Tag: Sex

Argentina’s president gives a whole new meaning to the term “getting porked”

Argentina’s president hot Cristina Fernandez just told her nation’s people that barbecued pork is a good alternative to Viagra.

Argentina President Christina Fernandez, the world's hottest leader, apparently loves her pork

Any time you start thinking America’s elected officials are wacky, someone from overseas steps up to demonstrate what wacky really means.

For example, Argentina’s president just told her nation’s people that barbecued pork is a good alternative to Viagra.

Reuters reports that randy details:

“I’ve just been told something I didn’t know; that eating pork improves your sex life … I’d say it’s a lot nicer to eat a bit of grilled pork than take Viagra,” President Cristina Fernandez said to leaders of the pig farming industry.

She said she recently ate pork and “things went very well that weekend, so it could well be true.”

Could we get an order of ribs to go? And maybe a couple extra Handi-Wipes, too.

Source: Reuters

Does this fall in the category of humorous photo caption or brutally honest reporting?

You’re playing with fire, WaPo. If you continue doing funny photo captions, we’ll be forced to start doing liberal opinions.

wapo-baucus-caption

You’re playing with fire, WaPo. If you continue doing funny photo captions, we’ll be forced to start doing liberal opinions.

(In case you can read it: “Max Baucus is too much of a dork for a sex scandal.”)

How many people have you slept with, you cheap sleazy whore?

A British pharmacy has developed a calculator based on the concept of Six Degrees of Separation. Except that this calculator is called Sex Degrees of Separation. It uses highly complex algorithms to determine how many people you’ve slept with directly and indirectly.

No points for lusting in your heart, Mr. President
No points for lusting in your heart, Mr. President

A British pharmacy has developed a calculator based on the concept of Six Degrees of Separation. Except that this calculator is called Sex Degrees of Separation.

It uses highly complex algorithms to determine how many people you’ve slept with directly and indirectly.

According to Lloyds Pharmacy, the British company that developed the calculator, the average person has slept with about 2,800,000 people directly and indirectly.

We recommend that you take the test fast. Tiger Woods could go online at any minute and overload the damn thing’s circuits.

Source: Lloyds Pharmacy

Understatement of the day, week, month, year, decade, hell, maybe the millenium

What do you expect when the headline to the story is, “South Carolina man gets 3 years in prison for sex with horse.”

“There’s a lot of ridicule and jokes going around about this thing,” said Barbara Kenley, the owner of the horse.

C’mon, Barbara, what do you expect when the headline to the story is, “South Carolina man gets 3 years in prison for sex with horse.”

We’ll start this off with a few punch lines. Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

Punch line #1: “Well, he always said he was a stud.”

Punch line #2: “Horry County? It happened in Horry County?”

Punch line #3: “The horse is in stable condition.”

Punch line #4: “You need to learn to listen. What I said was, ‘If you need sex that badly, find yourself some whores.'”

Punch line #5: This gives a whole new meaning to the term “jockeying for position.”

Punch line #6: That’s not what I meant, the riding instructor insisted, when I said, “Mount your horse.”

Your turn.

NOTE: The video clip has absolutely nothing to do with this story. But, it involves a man and a horse and makes us laugh.

Source: Associated Press

Now they’re using sex to sell global warming

The wackos at 350.org are now resorting to skin to try and sell their global warming hoax.

The wackos at 350.org are now resorting to skin to try and sell their global warming hoax.

At least know that climate change believers aren’t too bright — the YouTube description of the video says, “We know that not everyone reads the newspapers. So we figured we’d try to get the point across the best way we know how–with clothes, or really, with the lack of clothes.”

Yeah, that’s a brilliant idea. Have hot young models strip to show that the warmer it gets, the fewer clothes we’ll need. These idiots just lost the support of Rachel Maddow, Ellen DeGenerous and Rosie O’Donnell and every man in the world.

We rise as one and say, “More global warming, please.”

Ted Kennedy admitted to sleeping with more than 1,000 women

The National Enquirer says that Teddy Kennedy wanted his recently-published memoirs to include details of his sexual conquests. Unfortunately, the primmest and most-proper of the legendarily prim and proper Kennedy clan censored the embarrassing revelations out of his autobiography.

You want somma 'dis? You want somma 'dis? You want somma 'dis?
You want somma 'dis? You want somma 'dis? You want somma 'dis?

We’re almost embarrassed to say this, but two-headed aliens and Hollywood gossip aside, the National Enquirer seems to do a good job with political reporting. Consider the sad saga of John Edwards and his baby mama.

Now the Enquirer says that Teddy Kennedy wanted his recently-published memoirs to include details of his sexual conquests. Unfortunately, the primmest and most-proper of the legendarily prim and proper Kennedy clan censored the embarrassing revelations out of his autobiography.

Here’s how the Enquirer reports it:

Ted Kennedy slept with more than a thousand women – and spent at least $10 million in hush money over the years to keep his skirt-chasing a secret!

The late senator made those sensational confessions in a chapter of his autobiography, but horrified family members and advisers cut them out.

Before he died of brain cancer at age 77 on Aug. 25, the womanizing politician also revealed that he planned to seduce Mary Jo Kopechne on the night she drowned, said a close source.

Our sources say it was only 500 women, not 1000. But since Kennedy was seeing double most of his adult life, the mistake is understandable.

Source: National Enquirer

Top 10 hypocritical David Letterman lines about other people’s sex scandals

So, Dave Letterman has his very own sex scandal and blackmail. Well, he’s got no problem laughing about the sex scandals of others. Here are his Top 10 hypocritical lines aboutother people’s sex scandals.

Sex scandals are a lot funnier when they don't involve you.
Sex scandals are a lot funnier when they don't involve you.

10. “Gov. Mark Sanford disappeared…and it turned out he was in South America. And then it turned out he was down there because he was sleeping with a woman from Argentina. Once again, foreigners taking jobs that Americans won’t do.”

9. “Ladies and gentlemen, here is great news. Senator Larry Craig from Idaho … is looking for interns. What parent doesn’t want to hear, ‘Well guess what, Dad, I got accepted into Larry Craig’s intern program’? But if you’re interested, Larry Craig is now accepting applications from interns. Just slide your resume under the stall.”

8. “But did you hear about this? Senator Craig from Idaho plans to fight a disorderly conduct charge. He wants to change his plea to ‘not creepy.’ … Earlier today Senator Craig said he’d like to turn over a new page. I believe his name is Kevin.”

7. “There’s another scandal in Washington. One of the senator’s from Idaho, Larry Craig, was arrested in airport men’s room. Gives new meaning to the word caucusing.’”

Continue reading “Top 10 hypocritical David Letterman lines about other people’s sex scandals”

Putting the mental in environmentalism: Introducing the wind-up eco-vibrator

The eco-sex toy – dubbed the “Earth Angel” – uses a small wind-up handle to power up rechargeable batteries inside the casing.
 It had originally been planned as a sex aid for the Third World where batteries and electricity supplies are unreliable.



Ladies, that heat you’re feeling isn’t global warming, it’s your brand new eco-vibrator.

We really don’t want to touch this story, so we’ll just quote the Austrian Times:

Green fans are getting a buzz out of a new hand-cranked vibrator that makers say could help save the planet.



The eco-sex toy – dubbed the “Earth Angel” – uses a small wind-up handle to power up rechargeable batteries inside the casing.
 It had originally been planned as a sex aid for the Third World where batteries and electricity supplies are unreliable.



But the Irish manufacturers Camden Enterprises have been swamped with interest from Green followers after displaying the vibrator at the Ars Electronica fair in Linz, Upper Austria, this week.



“We wanted to produce an environmentally friendly sex toy that appealed to all consumers regardless of gender, age or ethnicity.

“It has been in its development stage for the past two years and we are excited that our vision has become reality,” said a spokesman.



In the words of Rob Reiner’s mother in When Harry Met Sally, “We’ll have the same thing she’s having.”

Source: Austrian Times

Squirm-inducing Michael Jackson talks about sex in just uncovered, creepy video

This tape, uncovered by the UK’s News of the World, shows Jackson being grilled by attorneys about child abuse allegations.

Yeah, we know we’re supposed to show respect for the dead, but that doesn’t change the fact that Michael Jackson always creeped us out.

This tape, uncovered by the UK’s News of the World, shows Jackson being grilled by attorneys about child abuse allegations.

The never-before-made-public video was recorded in 1996 after employees at Neverland Ranch sued Jackson. The unseen attorney questions Jackson about his relationship with several young boys – including Jordy Chandler, Mcauley Culkin, and Brett Barnes. Jackson responds by squirming in his seat, laughing nervously, groaning and burying his face in his hands.

It’s not known if attorneys for Bubbles the chimpanzee were given an opportunity to question Jackson.

Source: News of the World

Pointy-headed researchers accuse children’s films of perpetuating “heteronormativity”

A University of Michigan study says love stories told in G-rated children’s films (such as Disney’s Little Mermaid) are responsible for what they label “heteronormativity.” Real world translation: Not enough gay sex.

Perhaps the researchers be happier if kids movies had a little inter-species lesbian sex
Perhaps the researchers be happier if kids movies had a little inter-species lesbian sex

Hold onto your hats. You’re not going to believe this one.

A University of Michigan study says love stories told in G-rated children’s films (such as Disney’s Little Mermaid) are responsible for what they label “heteronormativity.”

Real world translation: Not enough gay sex.

“Despite the assumption that children’s media are free of sexual content, our analyses suggest that these media depict a rich and pervasive heterosexual landscape,” said a report in Gender & Society, a publication of the Sociologists for Women in Society.

Researchers looked at the most successful G-rated movies between 1990-2005 and concluded that kids’ films “construct heterosexuality” via “depictions of hetero-romantic love as exceptional, powerful, transformative, and magical,” and “depictions of interactions between gendered bodies in which the sexiness of feminine characters is subjected to the gaze of masculine characters.”

“Characters in love are surrounded by music, flowers, candles, magic, fire, balloons, fancy dresses, dim lights, dancing and elaborate dinners,” the report noted. “Fireflies, butterflies, sunsets, wind and the beauty and power of nature often provide the setting for – and a link to the naturalness of – hetero-romantic love.”

We say, bravo, you brave researchers. That’s what’s wrong with America’s kids. They need more gay sex in their cartoons! More group sex! More bestiality!

And for god’s sake, man, somebody put some pants on that perverted Donald Duck.

Source: LifesiteNews.com

Rielle Hunter’s revenge:
Does she have a John Edwards sex tape?

Disgruntled former John Edwards aide Andrew Young now claims there is at least one tape floating around that shows his former boss engaged in sex with baby mama Rielle Hunter.

Please, God, let there be no truth to the rumor that this woman is in a sex tape
Please, God, let there be no truth to the rumor that this woman is in a sex tape

Disgruntled former John Edwards aide Andrew Young now claims there is at least one tape floating around that shows his former boss engaged in sex with baby mama Rielle Hunter.

According to the book pitch Young has been circulating among publishers, he found a video that allegedly shows the former candidate taking positions that weren’t…shall we say…part of his official platform.

According to the New York Daily News, “Young’s proposal, which one editor said ‘was impossible to put down,’ also contends that Sen. Edwards frequently clashed with running mate John Kerry during their 2004 race for the White House. And before Edwards owned up to his affair with Hunter, Young says he told him that Barack Obama had promised he’d make him attorney general if he didn’t pick him as his 2008 running mate.”

We don’t need to see the tape to know what’s on it. We’re almost willing to guarantee that at the peak of their passion, John Edwards screams out the name of his most beloved.

“I love you, John. You’re the only one I’ve ever loved.”

Source: New York Daily News

Can someone explain the Chastity Bono situation to us?

Chastity Bono is a lesbian. Her girlfriend is another lesbian. But now Chastity’s having a sex change surgery. Seriously, if the girlfriend stays with the new Chastity-man (as she’s already announced she will), doesn’t that mean she’s now straight?

Aren't you just asking for trouble when you name a kid Chastity?
Aren't you just asking for trouble when you name a kid Chastity?

We readily admit that we’re just not smart enough to figure this out.

The Situation: Chastity Bono is a lesbian. Her girlfriend is another lesbian. But now Chastity’s having a sex change surgery.

The Question: After Chastity becomes a man, will her lesbian lover still be a lesbian?

Seriously, if the girlfriend stays with the new Chastity-man (as she’s already announced she will), doesn’t that mean she’s now straight? Haven’t we been told that a person can’t change their sexual orientation? Doesn’t that fly directly in the fact of that assertion?

Figure this one out and you probably qualify for a Nobel Prize of some sort.

We’re just not sure what category.

“HUNG FU.” Is this the worst headline ever? The best headline ever? Or both?

hung_fu

In a rapidly changing world, there’s always one thing you can count on: Remarkably graphic, if not always tasteful, headlines from the New York Post.

For example, they announced the possibly accidental, possible suicide, possible homicide death of actor David Carridine with the headline “Hung Fu.”

On one hand, we can say it’s incredibly tasteless.

On the other hand, the odds of a guy accidentally hanging himself while performing auto-erotic asphyxiation in a town called Bangkok while making a movie called “Stretch” would be unbelievable if someone made it up.

It’s the tragic-comic trifecta.

Source: New York Post

Will Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi live to eat his own words?

Berlusconi underage sexItalian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi beginning a press conference in which he promised to resign if caught lying about allegations of an improper relationship with a teenager. They say Italians talk with their hands, but this is a bit too illustrative.

Source: Time

Quiznos makes up for homoerotic commercial with a “threesome” commercial

We recently published Try explaining this new Quiznos commercial to your children, featuring a Quiznos commercial featuring a deep-voiced gay oven that says, “Put it in me, Scott,” referring to the male Quiznos worker’s tasty, toasty torpedo. Judging from the reaction we and other sites showing the video received, it did not go over as well as they expected, well, maybe in the company we keep.

But, it looks like the Quiznos marketing department is paying attention. They’re making up for it with a new commercial that will appeal more to the horney heterosexual male, and the Hollywood female: It features two sexy women in bikinis fighting over that once again, tasty, toasty torpedo. It puts a just slightly different vision in one’s head than their last attempt.

What’s next we wonder? Are they going to start checking ID’s just to get into this steamy sandwich shop?

“Feds Will Spend $400,000 to Study Drinking and Sex Habits of Homosexuals in Argentina”

barney_frank_gay1 From CNSNews.com:

The National Institutes of Health (NIH) is funding a study that will send researchers to six bars in Buenos Aires, Argentina, to interview both patrons and proprietors in an effort to discover what it is about those bars that may encourage homosexuals to drink and then have sex. The study, funded by U.S. taxpayers, began on Sept. 30, 2009 and runs through August 2010.

Hell, just spend a weekend at Barney Frank’s whorehouse townhouse and save the taxpayers about $399,000.

Source: CNSNews.com

The Idiot’s Guide to Condoms, brought to you tonight by the American taxpayer

Here we go again. More government money being spent to teach people how to use condoms.

As anyone who’s read IHateTheMedia.com for more than a few seconds knows, there are no geniuses around here. But even the staff morons can figure out how to use a condom. And if they haven’t heard what the purpose of a condom is by the time they’re old enough to use one, they haven’t been paying attention to the liberal media.

In fact, we consider the fact that George Clooney hasn’t reproduced is proof positive that a moron can figure out how to use a condom.

The condom commercial is part of a larger program. Here’s how GetFreeCondoms.org describes it:

According to a study released 6/24/08 by PLoS Medicine, watching a video in an STD clinic waiting room can reduce the risk for a new STD by almost 10%. In a large multi-center intervention trial, Dr. Lee Warner from the Centers for Disease control and Prevention and a team of researchers at different institutions in the U.S. studied the effect of a carefully crafted, 23-minute waiting room video on the risk for new STDs among 40,000 patients in 3 STD clinics in the country. More information about Safe in the City can be found at the project’s website: www.safeinthecity.org.

Our favorite part of the video is the Barry White-like voice over. It’s like the CDC is taking a little walk on the wild side.

Source: GetFreeCondoms.org

Democrat congressman explains which sex acts are covered by the new hate-crimes bill

If it’s a perversion sick enough to deserve its own scientific name, the Democrats are for it. That’s the bottom line of their new hate crimes bill.

Impeached former judge and current Democrat Florida Congressman Alcee Hastings wanted to make sure everyone understood exactly which perversions were protected by the bill.

So he stood up in front of the Congress of the United States of America and reads off a list of “alternative” sex acts. A Republican amendment tried to exclude things like pedophilia and necrophilia from the hate crimes bill and that upset Hastings.

We’ve never heard of most of them (no, really, we haven’t) and it was apparent that Hastings hadn’t, either. But that didn’t stop him from supporting them.

“All Americans,” Hastings said, “regardless of race, color, religion, national origin…(at this point Hastings actually lists the specific perversions covered by the bill. We are unable to enumerate them here because we’ve never heard of most of them and have no idea how they may be spelled)…or all of these philias and fetishes and isms that were put forward need not live in fear because of who they are.”

It was simply unbelievable to see a United States Congressman standing on the floor of the House of Representatives stating that these disturbing “philias and fetishes and isms” deserve protection.

Truth be told, there’s no telling what a person will find sexually stimulating.

Hell, Mary Matalin sleeps with James Carville and we can’t imagine anything more perverted than that.

Source: Patterico.com via HotAir.com

Reporters disgusted by Hillary Clinton sex scandal

Hillary offered State Department reporters her own "stimulus" package.
Hillary offered State Department reporters her own "stimulus" package.

Put yourself in this situation and imagine how horrified you’d be.

You’re a reporter. You’re assigned to cover the State Department. The White House gives you a special phone number so you can call in and listen to a Hillary Clinton conference call. You call the number expecting to hear Hillary and you hear:

“Do you have any hidden desires? Well, if you feel like getting nasty, you came to the right place.”

Luckily for any reporters with delicate stomachs, it wasn’t Hillary talking.

Someone at the White House screwed up gave reporters a phone number that was off by one digit. Instead of getting Hillary’s conference call, they called the “Swank” phone sex line.

The recording went on to say that Swank’s services would cost from $2.99 to $5.99 per minute.

Today’s world is full of frightening things. But none – absolutely none – are more frightening than the words “Hillary” and “pornography” in the same sentence.

Source: WashingtonExaminer.com

60-year old Saudi man forbidden to have sex
with his 8-year old wife

The President of the United States bowing to the King of a country that allows 60-year old men to marry girls younger than his daughters Malia and Sasha.
The President of the United States bowing to the King of a country that allows 60-year old men to marry girls younger than his daughters Malia and Sasha.
Great news from Saudi Arabia. Really great news. A Saudi court has ruled that a 60-year old Saudi man cannot have sex with his 8-year old wife.

Ahhh, but don’t break out the champagne quite yet. The court didn’t annul the marriage nor condemn the marriage nor even raise an eyebrow over the marriage. It just said the old geezer couldn’t violate the girl until she reached puberty.

Justice Minister Muhammad Issa said he wanted to end to the “arbitrary” way in which Saudi parents marry off underage girls. But he said nothing about outlawing the practice. Not a word.

This brings up a few questions for Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg:

Is this one of those international laws you want to use as precedent in American law? If you’re not following the United States Constitution, how do you determine which international laws to follow and which ones to ignore? Will your choices as “arbitrary” as those of the Saudi judge? And finally, are you really as friggin’ uninformed and un-American as you appear to be?

Just wondering.

Source: BBC

British sex scandal makes Clinton look like an amateur

"Where's Bill Clinton?" Nigel Griffiths at the Obama inauguration.
"Where's Bill Clinton?" Nigel Griffiths at the Obama inauguration.

Nigel Griffiths, a former member of Parliament, has been busted for wild sexcapades in his office inside the House of Commons. It involves sex, photography and numerous adult beverages.

Here’s how News of the World reports it:

Incredibly 53-year-old Griffiths wants you to believe he has “little recollection” of spending 38 minutes taking 27 explicit images of a woman spread-eagled across the furniture of his ground floor Commons office, just yards from the Prime Minister’s own Commons office.

It was such an unmemorable sex session that he also apparently barely remembers, just half hour later, spending another hour and 40 minutes taking a further 44 pictures at a second location.

On Friday Griffiths’ lawyer David Price blamed the MP’s loss of memory about the Remembrance Day romp on being “under the influence of alcohol”. But at one point he had recollected enough to create the time to transfer those 71 snaps from his camera to his laptop.

Former President Bill Clinton was undoubtedly dismayed by this story.

“The I-was-too-drunk defense,” former President Bill Clinton reportedly thought. “Why didn’t I think of that one?”

Source: News of the World

Try explaining this new Quiznos commercial to your children

Please do not be shocked. We are about to use internet terminology we have never before used at IHateTheMedia.com:

WTF?

Sorry, but that’s the only possible reaction to the new commercial for Quizno’s new “Toasty Torpedo” subs. You know, the ones shaped like giant male genitalia. Watch the commercial. We’re pretty sure you’ll agree.

The commercial features a talking oven that seems to be the gay cousin of HAL, the computer from the movie “2001.” It starts with the gay oven talking to a Quizno’s worker about how much they “both enjoyed” something. We aren’t privy to what that something may have been, but the mere memory of it causes the worker to look down at his crotch.

Then the gay oven says “Put it in me, Scott,” referring to his tasty, toasty torpedo.

There’s just so much that’s wrong and tasteless about this commercial that you really wonder who it’s aimed at, who approved it, and why.

The whole commercial comes across like some strange homage to gay, sado-mechanical sex.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

(See also, Burger King uses oral sex to sell “Super Seven Incher)

Source: TVSquad.com

Exclusive
Bill O’Reilly’s sleazy sex video, co-starring Keith Olbermann


You’ve probably heard the audio version of Bill O’Reilly’s sex tapes – the ones he recorded for the audiobook version of his novel “Those Who Trespass.”

But now we have exclusive video that shows exactly what went on during the recording session. You’ll see things you never thought you’d see. Unimaginable things. Things you’ll hope never to see again.

The Bill O’Reilly sex tapes on video. Another IHateTheMedia.com exclusive.

Vile cripple Larry Flynt claims he’s had more women than vile stroke-victim Hugh Hefner

larry flint tmz videoIn a battle between a vile hardcore porn publisher and a vile softcore porn publisher, wheelchair-bound Larry Flynt claims he’s had more women than Hugh Hefner. “

To tell the truth, we don’t care about either of these guys. They’re both living in the past.

But based on longevity, we’d give the nod to Hefner. As far as we can tell, the guy invented sex and most of the primary positions associated with it. He’s been doing it since dinosaurs roamed the earth. He drew the first centerfolds on the wall of a cave. The first issue of Playboy was a big seller in Sodom and Gomorrah.

This video shows just how wacky Flynt is. The TMZ reporter says, “How you doin’ tonight, sir.” Flynt’s entirely disconnected response is, “I’ve had more women than Hefner.”

Would someone please take the demented old codger home, wipe up his drool, and put him to bed.

Source: TMZ

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