Category: Television

Rachel Maddow thinks snow in Dubai caused by global warming

The skier siting next to Rachel Maddow on the ski lift in the Duabi snow park reports she told him, "See, see! Global warming even works indoors."
The skier siting next to Rachel Maddow on the ski lift in the Duabi snow park reports she told him, "See, global warming even effects the indoors."

Here at I Hate The Media, we’re pretty well known for our sensitivity. So we want to make sure we say this delicately, so as not to offend.

Aw, the hell with it.

Rachel Maddow is out of her mind. It snowed in Dubai this week and the queen of MSNBC blamed it on global warming.

“Some big global warming news today. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton named a special envoy today for climate change…And if that’s not big enough news on climate change, how about this. It snowed in Dubai. Yeah, in the United Arab Emirates. And it’s not the fake, fluffy stuff they make for an indoor ski resort neither. These were big, chunky snowflakes falling on a mountain in the United Arab Emirates for only the second time in recorded history. The occurrence this weekend was so rare that local residents say they do not have a word for snow in their local dialect.”

Our correspondent in Abu Dhabi, which is right next door to Dubai, reports that local residents do have words for “Nuttier than a fruitcake.”

Dennis Miller says Al Gore is a doofus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAc4H7JTzW8While Senators of both parties bowed and curtsied to Al Gore, Dennis Miller used his sharply-honed analytical skills to determine that the man is a doofus, not a genius.

“He’s a bit of a doofus,” Miller observed. “He’s got too much of his personal salvation tied up in this for me to just take him at face value and think, well, it must be so. Al Gore said it.”

“Since the people of Tennessee essentially kept him from getting the White House, the people who knew him the best,” Miller continued, “I think that crushed his soul. I think he’s looking for something to brace himself up…I think at the core of it he’s a guy who’s guessing and must have some trepidation deep within that he’s clumsily overplayed this hand.”

There’s only one person in the world funnier than Dennis Miller. That person is, of course, Al Gore. He just doesn’t know he’s being funny.

Weather Channel founder says global warming “greatest scam in history”

Weather Channel van experiencing global warming first hand in Times Square. Photo by Flickr's condour
Weather Channel van experiencing global warming first hand in Times Square. Photo by Flickr's condour

John Coleman, founder of the Weather Channel says global warming is a “hoax” and “bad science” and that Al Gore refuses to admit his cause is based on bad research.

“I am totally convinced there is no scientific basis for any of it,” Coleman said. “Global Warming. It is the hoax. It is bad science. It is a high-jacking of public policy. It is no joke. It is the greatest scam in history.”

Al Gore reportedly responding by saying, “The Weather Channel? Hah. Everyone knows you can’t trust a TV weatherman.”

Couric wonders “What more can Obama do?”

question_markThe economy may be in a recession, but the network news anchors were thrown into full scale depression when House Republicans unanimously rejected Obama’s stimulus bill.

“The President went up to the Hill to personally appeal to Republicans already,” Katie Couric sighed. “What more can he do?”

“Republicans relentlessly attacked the bill,” wailed CBS reporter Chip Reid, “despite the President’s extraordinary efforts to get bipartisan support.”

“Not one Republican voted for it,” whimpered ABC anchor Charles Gibson, “turning a cold shoulder to the President’s appeal for bipartisan support.”

So much for the President’s charm offensive,” said reporter Jonathan Karl. “Today it was all partisan rancor and name-calling.”

We hope the president’s universal healthcare plan calls for universal Valium prescriptions. Looks like the news anchors are going to need it.

Brilliant anti-abortion commercial banned by NBC

Here at I Hate The Media, we know a thing or two about advertising. Like, for example, we know a great commercial when we see it.

NBC has rejected a Super Bowl commercial created by a Catholic advocacy group. The ad, which can be seen here (to the left) is simple, riveting, and features a surprise twist. Consider it proof that a great commercial doesn’t have to cost millions of dollars.

No matter what position you take on the abortion issue, this commercial is a simple, powerful piece of communication.

Watch it.

The final score: Limbaugh 188, Olbermaniac 0

rushlimbaugh_cigarThe voices in Keith Olbermaniac’s head must be angrier than usual this morning.

“In his inaugural address,” Olbermann crowed two days ago, “the President essentially tried to create a wedge between those who are reasonable and those who are not. Of course, he was talking about the Muslim world. Is it possible in this different context that he’s trying to do the same as he seeks bipartisanship with the Republicans. Sort of, you know, separate Mullah Limbaugh from the herd?”

The smirk on Olbermann’s face revealed just how clever he thought he was for making this observation.

Then two things happened.

First, Rep Phil Gingrey (R-GA) appeared as a guest on Limbaugh’s program yesterday, and humbly apologized for telling Rush to “back off” congressional Republican leaders.

Then, instead of separating themselves from Limbaugh, House Republicans unanimously voted against Obama’s economic “stimulus” package. And in what must have been even more frustrating for Olbermaniac, 11 Democrats crossed the aisle to vote against it.

It appears that Mullah Limbaugh has issued the symbolic equivalent of a fatwah against infidel Olbermann.

Networks ignore 300,000 pro-life march

march_for_lifeYou’ve seen it happen a thousand times. Half a dozen nitwits show up for a liberal protest and the evening news makes it look as if they numbered in the thousands.

Yet last week, when 300,000 people showed up at the annual March for Life in Washington, DC, the nets were able to make it look as if the attendance was zero. Because ABC, CBS, NBC, and PBS completely ignored the event. So did the print editions of Time and Newsweek.

“If 50,000 feminists had gathered on the Mall in D.C., to demand passage of the so-called Freedom of Choice Act,” a spokesman said, “it would have been above-the-page-one-fold coverage in The Times, accompanied by an aerial photo of the crowd.”

Look for it right next to the story about how much Michelle Obama’s dress cost. And right above the story about how conservatives want to starve old people.

Gays Ga-Ga Over Andrea Mitchell. No, seriously.

Andrea Mitchell feeling gay!
Andrea Mitchell feeling witty, oh so witty, oh so witty and pretty and gay

Believe it or not, veteran NBC News reporter Andrea Mitchell is an icon within the gay community.

(We’ll pause here for a moment to let you reflect upon that last sentence. Perhaps you may even want to re-read it for fear that you misread it the first time).

To repeat, veteran NBC News reporter Andrea Mitchell is an icon within the gay community.

“She’s the Golden Girls rolled into one,” one gay reporter noted. “The body of Sophia, the sassiness of Dorothy and probably a sex kitten like Blanche, and most likely from the Midwest like Rose.”

Pick whatever icons you want. But for god’s sake, guys, this woman is a thousand years old, has a grating voice, and her face looks like a pillow case that was left in the dryer too long.

Isn’t one Barbara Streisand enough for the gay community?

Rahm Emanuel makes daily, secret calls to media pals

Rahm uses his secure phone to call his media buddies
Rahm Emanuel cleverly uses his secure phone to make secret calls to his media pals

As the sun comes up each morning, Rahm Emanuel, Obama’s chief of staff, calls his pals in the media – CNN’s James Carville and Paul Begala, ABC’s George Stephanopoulos, and pollster Stan Greenberg.

That was no problem last month, but Emanuel is now President Obama’s Chief of Staff, and the calls have now taken on an air of conspiracy. Where’s the shock and outrage and the suggestion that Emanuel is coordinating media coverage?

From our perspective, two things surprise us about this story.

First, that no one has objected to this “cozy” relationship between the president’s chief of staff and members of the media.

And second, that Emanuel has four friends.

Obama has giant brain. Brian Williams no so much.

NBC News anchor Brian Williams is very pleased that Barack Obama is our new chief executive. But not so pleased, mind you, that it influences his work.

Just as we were beginning to worry about Williams’ impartiality, he reassured us that “none” of his personal enthusiasm about Obama’s presidency “is about a party” since “none of us have a party in my line of work. We all try to call balls and strikes down the center.”

Then Williams impartially noted that “we have a dazzling family in the White House” and stated that Obama “has an enormous brain.”

If brain size is now a reason to vote for a presidential candidate, let us be the first to say, “Brainiac 2012.”

Jessica Simpson is a really big star (anyone have a tape measure?)

photos from dailymail.co.uk
photos from dailymail.co.uk Click photo to go there
Where’s that internet kid who became famous for crying his eyes out and screeching, “Just leave Britney alone.” Jessica Simpson is looking for him.

The photo on the left was taken this week as Jessica opened for Rascal Flatts in Greenville, South Carolina. The photo on the right was taken in another galaxy long ago and far away.

We refuse to be drawn into this sordid controversy. Here at I Hate The Media, we like to keep ourselves above the tawdry, everyday issues that concern small-minded people.

But we sure would enjoy the hell out of it if you’d add a funny photo caption to our comment section.

Is Obama first truly American president?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4XUveqFZRgwWe were pretty sure Barack Obama was our forty-fourth president. We thought we read that somewhere. But it looks like we were wrong.

Emmy Award-winning commentator John Ridley said Obama’s the first. And this guy works for PBS, so he’s obviously smarter than the rest of us.

“Quite simply, quite plainly, just by virtue of his being,” Ridley idiotically opined, “Obama is America, and the first true American to lead our nation.”

Hey, don’t our taxes support PBS? We want our money back.

Torture Ban = Civil Rights Act

by Flickr's takomabibelot
by Flickr's takomabibelot

Back in 1989, when Panamanian strongman Manuel Noriega took refuge inside the embassy of the Vatican in Panama City, we blasted rock ‘n roll outside the embassy 24 hours a day until Noriega couldn’t take it anymore.

We said we were serenading him. Noriega said we were torturing him. Good thing CBS newsman Bob Schieffer wasn’t on the scene.

“Hubert Humphrey once said the 1964 Civil Rights Act was America’s single most effective foreign policy initiative,” said Schieffer said. “It…told the world what we stood for and that our system was about fairness and equal treatment and that it worked. I thought about that when Barack Obama announced that torture would never be part of our national policy.”

Kenny G and that damn saxaphone. We say that’s what should be against the Geneva Convention.

Paul McCartney’s new girlfriend hides horrible secret

barbara-waltersEx-Beatle Paul McCartney has a new girlfriend, a socialite named Nancy Shevell.

The good news is that unlike McCartney’s previous wife, Shevell is apparently rational, has millions of dollars of her own, and best of all, two fully-functional legs.

The bad news is that Shevell is Barbara Walters’ cousin.

Although we’re sure this is heartbreaking news for McCartney, we always feel it’s better that things like this come out before the wedding. We’re just sorry that we had to be the bearers of bad news.

(In order to maintain our remarkably high standards of journalistic integrity, we must report that this is a complete lie. There is nothing we enjoy more than being the bearers of bad news. Yee-haw!)

CNN’s Cafferty compares Pelosi to Chinese dictator

mao_posterizedCNN’s Jack Cafferty, referencing Nancy Pelosi’s plan to spend hundred of millions of dollars on contraceptives as a as an economic stimulus has compared her to infamous Chinese Communist dictator Mao Zedong.

“What exactly did she mean,” Cafferty asked. “Are millions of dollars for contraception supposed to stop people from having babies? [That’s] starting to sound a little like Chairman Mao.”

For the sake of historical accuracy, we feel compelled to point out the vast differences between Mao and Pelosi.

Number One – Mao killed more than 20,000,000 of his countrymen. Pelosi merely annoys hers.

Number Two – Mao never had plastic surgery. Pelosi has gone under the knife so often that she can no longer blink.

Number Three – Mao led his followers in the 10,000 Mile March. Pelosi couldn’t lead a horse to water.

Obama goes Arab, says USA acts like dictator

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3mU6DH1PMY President Barack Obama stiffed all the American news channels and gave his first formal television interview to an Arabic cable TV network.

While discussing his orders to new Middle East envoy George Mitchell, Obama told the Dubai-based Al-Arabiya network, “What I told him is start by listening, because all too often the United States starts by dictating.”

Unsubstantiated reports say that Chris Matthews was rushed to a Washington, DC-area emergency room after having multiple thrills rush up his leg. The rapidly-worsening condition has begun to concern those close to Matthews.

Hot PETA women and their cucumbers

We’re happy to report that General Motors isn’t spending $3,000,000 for a Super Bowl commercial this year. But what about other advertisers?

Is it wise to spend that much money on one commercial in this economic downturn? Surprisingly, many advertisers say, “Yes, it’s a bargain.”

Their rationale? The Super Bowl draws an immense audience and is, perhaps, the only programming on television that causes consumers to “lean forward” and watch the commercials.

No one will be leaning forward and watching the attached PETA commercial because it was rejected by the television network. Talk about your wardrobe malfunction.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fTdPRlHB4Os

ABC doesn’t know Blago’s a democrat

Question One: How many segments did ABC’s “Good Morning, America” devote to scandal-plagued Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich?

Answer One: Not one, not two, not three, but four segments.

Question Two: How many times did they mention his party affiliation?

Answer Two: Not four, not three, not two, not one, but zero times.

“Good Morning, America” spent nearly 20 minutes on this piece of human detritus. Yet no one ever saw fit to mention his party affiliation.

But Diane Sawyer did come very close to asking for the name and number of his hair stylist.

Olbermaniac says al-Qaeda leader is innocent furniture salesman

prescription_drugsDon’t look now, but Keith Olbermann’s synapses are misfiring again.

The background: former Gitmo prisoner Said Ali al-Shihri, who was released in 2007, has received a plum promotion. He’s now an al-Qaeda leader in Yemen.

According to Olbermann’s latest lunacy, al-Shihri was innocently skipping through the desert picking flowers when he was detained. Only after being unfairly imprisoned did he begin working his way up international terrorism’s corporate ladder.

“But perhaps the real question is,” the Olbermaniac said, “Since we never tried him, never found him guilty, and the Bush administration set him free, what if he wasn’t a terrorist in the first place but we turned him into one by sending him to Gitmo?”

While we’re pondering “what ifs,” what if Olbermann remembered to take his meds every night.

Blago’s a small thinker

Disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojeviich 1Disgraced Illinois governor Rod Blagojeviich has been all over today’s morning news shows telling the world he considered giving Barack Obama’s open senate seat to Oprah Winfrey.

For god’s sake, Rod, that’s a big idea. Work with it. Develop it to its full potential. Why the hell stop with Oprah when you have a very impressive roster of Chicago celebrities to choose from.

Appoint David Soul as Police Commissioner. Make Jennifer Hudson First Minister of Music. Name Michael Jordon Director of Hoopolgy. Jenny McCarthy can be your Secretary of Education. And Robin Williams would do a bang-up job as Press Secretary.

Now that we’ve done you a favor, maybe you can do one for us. Can you get us a phone number for Jamie Gertz?” We’ve always been kind of hot for her.

Al-Jazeera gets US Viewers, American nets go nuts

Ratings for Al-Jazeera’s English network skyrocketed during the Gaza conflict. Since the network’s English-language service has virtually no U.S. presence, viewers had to seek it out on the internet.

This undoubtedly drove execs at American networks into a frenzy.

Imagine this scene as an American network’s news executives gathered around a mahogany conference room table as large as your living room.

“Why did the viewers desert us,” asked one depressed programmer. “We’re just as anti-American as Al-Jazeera.”

“It’s not fair,” whined another. “Our propaganda is just as good as their propaganda.”

“If they keep this up,” said a third, “Obama will have to impose the Fairness Doctrine on Al-Jazeera, too.”

This news report brought to you as a public service by IHateTheMedia.com.

Chris Matthews hates witches. And the Constitution

You could fill one of those big, heavy 3-ring binders with a list of nutty comments made by Chris Matthews, host of CNBC’s “Hardball.” But his latest comment may just earn him a ticket straight to the Wacko Wing in the Broadcasting Hall of Fame.

Matthews was discussing a call by Rep. John Conyers (D-Michigan) for a war crimes trial for Bush administration officials and terrorist detainee interrogators.

“Why,” Matthews asked, “would a show trial or witch hunt be bad?”

To that, we say absolutely nothing, Chris. Nothing at all wrong with a little witch hunt. We say that darn constitution is more than 200 years old now and it’s about time we get a new one. Let’s ask the Chinese if they have an extra one they’ll sell us.

Maybe he said Lebanese

Larry King, the King of Overstatement, is at it again. Apparently Obama’s victory has left him in such a state of euphoria that he told viewers we could have “a lesbian” in the White House within ten years.

At least we think he said lesbian. To be completely honest, we usually lose interest in Larry’s show at about the 15 minute mark. He may have said “Lebanese.” We weren’t really paying attention.

King’s contract runs through 2010. But we strongly urge CNN to buy Larry a nice condo down in West Palm now, so he can spend his golden years frolicking on the beach during Spring Break with his next five wives.

Putting that aside temporarily, we would like to nominate Shakira for president. Definitely Lebanese. Definitely not lesbian. See her attached campaign commercial. Shakira 2012.

Ratings, revenue plummet. So do media salaries.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6yq5O8GXUo Yes, we hate the media. Especially local television news anchors with big, toothy grins, blow-dried hair, and salaries big enough to balance California’s budget deficit. But the times, they are a changin’.

Don’t get us wrong. The teeth and hair hasn’t changed, but the salaries have.

“Times change,” said San Francisco media analyst Vinny Corer. “The big-time dough is gone as the ‘Clear Channels’ of the world take over. It’s a new world we live in. I heard in LA, a station had a reporter opening at a local indie TV outlet and starting pay was $40,000.”

Here’s Howard Beale, the most rational news anchor we’ve ever seen. The clip is 32 years old, but more appropriate today than ever.

Cindy McCain smarter than her husband

cindy mccain john blurryThere’s a reason John McCain married a younger woman. Not only can she spoonfeed the deluded old codger and wipe up his drool, but she’s rational enough to comprehend what the media did to her husband throughout the last election cycle.

“I do believe there was a media bias,” Cindy said. “I do believe that the media had a specific agenda…There is very little difference now between journalism and gossip.”

“The New York Times profile of me is being used as an example of the bias in reporting in journalism classes at Columbia’s journalism school.”

Our sources inside the McCain home report that Senator McCain woke up soon after the cameras were turned off:

“The press loves me,” John said. “I’m a maverick, damn it, and the press loves me.”

Cindy rolled her eyes, patted him on the head and said, “Yes, dear. They love you. Now go back to sleep.”

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