Author: editor

Porn star runs for Senate, seems perfectly qualified

stormy_danielsAdult film star Stormy Daniels says she may run against Louisiana Republican Senator David Vitter. Vitter, who was named in a Washington, DC prostitution ring, calls himself a social conservative.

“I don’t see how I can possibly embarrass him more than he already embarrassed himself…,” Daniels said. “Honestly, I’m not sure I’m willing to take the pay cut that comes with being a senator.”

This is like the old joke about the gorgeous woman who sits down next to a guy in a bar. He turns to her and says, “Would you have sex with me for $1,000,000.

“Well, that’s a lot of money,” she says. “I guess I would.”

He says, “How about $10?”

She’s shocked. She’s furious. “What do you take me for,” she says, “some kind of whore?”

“We’ve already established that,” he says, “now we’re just haggling about price.”

We know what Senators are. Why not just elect someone who’s willing to admit she’ll screw us all if the money’s right.

Quote of the day

“Members of Congress should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers so we can identify their corporate sponsors.”

We wish we could take credit for that line, but we can’t. It’s just one of those anonymous things floating around the internet.

No, wait. We did write that line. Right after we invented the internet.

Saddam Hussein loved the sound of Dan Rather’s voice.

"No one is listening...must be a party line"
"No one is listening...must be a party line"

Remember Dan Rather’s interview with Saddam Hussein before the start of the war in Iraq? Rather told reporters he practiced all his questions while standing in front of a mirror in his hotel room.

But in a new book, “Hide and Seek: The Search for Truth in Iraq,” author Charles Duelfer notes that Saddam had Baghdad so heavily bugged that he undoubtedly heard every word of Rather’s rehearsal.

“It is simply surprising,” observed Duelfer, “that someone as worldly as Dan Rather would not assume his room was bugged in one of the most security-conscious regimes on the planet.”

Surprising that Rather could be stupid? If you believe that, I have some phony National Guard documents I’d like to sell you.

Now the Philadelphia newspaper wants bail-out money.

photo by Flickr's yomanimus
photo by Flickr's yomanimus

Let’s see if we can keep track of it all. The banks want bail-out money. Wall Street wants bail-out money. The states want bail-out money. Cities want bail-out money. The steel industry wants bail-out money. Who’s left?

Ah, let’s not forget newspapers. Now the Philadelphia Inquirer wants a $10 million government bailout. And Democrat Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell thinks it’s a grand idea.

Our position on the bail-out is very simple. No money for the Inquirer until after IHateTheMedia.com gets bail-out money.

After all, this is a very expensive operation we’re running here. We have a huge staff of highly-trained reporters stationed around the world. We have massive internet infrastructure costs. Not to mention all our wild parties with cocaine and hookers and other crazy stuff.

This operation is expensive, damn it, and we want bail-out money, too.

Ahmadinejad wants change he can believe in

Ahmadinejad
image by Flickr's azrainman

Unfortunately, the change the Iranian leader wants is a change in U.S. policy.

Last week, Obama did as he said he would do and extended an olive branch to Iran with no pre-conditions. But Iran’s leaders made it clear they have no interest in talking to Obama unless we change our policies.

Just as conservatives have warned for years, Obama’s offer was misinterpreted by the extremist Islamic government. They said Obama’s willingness to reach out to Ahmadinejad “means Western ideology has become passive, that capitalist thought and the system of domination have failed.”

How is this possible? We’re we told that all our enemies would magically become our friends the moment Obama was elected?

We just feel so used.

Al Gore wins Grammy for most boring album of the year

What’s that? That wasn’t the category? Well, it should have been.

Hollywood continued its sordid love affair with Al Gore last night by awarding “An Inconvenient Truth” the 2009 Grammy Award for Best Spoken Word Album. It was “spoken” by Beau Bridges, Cynthia Nixon and Blair Underwood, because the producers knew that listening to Al Gore could cure sleep apnea.

“With wit, smarts and hope, AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH ultimately brings home Gore’s persuasive argument that we can no longer afford to view global warming as a political issue – rather, it is the biggest moral challenges facing our global civilization.”

Damn. We nodded off just reading the press release.

Global warming drives people insane

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fnze-_4_DpgA horribly depressed 17-year old Aussie boy was admitted last year to the psychiatric until at Melbourne’s Royal Children’s Hospital.

So worried about global warming was the young man that he refused to drink water. Australian doctors termed the condition “climate change delusion.”

“Climate change could have a real impact on our psyches,” says Paul Epstein, associate director of Harvard Medical School’s Center for Health and the Global Environment.

Experts at the IHateTheMedia.com School of Medicine have dubbed the condition Gore Syndrome. Common symptoms include delusions of grandeur, rapid weight gain, and shriveling of the portion of the brain that controls logic.

Hollywood doesn’t like Nixon, America doesn’t like Nixon movies.

nixon_oliver_stoneIn 1995, Oliver Stone made the movie “Nixon.” It bombed, bringing in under $14,000,000. In 2008, Ron Howard added another name, made a new movie called “Frost/Nixon.” It also bombed, bringing in just under $15,000,000.

Apparently, Hollywood has decided to bring America another Nixon movie every 13 years. Whether we want them or not.

Critics say “Frost/Nixon” is filled with lies, distortions, exaggerations and what are euphemistically called “dramatizations.” For more information read the excellent Lies, Damn Lies and Dramatizations: ‘Frost/Nixon’ at BigHollywood.com.

“But the film’s about Nixon,” say Hollywood insiders, “so it’s ok if we say the most vile things we can think of. And since this is Hollywood, that can be pretty darn vile.”

We say save your money for the anticipated 2021 release of the blockbuster “Frost/Nixon/Hitler,” which according to our calculations should bring in $16,000,000.

Franken says, “Don’t forget me. I cheated on my taxes, too.”

al_franken_lying_liarsAl Franken, the Minnesota Democratic senatorial candidate, apparently considers Tim Geithner and Tom Daschle to be role models. Because the unfunny former comedian still owes more than $70,000 in back taxes, interest and penalties to 17 states.

When the problems were discovered, Franken immediately threw his accountant of 18 years under the bus. The poor accountant could only say, “I’ve been told to say ‘no comment.’”

Referring to Daschle’s withdrawal, President Obama said, “Ultimately it’s important for this administration to send a message that there aren’t two sets of rules. You know, one for prominent people and one for ordinary folks who have to pay their taxes.”

If Franken’s senate bid proves unsuccessful, Obama is reported to be considering him for a position in his administration. “He has all the qualifications we’re looking for,” said one fictional administration spokesperson.

Bush says rendition, Panetta says retraction

In the words of SNL’s Roseanne Roseannadanna, “Never mind.” Looks like another misstep – or misstatement – from those wild and crazy guys in the Obama administration.

Leon Panetta was forced to retract a previous statement in which he said the Bush administration sent terrorism suspects overseas to be tortured.

“I am not aware,” Panetta confessed, “of the validity of those claims.” What that means in plain English is, “I lied and got caught. Now get off my back.”

Panetta admitted that the Obama administration would continue the Bush policy of sending foreign detainees to other countries for questioning, but only with assurances they will not be tortured.

So let’s see. Obama’s pulling out of Iraq, but not really. Obama’s closing Gitmo, but not really. Obama’s stopping rendition, but not really.

We believe everything this administration says, but not really.

Liberal talk radio dies in DC today

Ahh...a breath of fresh air in D.C.
Ahh...it just smells better in D.C.

The air seems a little cleaner in the nation’s capitol today. Lib talk radio is dead in the District of Columbia.

WWRC-AM had marketed itself as “Obama 1260,” proving that the FCC doesn’t consider stupidity to be sufficient grounds for revocation of a broadcast license. The station has now flipped to a business talk/news format.

Losing affiliates is nothing new for Stephanie Miller, Ed Schultz, Bill Press, Ron Reagan, Rachel Maddow and Lionel. But the loss of the Washington, DC market is a particularly harsh blow for liberal talk radio, because the format is rapidly running out off major markets in which it can be dumped.

Miller, often referred to as the rising star of libtalk, has lost market after market and now retains affiliates in just 11 of the top 50 markets. Like many lib talk stations, WWRC ranked dead last in the Washington, DC ratings, 30th out of 30 stations.

As of today, Miller, Schultz, Press, Reagan, Maddow and Lionel are on the street, where they will presumably organize protests and carry picket signs calling for the re-introduction of the Fairness Doctrine.

Did Putin attend secret ABBA concert? He says, “Nyet.”

Я люблю ТКАНЬ ИЗ ВЕРБЛЮЖЬЕЙ ШЕРСТИ. Они заставляют меня чувствовать себя настолько сладким и веселым!
Я люблю ТКАНЬ ИЗ ВЕРБЛЮЖЬЕЙ ШЕРСТИ. Они заставляют меня чувствовать себя настолько сладким и веселым!

In case you haven’t noticed, Russian pseudo-czar Vladimir Putin one very strange dude. As if his obviously-staged shirtless photos weren’t enough, there’s this story.

Bjorn Again, an act that has imitated the Swedish pop group ABBA for years, says they were flown to Russia to perform the strangest concert of their careers.

The band’s manager said they were driven nine hours through snowy countryside to a military base where the group was housed in barracks and ate with Russian soldiers. Later they were taken to a tiny theatre where the Russian strongman and a handful of guests watched the performance through a gauze curtain intended to obscure Putin’s identity.

Putin’s representatives say the story is a complete fabrication. But seriously, wouldn’t you say the same thing.

Good lord, man, Vladimir Putin likes ABBA. He’s an even more hideous monster than we ever suspected.

Stephanopoulos condemns Obama’s “bi-partisan nirvana”

george_stephanopoulosIgnoring the fact that Republicans were shut out of writing the “stimulus” bill, George Stephanopoulos said Sunday that President Obama has been too bi-partisan.

“Some White House officials I talk to concede that he put too much emphasis on ‘non-partisan nirvana’ rather than on getting the job done,” Stephanopoulos said.

Then Stephanopoulos momentarily lost concentration and gave a more realistic assessment. “Because the White House set the goal of bi-partisanship, maybe even 80 Senate votes, this does have the feel of a failure, even though it’s a great success.”

Please allow us to make a pithy observation.

“The difference between the Obama administration and the Reagan administration? One has the fear of failure. The other had a failure of fear.

– IHateTheMedia.com, 2009

You can quote us.

“Nastiest human being ever” defends Christian Bale

Whoopi Goldberg, one of the loose cannons on ABC’s The View, has come to the defense of Christian Bale after his obscenity-laden recording surfaced on the internet.

“We don’t know if this (incident happened) at the end of the day, we don’t know how many hours (he had) been working,” Goldberg said. “It’s tough. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I too have gone off on people, because if you’re a professional, you know what you’re not supposed to do.”

Far be it from us to inject a personal note, but IHateTheMedia.com has a very good friend who worked with Goldberg on a project several years ago. He said, and we quote, “Whoopi Goldberg is the nastiest human being I’ve ever met.”

Unfortunately, that seems to make her the perfect character reference for Bale.

NY Times writer fantasizes about Obama sudsing up in the shower

photo: Flickr's Idiay
photo: Flickr's Idiay

We present the following excerpts from a NY Times column by Judith Warner, without comment. After all, what could we say that could top this stuff?

“The other night I dreamt of Barack Obama. He was taking a shower right when I needed to get into the bathroom to shave my legs, and then he was being yelled at by my husband, Max, for smoking in the house. It was not clear whether Max was feeling protective of the president’s health or jealous because of the cigarette.”

“The other day a friend of mine confided that in the weeks leading up to the election, the Obamas’ apparent joy as a couple had made her just miserable. Their marriage looked so much happier than hers. Their life seemed so perfect.”

We had the same dream the other night. Except instead of Barack Obama, it was Jessica Alba. We’re hoping to have the same dream again tonight.

Tom Cruise is loco en le cabeza louco na cabeça crazier than hell

tom_cruise_katie_holmes_dancing1Tom Cruise doesn’t get any saner when he leaves the United States. The former super star’s latest incident occurred in Brazil while he was there promoting his latest movie.

First, Cruise tried to make points with local reporters by saying “hola” (hello) and “gracias” (thank you). Oops. That would have been dandy had Tom been in Spain, but they speak Portuguese in Brazil, not Spanish.

Then, just to make matters worse, he said he fell in love with Brazil by watching movies about the samba and the tango. Double oops. The tango is an Argentinian dance.

At that point, Cruise jumped on a couch and proclaimed his undying love of tacos and reporters slowly dispersed.

You, too, can write for IHateTheMedia.com

Want to write a story for IHateTheMedia.com? It’s really simple. Just fill in the blanks in the following story.

“It was with deep regret today that President Obama’s nominee for (fill in the blank) withdrew (his/her) name from consideration for (fill in the job). “The fact that (fill in name) didn’t pay (his/her) taxes was a simple mistake anyone could have made,” said President Obama. “I regret that (fill in name) fell victim to partisan politics.”

(Fill in the blank with a side-splitting, hilarious, smartass comment).”

To be completely impartial, it’s equally easy to write for most of the media. In fact, it’s even easier because there are fewer blanks to fill in. For example, see the following story.

“It was with deep regret today that President Obama’s nominee for (fill in the blank) withdrew (his/her) nomination today for (fill in the job). “The fact that (fill in name) didn’t pay (his/her) taxes was a simple mistake anyone could have made,” said President Obama. “I regret that (fill in name) fell victim to partisan politics.”

(Fill in this blank with a completely sympathetic statement about the president and, if possible, say something derogatory about conservatives).”

And you thought being a journalist was a tough job.

They’re horrified, but not Gorified. 54% think media exaggerates global warming

ice_storm_with_iced_carsBad couple of weeks for Al Gore. First he had to brave dangerous blizzards to tell Congress about the dangers of global warming.

Now a new Rasmussen poll shows that most Americans think the media is blowing man’s impact on global warming (and its dangers) out of proportion.

To be specific, 54% percent of U.S. voters think the news media exaggerates the reality of global warming. Only 21% think the reporting reflects the situation accurately.

We took our own poll. 2% think Al Gore invented the internet. 54% think Al Gore is nuts. 93% are ready to move on to the next story.

Cher says Republicans almost killed her. Can’t they do anything right?

We’ve heard for years that Republicans don’t have that killer instinct. Apparently, it’s true. Multiple plastic surgery survivor Cher says that living under Republican rule almost killed her.

And she was just getting started. She also said she can’t fathom why anyone wants to be a Republican and that President Obama’s “intelligence” and “spirit” is “so great” he will accomplish “more than anyone could possibly do.”

When asked to explain her comment that Republicans almost “killed” her, the diva was a tad hazy on details.

“My face has been stretched so tight I can barely open my lips,” she may as well have said, “but that doesn’t stop me from saying really stupid things.”

Roosevelt had fireside chats, Obama has primetime blabbers

Obama Press ConferenceNetwork TV was seduced by the sound of Obama’s voice. But now they’ve had about enough of it in primetime.

At a time when the network are struggling for every rating point and fighting for every advertising dollar, President Obama is making the situation even worse.

When the president speaks, networks go to commercial-free coverage. Obama’s repeated primetime appearances are costing the networks millions of dollars in advertising revenue they desperately need.

“His economic stimulus package,” noted one network executive, “apparently does not extend to the TV networks.”

All we need here is a little creative product placement. How about if Obama does his next primetime address while wearing one of those funky blankets with arms. Run a little graphic down at the bottom of the screen that says, “This presidential address brought to you by Snuggies.”

Problem solved. Thank you very much.

It’s hard work figuring out how many jobs Obama’s going to create. Or save. Or whatever.

It’s bad news when even CNN starts to figure out that Obama is waffling on his promises.

“There are now questions about how many jobs Mr. Obama is promising to create,” CNN’s Ed Henry said on Anderson Cooper’s show. He used three different video clips of Obama talking about job “creation” and each clip featured a different number.

“But Republicans are now wondering if the President has been hedging a little to scale back expectations,” Henry noted.

In related news, Obama said he would have troops out of Iraq in 18 months, or 24 months, or possibly 36 months. Maybe.

Spielberg desperate for money, will direct for food

Unbelievable. This guy’s made about a thousand movies and about a billion dollars. Yet, somehow, DreamWorks is so strapped for cash that he’s begging from studio door to studio door.

We’re not talking petty cash here, either. Reports say financially-floundering DreamWorks studio needs $250,000,000 to save its shaky Bollywood start-up.

According to Perez Hilton, Spielberg tried to change his deal with Universal at the last minute. But Universal said, “No dice.” So now the famed director has gone behind Universal’s back and hit Disney up for the money.

“Universal should have asked me about this guy,” thought Amy Irving, Spielberg’s first wife. “He did the same thing to me when he met Kate Capshaw.”

Irving didn’t really say that. We made up that part of the story. Please call off the attorneys, Steven.

Global warming bad, Oval Office warming good

Day One in the White House: President Obama works in the Oval Office in his shirtsleeves. The president’s explanation? He cranked up the thermostat because he hates to be cold.

During the campaign Obama said, “We can’t drive our SUVs and, you know, eat as much as we want and keep our homes on, you know, 72 degrees at all times.”

So why has Obama now cranked the Oval Office thermostat up that high? “He’s from Hawaii, O.K.” said Obama aide David Axelrod. “He likes it warm. You could grow orchids in there.”

Agricultural experts say the other thing that helps grow those orchids is the extraordinary amount of BS currently being spread in the Oval Office.

Creative accounting: now Hollywood wants bail-out money

http://youtube.com/watch?v=TctjzEeNnI4The more creative you are in Hollywood, the more money you make. Especially if your specialty is accounting.

Hollywood has now lined-up with tin cups in hand, begging for an infusion of tax dollars. One provision of the “stimulus” bill would have given new film projects an immediate 50% write-off.

Republicans, lead by Senator Tom Coburn (R-OK), shamed Democrats into stripping $246 million in movie industry tax breaks from the bloated bill.

They contend Hollywood doesn’t need they money. “They had their best January ever,” Coburn said.

If one were cynical, one might assume the tax breaks were designed as a payback for the campaign dollars Hollywood showered on Obama.

To see how the Hollywood bail-out would have been structured, Democrats watched the attached instructional video.

Subway fires Phelps. Where will he go next time he gets the munchies?

Record-setting swimmer Michael Phelps just set one he’d rather not have. Subway Sandwiches has fired him in less time than it took them to negotiate the deal to hire him.

Phelps was hired in late November, fired in early February after photos of his dope smoking exploits were leaked. It’s been a bad week for Phelps, who was also dropped by cereal maker Kellogg’s for the same…uh…indiscretion.

Don’t worry, Michael. We have an idea. We think you’d be the perfect spokesperson for Nike if they’d just be willing to alter their tagline a bit. Picture this:

Michael Phelps. Just doobie it.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. We’ll be here all week.

I HATE THE MEDIA ™
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