Author: editor

Glenn Beck begins “Comrade Update” to honor Fearless Leader

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuwgHNtyD54Complete with an animated graphic showing us racing down the road to socialism, Fox host Glenn Beck launched a new feature last night dedicated to the glory of our new Fearless Leader.

“Comrades, good news from the western front,” Beck said, “Our glorious revolution is starting to take hold. Oh, the revolution of change. He just signed in S-Chips and earlier today He spoke out against capitalism.”

“These people may not be taking us down the same road as fascist dictators took the rest of the world on a long time ago,” Beck continued, “but they’re using the same tactics and the same propaganda. Our very country is at stake when people use emergencies to quickly shove down programs down our throats without any discussion.”

If Beck keeps this up, it won’t be long before they start regulating the salaries of talk show hosts.

That Obama’s one bad muthah%$#*&

obama_brother_potIn Dreams From My Father, Barack Obama’s autobiography, he talks about a high school buddy named Ray.

Turns out Ray used, shall we say, colorful language. In the audiobook edition, our Commander In Chief quotes Ray. Verbatim. With words we haven’t heard since Richard Nixon’s Watergate tapes.

Excerpts from the book are making the rounds of the internet. And it’s funnier than #*$%& to hear Obama saying them out of context.

Have a listen. But be warned. They are Malcolm X-rated.

Play: That guy
G-Rated Translation: “That chap is nothing special. He’s unimportant.”

Play: Too complicated
G-Rated Translation: “I’m confused by the complexity of the situation.”

Play: White folks
G-Rated Translation: “Some caucasians are uneducated.”

Play: You ain’t
G-Rated Translation: “Let’s go Dutch treat.”

Play: My number
G-Rated Translation: “Let’s meet up at the malt shop after school.”

Play: Chicks
G-Rated Translation: “Golly, I think those young ladies may like us.”

Fellow media haters, we don’t ask for much, but could ya click on the Digg icon for this one so we can get it passed around the net? It’s just too funny to let others miss!

US Senator, married to Air America exec, wants to bring back Fairness Doctrine

SEnator Debbie Stabenow and husband
Senator Debbie Stabenow and husband Thomas Athans want to kill your choices in Talk Radio

When you’re listening to someone from Washington, DC, what they don’t say is often more important than what they do say.

For example, Democrat Michigan Senator Debbie Stabenow says she wants to bring back the Fairness Doctrine. What she doesn’t say is that her husband, Thomas Athans, is the Executive VP of floundering Air America.

“Whether it’s called the Fairness Standard, whether it’s called something else,” she told Bill Press, “I absolutely think it’s time to be bringing accountability to the airwaves.”

When asked if she would push for hearings in the Senate this year, Stabenow said, “I have already had some discussions with colleagues. And, you know, I feel like that’s gonna happen. Yep.”

“A law that would force people to listen to me,” Press thought to himself. “That sure seems a lot easier than having talent.”

Ciick to listen.

Paris Hilton endorses Obamanomics

paris_hilton_shoppingNEWS FLASH! The economy is saved. Renowned economist, heiress and attention-whore Paris Hilton has announced that she will save the world by doing what she does best – shopping.

Hilton says her income has continued unabated during the current international economic unpleasantness. Dimwitted promoters still line up to pay her big bucks to appear at their nightclubs.

She believes her economic philosophy — which can best be summarized as “Spend, spend, spend” — can revive the flagging retail industry.

“It’s really scary about the economy right now,” she told the British magazine Heat. “So the way I’m playing my part in helping is doing a lot of shopping wherever I go.”

We all owe Paris a huge debt of gratitude. And much like the national debt, it will only grow larger and never be repaid.

Impartial reporter jumps rope barrier to get Obama autograph, busted by Secret Service

OMG!!!! It's Barack Obama!
OMG!!!! It's Barack Obama!

A completely impartial reporter was arrested yesterday after jumping over a rope barrier, squealing like a teenage girl watching the Beatles on Ed Sullivan, and trying to get President Obama’s autograph.

Luckily, the president’s Secret Service detail grabbed the impartial reporter, and took him away for a little good, old fashioned interrogation. Reports say the man was later seen boxing up his impartial personal items in the White House press room and being impartially led away.

Although this story blurs the already hazy line between satire and reality in this administration, every word of it is true. Except the part about the squealing, which we made up.

But it wouldn’t surprise us.

NY Times writer begged Springsteen to attack ‘corporate fat cats’

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qjbSD6OImjUThe Boss was on his best behavior during his Super Bowl halftime show, much to the dismay of a wacko New York Times columnist.

Sportswriter Harvey Araton urged Springsteen to make a political statement during his time in the spotlight. Here’s what Araton said:

“Maybe we’ll get lucky and there will be at least one bold moment Sunday night when Springsteen goes rogue and rails against — oh, I don’t know — offensive Wall Street bonuses, $18.4 billion worth. Go ahead, Bruce. Make those corporate fat cats squirm on their sofas.”

Luckily, Springsteen didn’t comply. The only protest came when he asked his vocal chords to do what they are no longer capable of doing.

AP sues over famous Obama poster. Pravda may sue over famous Lenin poster.

lenin posterThe Associated Press is suing Shepard Fairey, the artist who created the famous red, white and blue Obama poster.

AP says it owns the copyright, and has demanded credit and cold, hard cash. Fairey disagrees although he has admitted the poster is based on an AP photograph taken at the National Press Club in Washington.

In related news, the Russian news agency Pravda may sue IHateTheMedia.com, the popular website that created the famous red, white and blue Lenin photo.

Pravda says it owns the copyright, and has demanded credit and a bottle of vodka. IHateTheMedia.com disagrees although they have admitted the poster is based on a Pravda photograph taken at the Kremlin in Moscow.

Power Poster to the people!

Obama enhances his resume, appoints himself Salary Czar

Idi Amin. Salary Czar is the only title he did not give himself
Idi Amin. Salary Czar is the only title he did not give himself

Barack Obama, not content with merely being president, has enhanced his resume with the additional title of “Salary Czar.” His new duties include telling corporate executives how much money they can make.

Next thing you know, he’ll have the White House tailor add golden epaulets on his suits and start wearing one of those military hats with a big gold eagle in front.

This is a slippery slope, President Obama. Once you start adding titles, it won’t be long before you end up like Idi Amin. His full title was “His Excellency President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.”

Or perhaps you’ll be more modest, like Queen Elizabeth. Her full title is “Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, Queen of this Realm and of Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith.

Just think of it. You could become “Barack the First, by the Grace of Reverend Wright, Leader of the Free World and Territories, Salary Czar, Defender of Bill Ayers.”

There’s another dangerous slippery slope, too, President Obama.

Once you start regulating executive salaries, it won’t be long before you start regulating worker salaries.

Obama’s bad two weeks seen in the headlines

You know things haven’t been going well for Obama when newspaper headline writers turn on him. Where’s the love? Weren’t our enemies supposed to love us by now? It’s starting to look  like those doubters who said this guy wasn’t ready for the job may have had a point. Here are some headlines from just the last week:

“Paris rejects ‘Obama-style’ economic program”

“Iran cool to Obama’s overture” 

“Al-Qaida No. 2 criticizes Obama over Gaza”

“EU attacks ‘Buy American’ clause, seeks removal from stimulus”

“Geithner confirmed despite tax problems”

“Obama’s Picture Burned in Effigy in Tehran”

“Daschle didn’t pay taxes”

“India warns Obama over Kashmir”

“Obama burned in effigy in Pakistan”

“CIRCUS: White House performance czar withdraws candidacy in tax mess”

“Chavez calls Obama ‘Bush clone'”

“Eleven Democrats defect on stimulus bill”

“Obama’s ethics pledge haunts him”

“PROMISES, PROMISES: No lobbyists at White House, except…”

“Blago says Emanuel should resign”

“Biden Fumbles Clinton Oath After Poking Fun At Chief Justice”

“Ice-battered Kentucky pleads for help from storm”

“Analysis: Daschle debacle humbles Obama”

“The new president, seen by some as arrogant…”

“Departures tarnish ethics drive”

“It’s A Circus”

“Hilda Solis: Another cabinet nominee with tax issues”

“Etta James Tears Into Obama & Beyonce”

Don’t get us wrong. The press and Obama have a relationship just like Bill and Hillary. They’ll stick with him no matter how many times he disappoints them.

Matt Damon even crazier than buddy Ben Affleck

Matt Damon seems to have a little trouble separating Hollywood fantasy from reality.

He’s starred in several spy movies, including a trilogy of “Jason Bourne” stories. But do not — repeat, do not — compare James Bond to Jason Bourne character while Damon’s in the room.

”They could never make a James Bond movie like any of the Bourne films,” Damon sneered. “Because Bond is an imperialist, misogynist sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. He’s repulsive.”

Filmgoers seem to agree that there is no comparison. “Quantum of Solace,” the most recent Bond film, brought in a whopping $574,167,199 worldwide while “The Bourne Supremacy,” Damon’s latest effort, pulled in only $288,500,217.

Sorry, Matt. How about if you sit back, relax, swill a martini, and watch this trailer for “Quantum of Solace.”

NY Times calls you an extremist racialist nativist (whatever that is)

As if to prove the intellectual and moral superiority of Manhattanites, the New York Times ran an editorial last Sunday headlined “The Nativists Are Restless.”

“The relentlessly harsh Republican campaign against immigrants has always hidden a streak of racialist extremism,” the Times said. “Now after several high-water years, the Republican tide has gone out, leaving exposed the nativism of fringe right-wingers clinging to what they hope will be a wedge issue.”

To tell you the truth, we’re honored to be called extremist, racialist and nativist by a bunch of elitist, socialist liar-ists.

Etta James doesn’t like Obama’s ears, wants to whup Beyonce’s ass

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3cVy311QVVEYou can’t make this stuff up. But it looks like as long as the Obama administration is around, you won’t have to.

According to TMZ.com, legendary 71-year-old singer Etta James made it clear that she will be inviting neither President Obama nor Beyoncé Knowles over for tea.

Beyoncé sang Etta’s song “At Last” at Obama’s Inauguration Ball. But James was still, shall we say, angry at a concert in Seattle last week.

“Your President, the one with the big ears,” she told the crowd, “…he had that woman singing my song. She gonna get her ass whipped.” (Click here for audio)

In other news, the Obama administration introduced legislation today making it illegal to make comments about a president’s ears. “It’s mere coincidence that President Obama looks like a taxi cab with the doors open,” said a congressional spokesman. “This legislation will protect all future presidents, too.”

Obama parrots FDR poorly, says “The only thing we have is fear itself.”

So much for the triumph of hope over fear. In an op-ed piece in today’s Washington Post, President Obama attempted to scare the livin’ bejeebers out of everyone.

He warned Congress to act quickly on his “stimulus” bill and warned that that failure to act could plunge us into a recession that might prove irreversible.

Irreversible. The world will plunge into a recession – maybe a depression – from which we will never recover. Never.

“Never,” according to a source within the Democratic National Committee, is defined as “A period of time so long that Obama won’t get re-elected.”

Are you kidding me? Now Obama’s Labor Secretary has tax problems.

hilda_solisIn what looks like an instant replay of other senate confirmation hearings over the last ten days, President Obama’s nominee for Secretary of Labor has now revealed income tax problems.

Hard to believe, but true. A Senate committee today abruptly canceled a hearing to consider Representative Hilda Solis as Secretary of Labor.

Oops. Pangs of conscience convinced Solis’ husband to pay $6,400 in tax liens YESTERDAY. The liens had been piling up against his business for up for 16 years, so it appears to be yet another remarkable coincidence that yet another of Obama’s nominees has decided to come clean and pay up immediately prior to confirmation hearings.

This isn’t an administration. It’s a sitcom.

Christie Hefner named CNN economic centerfold of the month

Christie Hefner, daughter of doddering, octagenerian Playboy founder Hugh Hefner, has a new job. CNN announced this morning that she has been “added to our roster of economic analysts.”

Hefner breathlessly revealed her economic expertise by saying the “sense that I’m getting, in talking to CEOs, is that people are hoping for a late 2010 recovery.”

“I’ve proposed a special program called ‘The Anchors of CNN,’” Hefner might have said. “In a cost-cutting move, we’ve chosen Larry King as our first centerfold because he already had a staple in his belly.”

“I couldn’t be prouder,” said proud papa Hugh Hefner. “But can you remind me again who she is?”

Bogus poll says Rush less popular than Jeremiah Wright

According to a recent poll (view PDF of poll here), Rush Limbaugh is one of America’s the most unpopular political figures.

Calm down, relax, take a deep breath. It’s all nonsense.

The poll, conducted by the research firm Greenberg-Quinlan-Rosner, says Rush’s public-approval rating is just 21 percent among likely voters. That’s seven points lower than Reverend Jeremiah Wright and eight points lower than domestic terrorist and Obama pal Bill Ayers.

Here’s why it’s bogus. Greenberg-Quinlan-Rosner is a Democratic research firm run by Stan Greenberg. You remember Stan Greenberg. He’s the guy who joins in a daily conference call with buddies Rahm Emanuel, George Stephanopoulos, Paul Begala, and James Carville.

We thinking of conducting our own poll. How many of you think we should do it?

That was a joke. Conducting a poll. How many think we should do it? Get it?

Andrea Mitchell feels Tom Daschle’s pain

UPDATE: Our apologies. Turns out this is actually a photo of Al Capone, a completely different tax cheat.
UPDATE: Our apologies. Turns out this is actually a photo of Al Capone, a completely different tax cheat.

Andrea Mitchell feels badly for tax-dodgin’ Tom Daschle. She really does.

“I just got off the phone with Tom Daschle,” she said sympathetically on MSNBC. “And it was an emotional conversation…it sounded as though he were tearful, overwrought.”

When Republican Senator Jim DeMint contended that Democrat support for Daschle’s nomination had wavered, Mitchell was clearly upset. “You can say that the Democrats were uncomfortable as well,” Mitchell lectured, “but they were all supporting him publicly.”

“So this does read to the public as though the Republicans went after this man,” she wondered aloud, “someone that the President very much wanted, and brought him down.”

Like opposing the confirmation of a felonious tax cheat is a bad thing?

Translating Rachel Maddow into English

rachel_maddow_the_advocateAs a public service, we occasionally feel obligated to translate some of the crap found in the media. In this case, we find ourselves translating a Rachel Maddow interview in the NY Daily News.

“During the election last year, Maddow established herself as one of the big three at MSNBC, which had its best run ever, with her show following Chris Matthews and Keith Olbermann.” (Translation: Her initial ratings were through the roof, but they are sinking faster than the Titanic.)

“But she was a charter host on Air America in March 2004, so she and the radio network have now figured out a way to give her an ongoing presence there.” (Translation: Maddow dumped Air America because low-rated television hosts make a lot more money than low-rated radio hosts.)

“She also notes that she and her MSNBC colleagues ‘don’t exactly march in lockstep. Sometimes when we’re doing a panel, we have no agreement at all.'” (Translation: Some of them are Stalinists while others are Maoists.)

We feel like one of those guys at the UN with the earphones and microphone who instantaneously translate speeches from Urdu to Tagalog. Except that translating Liberal is a lot tougher.

Groundhog bites Bloomberg, will do it again in six weeks

http://youtube.com/watch?v=0nCJKzTUKnEA little unsolicited advice: Never ask New York mayor Michael Bloomberg to pet sit while you’re on vacation. Let’s just say he’s not good with animals.

In an attempt to set up a good photo opportunity yesterday, Bloomberg manhandled the Staten Island Zoo’s ground hog. It responded to Bloomberg’s gentle touch by taking a bite out of his hand.

“They were definitely wrestling there for awhile,” a zoo representative said. “They definitely looked like they were involved in a tussle.”

Tussle? Bloomberg looked like he was competing in a greased pig contest.

Final score: Groundhog 1, Bloomberg 0.

Obama probably wishes Biden hadn’t paid his taxes

Ahhh, that wacky Joe Biden. He can always be counted on to embarrass his new boss. You may remember a couple weeks ago when he poked fun at Chief Justice Roberts’ flubbing Obama’s oath of office by saying, “My memory is not as good as Chief Justice Roberts’.” (View top video)

Well, yesterday it was Biden’s turn to put his verbal inadequacy on display. There he was at the State Department, swearing in new Secretary of State Hillary Clinton. Prior to the oath, the crowd had chanted “Get it right, get it right, get it right.” Nevertheless, Joe tripped over his words – doing exactly that for which he had chastised Roberts. (View lower video)

We pray that Joe has paid all of his taxes. Because this guy’s going to give us a ton of material in the next four years.

Orson Welles. Everything Christian Bale will never be. Except dead.

Most Christian Bale fans won’t know the name Orson Welles. So please allow us to contrast the two:

Welles was called The Boy Genius. Bale isn’t.

Welles was an Academy Award-winning actor, director, writer and producer. Bale isn’t.

Welles wrote, produced, directed and starred in Citizen Kane, often called the greatest film ever made. Bale played Batman.

Welles also had a magnificent voice. In the later years of his life, he was paid obscene amounts of money to use that voice in commercials. The attached audio track is famous. It’s made up of out-takes from a London recording session in which Welles picks some unfortunate English ad agency people to pieces. But unlike Bale, he does it without losing his dignity.

Orson Welles is dead and Christian Bale is alive. Definite proof that life isn’t fair.

Please see our previous story today called Christian Bale is a stinkin’ #%&*@ to hear Bale’s audio. Contrast the two.

Christian Bale is a stinkin’ #%&*@

audio_iconA few months ago, actor Christian Bale went nuts while filming “Terminator Salvation.”

Some poor lighting guy made the mistake of walking into a shot while cameras were rolling. Bale stopped production while he publicly humiliated the poor guy, repeatedly berated him in the crudest possible terms, and despite the man’s apologies, threatened to beat him to a pulp.

TMZ.com got its hands on a tape of the incident. If you choose to listen, be prepared for some major league swearing. You’ll hear Bale screaming obscenities over and over again and threatening to quit if the guy isn’t fired.

According to TMZ, the tape was sent to the producers’ insurance firm as evidence in case Bale bailed on the film. Apparently, that is the source of the leak.

Christian Bale is #@&*% angry and someone is in big %&@!$ trouble.

WARNING: THIS AUDIO CONTAINS GRAPHIC LANGUAGE

Click Audio Icon or here to play.

UPDATE: After listening to this audio, please see our subsequent post Orson Welles. Everything Christian Bale will never be. Except dead.

Was that porn during the Super Bowl or is Jake “The Snake” Plummer making a comeback?

unzipWith less than three minutes to play in Super Bowl XLIII, Tucson viewers were surprised to see a woman unzipping a man’s pants followed by “a graphic act.”

Somehow, the Super Bowl feed was switched with a 30-second excerpt from an adult cable TV channel.

“I just figured it was another commercial until I looked up,” one female viewer said. “Then he did his little dance with everything hanging out.”

“We will investigate what happened and make sure our viewers get answers,” said the company president, Gary Nielsen.

Here at IHateTheMedia.com, we will do everything within our power to get to the bottom of this. We’ll start by interviewing Jenna Jameson.

Pelosi: “Every month…500,000,000 Americans lose their jobs”

Here’s another one to add to the “Best of Nancy Pelosi” reel. Nancy “The Genius” Pelosi says that every month we don’t pass the economic stimulus bill, another 500 million Americans lose their jobs.

She must be including illegal aliens.

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