Category: Television

Paris Hilton endorses Obamanomics

paris_hilton_shoppingNEWS FLASH! The economy is saved. Renowned economist, heiress and attention-whore Paris Hilton has announced that she will save the world by doing what she does best – shopping.

Hilton says her income has continued unabated during the current international economic unpleasantness. Dimwitted promoters still line up to pay her big bucks to appear at their nightclubs.

She believes her economic philosophy — which can best be summarized as “Spend, spend, spend” — can revive the flagging retail industry.

“It’s really scary about the economy right now,” she told the British magazine Heat. “So the way I’m playing my part in helping is doing a lot of shopping wherever I go.”

We all owe Paris a huge debt of gratitude. And much like the national debt, it will only grow larger and never be repaid.

Impartial reporter jumps rope barrier to get Obama autograph, busted by Secret Service

OMG!!!! It's Barack Obama!
OMG!!!! It's Barack Obama!

A completely impartial reporter was arrested yesterday after jumping over a rope barrier, squealing like a teenage girl watching the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, and trying to get President Obama’s autograph.

Luckily, the president’s Secret Service detail grabbed the impartial reporter, and took him away for a little good, old fashioned interrogation. Reports say the man was later seen boxing up his impartial personal items in the White House press room and being impartially led away.

Although this story blurs the already hazy line between satire and reality in this administration, every word of it is true. Except the part about the squealing, which we made up.

But it wouldn’t surprise us.

NY Times writer begged Springsteen to attack ‘corporate fat cats’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjbSD6OImjUThe Boss was on his best behavior during his Super Bowl halftime show, much to the dismay of a wacko New York Times columnist.

Sportswriter Harvey Araton urged Springsteen to make a political statement during his time in the spotlight. Here’s what Araton said:

“Maybe we’ll get lucky and there will be at least one bold moment Sunday night when Springsteen goes rogue and rails against — oh, I don’t know — offensive Wall Street bonuses, $18.4 billion worth. Go ahead, Bruce. Make those corporate fat cats squirm on their sofas.”

Luckily, Springsteen didn’t comply. The only protest came when he asked his vocal chords to do what they are no longer capable of doing.

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak Obama

We always knew that Brian Williams had it out for President Bush. But now he’s calling him something he likely wouldn’t even call any of Obama’s terrorist friends: evil.

The NBC Nightly News anchor, last week on the Late Show with David Letterman, passionately described how he witnessed people line up to buy any type of Obama merchandise they could get their Messiah-worshipping hands on.

Gushing as if he’d just seen his first rock concert. he told Letterman he was thrilled at seeing so many people “that excited about our new chief executive after a line of what the ordinary voter would maybe describe as bad choices or choices of evils, for years, generations.”

Astute listeners will note it’s not him, but how “the ordinary voter” would describe Bush. According to Williams, “none of us have a party in my line of work. We all try to call balls and strikes down the center.”

Lounging off camera in his new “I love Obama” T-shirt, Williams reiterated
that he was completely impartial.

Christie Hefner named CNN economic centerfold of the month

Christie Hefner, daughter of doddering, octagenerian Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, has a new job. CNN announced this morning that she has been “added to our roster of economic analysts.”

Hefner breathlessly revealed her economic expertise by saying the “sense that I’m getting, in talking to CEOs, is that people are hoping for a late 2010 recovery.”

“I’ve proposed a special program called ‘The Anchors of CNN,’” Hefner might have said. “In a cost-cutting move, we’ve chosen Larry King as our first centerfold because he already had a staple in his belly.”

“I couldn’t be prouder,” said proud papa Hugh Hefner. “But can you remind me again who she is?”

Translating Rachel Maddow into English

rachel_maddow_the_advocateAs a public service, we occasionally feel obligated to translate some of the crap found in the media. In this case, we find ourselves translating a Rachel Maddow interview in the NY Daily News.

“During the election last year, Maddow established herself as one of the big three at MSNBC, which had its best run ever, with her show following Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann.” (Translation: Her initial ratings were through the roof, but they are sinking faster than the Titanic.)

“But she was a charter host on Air America in March 2004, so she and the radio network have now figured out a way to give her an ongoing presence there.” (Translation: Maddow dumped Air America because low-rated television hosts make a lot more money than low-rated radio hosts.)

“She also notes that she and her MSNBC colleagues ‘don’t exactly march in lockstep. Sometimes when we’re doing a panel, we have no agreement at all.'” (Translation: Some of them are Stalinists while others are Maoists.)

We feel like one of those guys at the UN with the earphones and microphone who instantaneously translate speeches from Urdu to Tagalog. Except that translating Liberal is a lot tougher.

Orson Welles. Everything Christian Bale will never be. Except dead.

Most Christian Bale fans won’t know the name Orson Welles. So please allow us to contrast the two:

Welles was called The Boy Genius. Bale isn’t.

Welles was an Academy Award-winning actor, director, writer and producer. Bale isn’t.

Welles wrote, produced, directed and starred in Citizen Kane, often called the greatest film ever made. Bale played Batman.

Welles also had a magnificent voice. In the later years of his life, he was paid obscene amounts of money to use that voice in commercials. The attached audio track is famous. It’s made up of out-takes from a London recording session in which Welles picks some unfortunate English ad agency people to pieces. But unlike Bale, he does it without losing his dignity.

Orson Welles is dead and Christian Bale is alive. Definite proof that life isn’t fair.

Please see our previous story today called Christian Bale is a stinkin’ #%&*@ to hear Bale’s audio. Contrast the two.

Was that porn during the Super Bowl or is Jake “The Snake” Plummer making a comeback?

unzipWith less than three minutes to play in Super Bowl XLIII, Tucson viewers were surprised to see a woman unzipping a man’s pants followed by “a graphic act.”

Somehow, the Super Bowl feed was switched with a 30-second excerpt from an adult cable TV channel.

“I just figured it was another commercial until I looked up,” one female viewer said. “Then he did his little dance with everything hanging out.”

“We will investigate what happened and make sure our viewers get answers,” said the company president, Gary Nielsen.

Here at IHateTheMedia.com, we will do everything within our power to get to the bottom of this. We’ll start by interviewing Jenna Jameson.

Pelosi: “Every month…500,000,000 Americans lose their jobs”

Here’s another one to add to the “Best of Nancy Pelosi” reel. Nancy “The Genius” Pelosi says that every month we don’t pass the economic stimulus bill, another 500 million Americans lose their jobs.

She must be including illegal aliens.

Why tax-dodgin’ Tom Daschle needs a limo and chauffeur

Suddenly, we feel bad for tax-dodgin’ Tom Daschle. Maybe we should all just cut him a little slack.

We just learned that he was such a dedicated public servant during his days in Washington, DC that he drove an old junker instead of buying a new car. Here’s one of his old campaign commercials to prove what a hard-working, stand-up guy he was is.

“Maybe he’s sentimental,” the voiceover intones, “Or just cheap. Whatever the case, isn’t it too bad that Washington doesn’t understand that a penny saved is a penny earned?”

We can all learn a lesson from Tom Daschle: Your money goes much further when you don’t pay a penny in taxes.

Watch the commercial. Laugh at it knowing that this pompous ass has finally been exposed.

Jim Cramer compares Obama to Lenin

cramer_leninCNBC “Mad Money” host Jim Cramer sees some scary similarities between the words of President Obama and those of communist revolutionary Vladimir Lenin.

Obama dogged Wall Street by saying there would be a time “for them to make profits, and there will be time for them to get bonuses. Now’s not that time. And that’s a message that I intend to send directly to them.”

Cramer made this comparison: “There was a little snippet last week that was, ‘Now is not the time for profits.’ Look – in Lenin’s book, “What Is to Be Done,” is simple text of what I always though was for the communists. It was remarkable to hear very similar language from ‘What Is to Be Done?’ which is we have no place for profits.”

What’s really frightening about this whole thing is that we find ourselves agreeing with Cramer.

But it’s not something we’re proud of.

“Obama takes the shirt off your back. CNN sells it back to you.”

cnn_shirtCNN is cashing in on Obama-mania by selling T-shirts that they modestly and impartially call “Some of the most historic shirts money can buy.” They’re the latest designs in their “CNN headline” shirts.

Take the one shown, for example. “Obama raises hand, lifts a nation,” it impartially proclaims. If you don’t like that one, maybe you’d prefer “Obama’s era of change arrives.” Or “Obama fever spreads around the world.” Or a dozen or so different Obama designs.

This is such a good idea that we’d like to suggest a few lines for additional Obama/CNN T-shirts:

“Obama. He lifted a finger and screwed the coal industry.”

“Obama. He never met Bill Ayers. Really.”

“Obama. We worship the water he walks on.”

Wait. Here’ a better idea. Go to our IHateTheMedia.com store and buy some of our non-Obama T-shirts. It’s a much better way to spend your hard-earned money.

Did Bob Schieffer say Republicans are racist?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lYK3it70uCEThe word “racist” may not have passed Bob Schieffer’s lips, but that certainly seemed to be the implication of his commentary on Sunday’s Face the Nation.

While talking about Michael Steele, former Maryland Lieutenant Governor and newly-elected chairman of the Republican National Committee, he said:

“So it was that the party of Lincoln which had freed the slaves, but in the process had become the party of mainly white people, came full circle and turned to an African-American Moses to lead it out of the political wilderness.”

So from Schieffer’s point of view, the party that held the presidency until two weeks ago now needs to be lead out of the wilderness.

We’ve seen Charlton Heston in “The Ten Commandments” about a thousand times, so we consider ourselves to be highly-trained biblical scholars. And we have one question for Schieffer:

If Steele is Moses, doesn’t that make Obama the pharaoh?

Obama gives Wall Street a tongue-lashing. Barney Frank jealous?

obama_madBarack Obama is a man of the people. You can tell because CBS news said so. Here’s how they reported Obama’s angry reaction to big bonuses on Wall Street.

“For a man who prides himself on being cool,” said Early Show correspondent Jeff Glor, “this was a rare flash of anger, if planned. A tongue-lashing directly from the Oval Office, which is indicating now they will look to change the rules if Wall Street doesn’t itself.”

“…firms gave out $18.4 billion in bonuses to New York-based employees last year the same year the Dow Jones caved in 33%,” Glor continued. “And yes, a lot of the bonus money came from T.A.R.P. government bailout funds, taxpayer dollars.”

When reporters asked Barney Frank what he thought of Obama’s tongue-lashing, he responded with a far away, dreamy look and mumbled something that sounded like, “Be still, my heart.”

TV triplets bid $2,000,000 for octuplet story

photo by WoodlyWonderworks
photo by WoodlyWonderworks

Yes, we hate the media. With a passion. And this story demonstrates why.

Television’s talk triplets — Oprah Winfrey, ABC’s Diane Sawyer, and CBS’ Katie Couric — are reportedly involved in fierce negotiations for the first interview with Nadya Suleman. Her price tag is reportedly $2 million.

Of course, Suleman’s the wacky 33-year old California woman who recently gave birth to octuplets and is now the mother of 14 children under the age of 8.

No further comment necessary.

Obama tells advertisers to keep their hands off his face

Looks like the honeymoon is over for entrepreneurs trying to profit from the president’s image.

“Our lawyers are working on developing a policy that will protect the presidential image,” said a White House spokesperson, “while being careful not to squelch the overwhelming enthusiasm that the public has for the president.”

Obama’s “Yes We Can” campaign is being used to promote everything from do-it-yourself furniture to low-priced airfares. But our favorite is leftwing Ben & Jerry’s “Yes Pecan” ice cream flavor.

Too bad for us. We were just getting ready to launch a gazillion dollar ad campaign using that video of Obama flipping Hilary the bird. It just seems to perfectly express the philosophy at IHateTheMedia.com.

Back to the drawing boards for us.

Hannity, Grandpa Munster separated at birth?

sean_hannitygrandpa_ped

We like Sean Hannity. Especially when he lets someone else speak. We’ve never thought he was the brightest bulb in the box, but we like him. That being said, what’s the deal with his new look? And are we the only ones to have noticed that his new look looks like an old look? And when we say old, we mean he’s beginning to look just like Grandpa Munster.

As you can see, the similarities are eerie. Just like Al Lewis, the veteran actor who played Grandpa to perfection, Hannity has a new slicked back hair style. A new, even pastier complexion. The same colorful sense of fashion. And the same confused logic Grandpa was famous for.

Please send your comments to Sean Hannity, Fox News, 1313 Mockingbird Lane.

CNN reports Hamas propaganda without comment

CNN, which rarely hesitates to share its opinions, issued a story Sunday in which the leader of Hamas praised Iran for helping them achieve “victory” over Israel in Gaza.

“The victory of the people of Gaza was a miracle of God and the Islamic Republic definitely has a share in this victory,” Hamas leader Khaled Meshaal said after meeting with Iran’s Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. CNN credits the quote to Iran’s Fars News Agency.

The only nod to reality in the lengthy article was the use of quotation marks around the word “victory” in its headline and again in the body of the story.

In related news, CNN issued a series of stories praising Custer for his victory at the Little Bighorn, Germany for its victory in World War II, and the Arizona Cardianals for their impressive victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers in Super Bowl XLIII.

CBS reveals reasons for GOP opposition

Are you sitting down? If not, please do. Because we are about to say something so shocking you may drop over in a dead faint.

CBS has earned the distinction of being the first broadcast television network to list some of the outlandish spending provisions that caused Republicans in the house to unanimously vote against the so-called “stimulus” bill. Yes, you read that correctly. CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.

“The Republicans’ biggest complaint about the stimulus bill,” Harry Smith noted, “is it just gives Democrats an excuse to make government bigger.”

“If you are one of those taxpayers who does not want to spend $25 million to repair ATV trails, or $150 million for agricultural losses like damaged beehives,” reporter Wyatt Andrews stated, “then you’ll understand why no Republican supported the stimulus in the House and why most Republicans are trashing it in the Senate.”

“Anything that Congress couldn’t afford before,” Andrews continued, “$50 million to support the arts, or $70 million to help people stop smoking, has found its way into the stimulus now.”

CBS News providing actual news. Now that’s what we call news.

Lauer’s pre-game propaganda

photo by Flickr's theotherway
photo by Flickr's theotherway

Turns out we hate the media more than ever on Super Bowl Sunday.

That’s because Matt Lauer achieved what medical experts have always
considered to be anatomically impossible by interviewing President Obama’s
while his lips were firmly planted on the president’s butt.

Sadly, NBC turned a 12-minute portion of its programming over to Matt Lauer and President Obama for a little Super Bowl pre-game propaganda.

Had the interview had been strictly about football, it might have seemed
more reasonable. But it strayed rather quickly into an opportunity for Obama
to discuss the war in Iraq and his economic stimulus package.

Does anyone recall a similar cloying interview with President Bush prior to
earlier Super Bowl games?

We don’t.

You’ve been screwed by Barney Frank. And we have it all on video.

If you’re anything like us, you’ve probably wondered if there’s something network TV news hasn’t been telling us about the financial crisis. Like what really caused it. And who really caused it. CBS hasn’t told the whole story. Neither have ABC, NBC, CNN, nor MSNBC.

Luckily, we have Fox News. Here’s a tremendous video timeline put together by Fox News that shows exactly who did what to whom and when.

This video strips Barney Frank bare and exposes him to the world. (We sincerely apologize for the hideous images that sentence brings to mind.)

California do-gooders want to ban flat screen TVs

plasma_tvWe hate the media. You hate the media. But we love our TVs more than our wives. That’s why this story is so infuriating.

California regulators want to ban the sale of plasma and LCD TVs because “they use too much energy.” The new rules could cost the state up to $130 million in sales and income taxes annually. So if the greens get their way, they’ll drive the state even further into the red.

Sales of plasma and LCDs, which account for 90% of new TV sales, would be outlawed in California as soon as the rules go into effect.

In a really brilliant public relations move, they made this announcement just before the Super Bowl, the day when record numbers of Americans will be gathered around their new flat screen TVs.

By the way, we’re taking Arizona and the points.

Begala calls Limbaugh “a corpulent drug addict”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYBe2PUgHh8After former Maryland governor Michael Steele was named Republican National Committee chairman, CNN’s ever-pleasant Paul Begala said, “The real leader of the Republican Party in America today is a corpulent drug addict with an AM radio talk show, Rush Limbaugh.”

He continued by saying Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is “very bitter, and divisive,” that George W. Bush was a “spectacularly lazy president,” and “Obama is stylistically much more like Reagan.”

Then Begala said, “Look at the pretty birdies. I like the pretty birdies. The pretty birdies make me happy.” At which point his caretakers took him back to his nice, padded room.

Fox News loves Obama. In a manly sort of way.

When the most recent ratings came out, they probably popped a bottle of champagne at Fox News and toasted our new Fearless Leader. The number one news network’s ratings have soared since Obama was inaugurated.

Here’s a look at the top ten cable TV shows for January 28, 2009

Network    Program         Total Audience

Fox News    O’Reilly             3,891,000

Fox News    Hannity            3,034,000

Fox News    Beck                 2,306,000

Fox News    Shep Smith       2,299,000

Fox News    Greta                2,155,000

MSNBC        Olbermann       1,581,000

CNN            Cooper              1,559,000

CNN            Blitzer               1,490,000

CNNHN        Grace               1,435,000

CNN            King                 1,420,000

While they were celebrating at Fox, Keith Olbermann was put on suicide watch over at MSNBC.

I HATE THE MEDIA ™
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