinary voter would maybe describe as bad choices or choices of evils, for years, generations.”

Astute listeners will note it’s not him, but how “the ordinary voter” would describe Bush. According to Williams, “none of us have a party in my line of work. We all try to call balls and strikes down the center.”

Lounging off camera in his new “I love Obama” T-shirt, Williams reiterated
that he was completely impartial.

Matt Damon even crazier than buddy Ben Affleck

Matt Damon seems to have a little trouble separating Hollywood fantasy from reality.

He’s starred in several spy movies, including a trilogy of “Jason Bourne” stories. But do not — repeat, do not — compare James Bond to Jason Bourne character while Damon’s in the room.

”They could never make a James Bond movie like any of the Bourne films,” Damon sneered. “Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He’s repulsive.”

Filmgoers seem to agree that there is no comparison. “Quantum of Solace,” the most recent Bond film, brought in a whopping $574,167,199 worldwide while “The Bourne Supremacy,” Damon’s latest effort, pulled in only $288,500,217.

Sorry, Matt. How about if you sit back, relax, swill a martini, and watch this trailer for “Quantum of Solace.”

NY Times calls you an extremist racialist nativist (whatever that is)

As if to prove the intellectual and moral superiority of Manhattanites, the New York Times ran an editorial last Sunday headlined “The Nativists Are Restless.”

“The relentlessly harsh Republican campaign against immigrants has always hidden a streak of racialist extremism,” the Times said. “Now after several high-water years, the Republican tide has gone out, leaving exposed the nativism of fringe right-wingers clinging to what they hope will be a wedge issue.”

To tell you the truth, we’re honored to be called extremist, racialist and nativist by a bunch of elitist, socialist liar-ists.

Etta James doesn’t like Obama’s ears, wants to whup Beyonce’s ass

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cVy311QVVEYou can’t make this stuff up. But it looks like as long as the Obama administration is around, you won’t have to.

According to TMZ.com, legendary 71-year-old singer Etta James made it clear that she will be inviting neither President Obama nor Beyoncé Knowles over for tea.

Beyoncé sang Etta’s song “At Last” at Obama’s Inauguration Ball. But James was still, shall we say, angry at a concert in Seattle last week.

“Your President, the one with the big ears,” she told the crowd, “…he had that woman singing my song. She gonna get her ass whipped.” (Click here for audio)

In other news, the Obama administration introduced legislation today making it illegal to make comments about a president’s ears. “It’s mere coincidence that President Obama looks like a taxi cab with the doors open,” said a congressional spokesman. “This legislation will protect all future presidents, too.”

Obama parrots FDR poorly, says “The only thing we have is fear itself.”

So much for the triumph of hope over fear. In an op-ed piece in today’s Washington Post, President Obama attempted to scare the livin’ bejeebers out of everyone.

He warned Congress to act quickly on his “stimulus” bill and warned that that failure to act could plunge us into a recession that might prove irreversible.

Irreversible. The world will plunge into a recession – maybe a depression – from which we will never recover. Never.

“Never,” according to a source within the Democratic National Committee, is defined as “A period of time so long that Obama won’t get re-elected.”

Are you kidding me? Now Obama’s Labor Secretary has tax problems.

hilda_solisIn what looks like an instant replay of other senate confirmation hearings over the last ten days, President Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Labor has now revealed income tax problems.

Hard to believe, but true. A Senate committee today abruptly canceled a hearing to consider Representative Hilda Solis as Secretary of Labor.

Oops. Pangs of conscience convinced Solis’ husband to pay $6,400 in tax liens YESTERDAY. The liens had been piling up against his business for up for 16 years, so it appears to be yet another remarkable coincidence that yet another of Obama’s nominees has decided to come clean and pay up immediately prior to confirmation hearings.

This isn’t an administration. It’s a sitcom.

Christie Hefner named CNN economic centerfold of the month

Christie Hefner, daughter of doddering, octagenerian Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, has a new job. CNN announced this morning that she has been “added to our roster of economic analysts.”

Hefner breathlessly revealed her economic expertise by saying the “sense that I’m getting, in talking to CEOs, is that people are hoping for a late 2010 recovery.”

“I’ve proposed a special program called ‘The Anchors of CNN,’” Hefner might have said. “In a cost-cutting move, we’ve chosen Larry King as our first centerfold because he already had a staple in his belly.”

“I couldn’t be prouder,” said proud papa Hugh Hefner. “But can you remind me again who she is?”

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